- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Books & Novels
Goldilocks and the Three Bares
Goldilocks and the Three Bares
No, I did not spell the word, bears, incorrectly. Read on and I will share the amazing true story of Goldilocks and her encounter with three members of the bear persuasion.
I realize you may be familiar with the oft-repeated fairy tale, but the childhood version you remember is not true. Not true at all. Trust me!
Once upon a time long ago and far away in a hidden kingdom surrounded by mountains there lived a beautiful young maiden. She had long, curly golden blonde tresses so everyone called her Blondie.
Nah, I’m just messin’ with ya. Everyone called her, Goldie.
'Mary Poppins' with Julie Andrews & Dick Van Dyke
Her father was a blacksmith and a skilled locksmith. So skilled that the king of the kingdom appointed him to a prestigious position as the Head Locksmith. Goldie was as intelligent as she was beautiful and in no time at all she, too, became skilled as a locksmith.
Her father trained her himself and soon she could pick or fix a lock before you could say the word, ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidoclious.’
But that’s another story. Goldie became so expert at lock-picking and lock-fixing, that by the time she reached the age of eighteen, no one called her just ‘Goldie’ any more. All the local folks started calling her Goldie Locksmith. Ya see where I’m going with this?
Now the plot is going to thicken. As her father grew older and less able to travel, Goldie Locksmith became his chief assistant locksmith and began to travel on ‘locksmithing’ assignments throughout the kingdom.
Did you need a lock fixed or a lock picked? Goldie Locksmith was your man, I mean, woman.
One fateful day an order arrived in the kingdom from the Three Bares who lived in a cabin in a nudist colony deep in the forest. The lock to their front door had been broken apart and they needed an expert locksmith to repair it.
Goldie Locks – that was what folks called her now – accepted the assignment, checked out their address on her GPS (Goldie’s Private Search-engine), and saddled up her trusted steed, Black Beauty.
Oops! That’s another story, too.
It was late in the afternoon when Goldie arrived at the cabin of the Three Bares. The front door stood ajar – the lock had been broken. She called out but no one was home. The job was simple and she was finished within the hour.
Goldie was tired from her long ride so she entered the cabin and noticed that the table was set for dinner for three with a small bowl, a medium-sized bowl and a large bowl. Goldie put the bill for her services next to the large bowl.
She walked into the bedroom and saw a small bed, a medium-sized bed and a large bed. She decided to lie down for a while and just rest on the small bed which was perfect for her. She fell asleep.
About an hour later she was awakened rudely by the noise of shouting and yelling. The Three Bares had returned and were far from welcoming. They saw Goldie as an intruder and you can imagine how menacing and hostile they looked and sounded.
Not to mention what a shocking sight they were in their naked splendor. Goldie was so frightened and unnerved she didn’t wait to explain nor collect her fee. She ran out of the cabin, jumped on Black Beauty, and galloped home as fast as possible.
That is the real, true story of Goldie Locksmith.
Goldie’s real name was never Goldilocks. It was Goldie Locksmith.
The Three Bares were nudists.
They still owe Goldie Locksmith's father for the repair.
Favorite bear joke #1:
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "can I have a gin . . . and tonic please?" The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" And the bear says, "Because I’m a bear!”
Favorite bear joke #2:
A Park Ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.
“However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the hikers.
"It’s easy," replies the ranger. "They’re full of small bells."
© Copyright BJ Rakow, Ph.D. 2015. All rights reserved. Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So."