HEAVEN KNOWS - A Short Story (Retraining & Adjustments)

There is a certain schedule to life here in Heaven, and it's broken up only by the weather. The fact that we have a variable weather shouldn't surprise our newcomers, because after all the farmers need the rain.

But somehow our newcomers almost always expect golden sunny days with soft breezes and temperatures stagnant at 72 degrees Fahrenheit.

Most newcomers also have a misconception about whether or not we work in Heaven. They seem to have forgotten those comments they made on Earth, such as:

"It keeps me out of trouble."

"It's good for the soul."

"All he had was his work."

"Thank God, I've got a good job!"

"She enjoys her work. It's a real blessing!"

"I wish I'd never retired!"

"His work was his life. He did it religiously."

Granted, there are lots of folks for whom their work on Earth was a drudge, a bore, a sacrifice of their real talents and abilities. But here in Heaven, with any job to choose from and salary no factor, and with the best personnel placement and counseling staff ever created---, well, folks here usually find something they are comfortable with and which is satisfying to them.

Surprisingly, most jobs are service-oriented, but some service-oriented jobs that existed on Earth don't exist here, and those people have to be retrained. These include such things as people who want to continue jobs with a penal system, the Red Cross and Red Crescent, or The Salvation Army.

Church people are retrained too, and usually become historians and novelists with an "I told you so!" approach.

As for me, I've presently chosen to be a McDonald's cashier, but the MvcDonalds here are different.

Ever since the Catholics on Earth decided that animals have no souls, and that there are no animals in Heaven, we've had to accept their sensitivites and serve vegetable protein "Big Macs" with french fires, while eliminating cheeseburgers and even filets of fish (even on Fridays!)

This latter point is a sore one with folks. After all, most folks had pets they expected to find in Heaven, and many of us spent a lot of time fishing (not to mention...and we don't...hunting.) It means complete job training for all the newcomers associated with animals. It also disappointed those equestrian-minded persons, especially those who thought that, if they ever made it to Heaven, they would finally be permitted to bet on a horse race!

Incidentally, advertising geniuses had to go through "reorientation" to abandon such no longer meaningful phrases as: "just divine," "Heavenly aroma," "lifetime guarantee," and "down to Earth prices." One thought of replacing that last one with "Sky high prices," but that was frowned upon.

(c) 2011 Demas W. Jasper All rights reserved.

Note: This is one of five or more "Heaven Knows" short stories you can enjoy here on HubPages. If they don't bring a chuckle, they may make you think.