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Get Ripped Fast
Let's get ripped fast
I want to get ripped. I want muscles that can be seen through a North Face Goose Down Jacket. Let's all get ripped together. Let's leverage the secrets of fitness gurus to construct killer bodies that are the envy of friends and neighbors at the beach and the bowling alley.
I want people to talk about my shredded physique. No one can ignore bulging muscles. Web sites and billboards and graffiti-covered overpasses will sing the praises of my buffness.
Join me on this journey. We can do this together. We have the power and technology to pump up our flabby forms into extreme examples of physical specimens.
Are you afraid? Don't fear your muscles. Remember, a muscle is nothing but skinny fat. Step up. Take the plunge. Jump head-first into the ripped end of the gene pool.
I want muscles fast
No one waits for their muscles anymore. Bulking up and getting shredded means ripping open exotic supplements. We drink our strength. No one goes to the gym and bench presses Volkswagens.
I want to turn on the TV at 3 in the morning and order systems designed to firm and tone my body through little or no effort on my part aside from making minimum monthly payments to Visa. I need a customized workout regimen focused on my precise body type, which is mostly flabby but very soon will be virtually unrecognizable.
Every fitness expert has a plan to sell and I want to order every one of them. I will gain lean muscle and lose unsightly fat simply by lugging the boxes from my garage to my palatial workout room. My UPS driver will increase his fitness level exponentially simply by delivering all the products I have ordered.
Let's eat and get ripped
Everybody knows the secret to true lifetime physical fitness arrives at the end of a fork. Instead of running wind sprints we will dine together on foods that cancel each other out before settling into our hips and expanding our belt sizes. Our diets will be specially designed by certified food technologists and delivered to us in space-age containers with only a little bit of salt and preservatives. We will binge on freshness. We will indulge in mass quantities of rice cakes that taste like veal cutlets.
Our liquids will be high-tech. We will spend a week's pay on bottled water from exotic Icy Cold Springs in unpronounceable locales. We will swallow handfuls of space-age pill-shaped nutrition extolled by talk show scientists on overnight radio infomercials. Pills have zero calories.
Let's use exotic devices to get ripped
No one lifts weights any more. Authentic honest muscular tonality arrives through the use of tightly focused devices specially engineered to increase muscle while decreasing excess bank account. My basement will be filled with levers, balls, wheels, widgets, gadgets, and multi-phasic ultrasonic microprocessor-controlled new age crystalline matrix restructuring laser beams that instantaneously zap away hideous fat.
I will deploy each device regularly in an intensely serious manner. Each morning I will perform high-tech circuit training as I move from station to station with The Weather Channel blasting in the background on my 60" plasma screen that I installed using my own personal brute strength.
New fitness contraptions hit the market weekly. Don't get left behind as the fitness crowd jumps on the fitness bandwagon and takes a ride together. If you're feeling weak, unloved, ignored, unsatisfied, anxious, frustrated, lonely, sluggish, bereft, clueless, confused, ignoble, or excessively funded, pick out a physical phitness program that fits easily into your busy schedule. Only those of us with 0 per cent body fat will survive.
I want highly defined musculature
My triceps will cut diamonds. My index fingers will have six pack abs. My deltoids will be visible from outer space. Zombies will break their teeth on me when they corner me in an abandoned farmhouse and chomp down on my muscular brain. It could happen.
My muscles will blend together into a symphony of perfectly balanced muscle mass. No single muscle will be excessively large, but they will all seamlessly coordinate in a ballet of buff.
My clothes will be specially tailored by tailors skilled in the art of muscular clothing. All my clothes will fit perfectly across my ripped physique. When fully clothed, I will look muscular but yet still available to participate in normal society. No one will suspect that lurking beneath my gabardine lurks the body of Batman and the Incredible Hulk and pre-steroid Arnold Schwarzenegger all combined into one physique.
My DNA will be unsullied
No steroids or human growth hormones or pharmaceuticals intended for bovine applications will pollute my ripped body. When I shop for sustenance, I will inhabit the produce aisles of organically grown food stores. Never will I allow a Pringle or Frito to cross my lips, unless it's a luscious barbecue flavor made from naturally-occurring flavors and spices. My protein will come from naturally occurring cans purchased online from reputable protein-selling websites. Once in a while I may enjoy a Red Robin cheeseburger and bottomless steak fries, but I plan to feel so guilty afterward that I immediately participate in a triathlon. Unsupported.
I can do this alone, but I prefer someone to admire me as I progress from weakling to warrior. Jump onto my back, but not literally yet, as I transform myself into something else entirely. I don't like me anymore and I want to be another me. Join me on my journey of jumping jacks and organic protein powder-flavored cheese puffs.
Don't let me leave you behind: my neck is too muscular to allow me to look back at you.