ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

God's Shoehorn (Chapter II)

Updated on November 15, 2012


'And now we hear from an ex priest of the Catholic church!' came the radio talk show's host enthusiastically. Paul looked from the expectantly grinning Atheist to the red-faced creationist guest and back. A little bubble of nervous pressure gurgled in his belly but was outweighed by the rebellious excitement that he had grown to expect from these moments.

'Of course there is no God' he lied to the nodding Atheist. 'Think of all the suffering in the world!' he decried. His speech had been memorized verbatim from a 'free thinkers' website on the 'Atheists-for-truth' network. 'What kind of 'merciful' God goes around starving people in Africa, causing plagues, disease, cancer, natural disasters? It just doesn't match up with this so-called 'loving' God's character description in the bible? What are we meant to believe? That he is as he says, or actually do we take these instances of cruelty as proof that he isn't there at all?!'

'You're missing the poi...'

'Aaaand that's all we have time for folks!' said the presenter cheerfully running roughshod over the evangelical Christian's opinion, 'Thanks for tunin' in, and make sure you turn those radios on to catch us at the same time next week on... Free Thinkers verses the World of Faith!' The pre-recorded applause track roared and the grinning dj leaned around the table to pat Paul's shoulder in appreciation.

'Cheers pal' he said over the Christian's sputtering objections in broad Geordie, 'Ye ganin doon toon for tha game?'

'I think I'm going for a walk' Paul replied giving the wheezing evangelist a commiserating pat on the shoulder. He didn't have anything against the man after all. It was the deity he represented that ticked Paul off so much. Paul knew He'd heard the show. He didn't miss anything. Only had himself to blame on that front as far as Paul was concerned.

Paul left the tiny Studio behind him and hopped on the Metro to the coast. He disembarked at Whitley bay, taking intense pleasure from the salty sea-smell of the crashing waters that percolated through the air here. He breathed deeply and set off down to the water-front.

As was so often the case, Paul found that the weather was suiting his mood admirably. The sunshine streamed down on his mop of unkempt brown hair and warmed his cranium pleasantly. He was walking at the ambling pace of one who has recently discovered that he doesn't actually have to go where he is going, but was rather travelling purely on a whim. He whistled a little ditty which earned him a resentful glare from a passing salesmen who was sweating profusely. Paul gave the fellow an annoyingly happy grin.

'Lovely day isn't it?!' he said with the joy of freedom in his voice.

'Twat' muttered the unhappy worker bitterly. Why did the obnoxiously chirpy ones always have to accost him on his lunch breaks.

Paul chuckled to himself and wandered on along the seafront. He did find that people found him more offensive now that he had freed himself from the shackles of his former existence. It was odd, because he was, as far as he could tell, a lot nicer to people and certainly smiled a whole lot more. Perhaps it was one of God's petty attempts to make him rescind his decision to leave the church and his relationship with the almighty behind him. If that was the best the bugger could do, Paul was willing to let it slide. He was having a whale of a time.

Glancing to his left Paul felt his amble slow suddenly to a full stop. He stared at the calmly smiling figure in the coffee shop window in surprise. A sparkling blue eye winked at him and a perfectly manicured hand.beckoned solicitously. Paul felt his feet begin to move again, though this time not at his behest.

'It's been a while, hasn't it Paul?' said Lucifer with a warm smile. Paul sat stiffly in the orange plastic chair opposite the Adversary with reluctance.

'It has' he answered shortly. He stared at the handsome face across from him as the devil poured him a cup of tea. He looked at it in disappointment. Tea in a coffee shop. It just never seemed right. It was probably Ginseng or some other 'new-age' thing. Satan liked all that stuff as Paul recalled.

'How are you getting on with your new job?' asked the eternally damned king of hell pleasantly. He nudged the cup across the table. 'It's Lady Grey' he said nodding at the cup.

'Lovely' answered Paul with a false smile of gratitude. The poncy git.

'It costs, pulling those sorts of strings you know...' sighed Lucifer regretfully and Paul gave him a look.

'It had nothing to do with you' he said flatly and the devil chuckled.

'It was worth a try' he said with a shrug. 'Look, there's something big coming up in my diary and I was wondering if you could do me a favor.'

'A what?' gaped Paul.

'You heard' sighed Lucifer rolling his eyes, 'See... I've got to hang around up here and get some things done for a bit' he continued in a bored tone, 'and I need someone to look after the old place while I'm busy.' Paul looked at him with a glazed over expression.

'And by old place you mean...'

'That's right' nodded Lucifer, 'I need you to house-sit Hell for me.' Paul tried to get up and leave but his trousers seemed to have been glued to the chair. 'I can't trust my lot to look after it, of course' Lucifer drawled in breezy tones, 'They're pretty much untrustworthy by design, and any of His lot are out of the question. Conflict of interest and all that. No. I'm afraid, since you're the only person I know who isn't necessarily in support of either side and since I've read your soul and know you could do it if you decided you wanted to... it just had to be you!'

Paul took a deep gulp of tepid Lady Grey and winced. 'Horrid isn't it' smiled Lucifer nodding at the cup. 'That one is the handy-work of Beelzebub's niece, Fifi - she's one of the new 'in-crowd' downstairs, as it were.'

'Why in Hel... I mean, for G... why me?' he tried lamely. Lucifer's dark, slim eyebrow lifted in amusement.

'I just told you why' he said and pulled a contract out of a Prada valise that was quite suddenly on the table without having gone through the inconvenient in between stages of having to be put there. 'Read this through' said Lucifer airily and stood, 'I need an answer by Thursday.' Paul gaped dumbly at the thick wadge of legal waffle on clean white A4. It was in a funky patterned ring-binder that bore the legend, "Try nailing me to a tree!" in faux graffiti style lettering.

'I'm supposed to believe you'll stick to this?' he called after Lucifer who was almost at the door.

'I have to darling boy' his words drifted back, 'It's in the rules!' The words echoed oddly for a moment as the dark figure evaporated like so much mist. Paul turned to find the cafe owner staring fixedly at the door space with a fat-drenched spatula in one hand. Ash crumbled from his lip-affixed cigarette stub into the burnt remains of a spinach omelette. The only other customer in the cafe snored in a stupor with his head on the table. Paul smiled at the cafe proprietor apologetically and dumped a handful of loose change on the table for the tea.

'Sorry about that' he told the staring chef miserably, 'He does it a lot' and hared out onto the pavement and down the street. He didn't realize until he got into his dilapidated bedsit and collapsed onto the bed, that he'd forgotten the legal manuscript. He needn't have worried. By the time he returned from a swift shower, the ugly colored folder was sat proudly in the center of his bed waiting for him.

'So it's like that is it?' he muttered irritably and walked up to the offensive item wrapping his towel about himself firmly. On it was a small post it note bearing the words: 'Yes, it is.' Paul crumpled up the note with a growled epithet and plonked himself on the bed. Grabbing the folder with one hand he tugged it towards him, and opening the cover, began to read...

Mrs Parsonage

'Bloody Heeeeeeeeeeelll!' yelled Mrs Parsonage through gritted teeth. The bitterly cold northeast winds battered against her winter coat as she descended rapidly through the thickening clouds over Lindesfarne. The words of the demon Samhael had sent a shiver of horrid fear up her spine. Mrs Parsonage was not one to let any old nonsense give her the willies and she intended to check the veracity of her source's statement. She had heard the ring of truth in his words, and though she took pleasure in making him believe his news was old... she had internally let loose a little wail of panic when he'd let slip his news of the world's impending doom. She'd only just had the curtains done for goodness sake! She couldn't have the world go and end on her now! It was terribly inconvenient!

She landed with a loud thump on the turf to the leeward side of the old Abbey. Rain began to patter down about her. Putting up her umbrella with a satisfied smirk she stepped forth with a haughty chuckle. Still got it, she thought proudly. A nearby sparrow squawked and took off in a cloud of moist feathers that fell unnoticed to the grass.

Mrs Parsonage ignored the small gaggle of damp Japanese tourists who were huddling around the plaque at the Abbey gates. One of them was drinking Lindesfarne Mead from the bottle which was never a good sign. No one had mentioned the weather in the tour adverts then? No surprise there.

She paid her five pounds to gain entry, though she grumbled at the inflation. The last time she'd visited it had only cost her three and sixpence! Mrs Parsonage pretended to listen to the tour guide as she followed a group round all snapping away with their cameras. The ruins were still pretty impressive. Stupid bloody place to build an Abbey though. At least, it was stupid of the monks who'd lived here to rebuild the place from smoking ashes when they had to know the vikings would come back; which they did repeatedly.

She finally lost the guide and his flock of wide-eyed tourists as he rounded a stone archway with the words 'brave' and 'martyr' on his lips. Mrs Parsonage shook her head and ducked behind a tumbled down wall of age-yellowed stone. A secret symbol flared up in green conflagration on the half-buried flagstone beneath her feet. She blinked and coughed delicately in the sudden gloom of the Abbey crypt. She didn't much approve of such methods of travel (called 'Etheriperation' by those who wrote in publications like 'New Occultist' and The Newt's Eye). It was a sort of occult version of the star trek transporter beam. She was always worried she might leave something important behind; her lungs, for instance. Ethiriperation had been known to go horribly wrong for the careless (or drunk, as was more often the case) magic user.

The crypt glowed with a soft baleful orange light that was emanating primarily from the knave end of the chamber. Mrs Parsonage brushed settling dust from her coat lapels and strode up to the glowing tomb in a business like manner.

' Ahem' she said politely, pausing a scant foot from the glowing catacomb which was emitting an odd humming noise. As she had expected... no response. Mrs Parsonage took a step and with a titanic shove, toppled the tomb's lid off. Glaring orange light blazed up and her and she squinted in irritation. A flock of illusory demons leaped roaring from the casket to gouge out her soul. She shooed them away with a tolerant mutter. Those Medieval monks did love their pageantry!

As the ancient and rather weak warding spells faded, the light dimmed with it and Mrs Parsonage was left blinking glowing after images from her after-vision. When finally her sight had adjusted to the resumed gloom, Mrs Parsonage finally beheld her goal. She nodded to herself and gathered it up. It was its own light source - she needed no torches to read to words on this particular artifact. Unbeknownst to the Catholic church of the sixteen hundreds, the Monks of Lindesfarne had secretly turned to the worship of the beast. Mrs Parsonage didn't blame them after all of that raiding from the vikings and Rome keep telling them to go back and start over. They'd made a deal with his darkness from downstairs and had never been raided again. The Abbot of the time had been one Alwin Croller of York and he had been a collector of things occult long before he convinced his fellow brothers to convert. What Mrs Parsonage held in her hands, was none other than his most prized possession. The prophetic words of the Great Goat, as transcribed by Jalius Plinius in 4000 B.C.

The story went that Jalius, a young priest of Dionysis in Rome, had been instructed in a vision to seek out a burning goat with secrets in its mouth. He had leaped from his slumber and run to the place where sacrificed animals were burned as offerings. There he had come across a burning goat, somehow, to the astonishment and irritation of those who'd hoped to eat it, still alive and bleating. Jalius put out the fire and escaped the irate priests with the goat in his arms. He was chased from the town by enraged holy men and fled into the mountains whereupon he hid in a cave. There over many days, he transcribed the words that the miraculous goat spake onto his own skin, fixing the ink with a pin so that it remained tattooed there. On his death some days later, the priests of the holy temples had him flayed but before they could destroy the heresy on his skin, a great host of bats flew down and spirited the gory parchment away.

It all sounded like bunkum to Mrs Parsonage. Or at least, it had until she held it in her own hands. On its glowing surface the prophecy of end times according to the word of the great Goat were writ. The dowdy old witch sniffed and having read it through a couple of times, rolled up the prophecy and tucked it under her arm.

'Well really" she huffed, 'How silly!!'

Funny fantasy that I reccomend


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Dan Barfield profile imageAUTHOR

      Dan Barfield 

      5 years ago from Gloucestershire, England, UK

      Thank you Highland Terrier, your comment is much appreciated! :)

    • Highland Terrier profile image

      Highland Terrier 

      5 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Excellent. Very funny.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)