ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

HOW I’M FIXING AMERICA . . . Big buttocks and nose rings etc.

Updated on February 10, 2017

I’ve written eight novels, and I’m not sure I can get through another. Maybe I have writer's block. The thing is I feel the urge to fix America. That’s silly of course. I’m just one old lady living with her cats. I can’t fix anything, but I can create a hero and task him to the project.

That’s the great thing about writing. You can create these odd, beautiful, ridiculous, brave and memorable characters and assign them to a job that you would never have the courage to take on yourself. You can put them in horrible situations and let them squirm helplessly. Your characters can be kind and generous or evil and dangerous and deranged. And you can make them say things that are, well, shameful and maybe gross.

Greg Spencer is 30 years old, tall, muscular, handsome and brilliant and oh yes, very rich. He has black hair and blue eyes; in fact, he has everything going for him. But Greg is obsessed. He wants to fix America. He’s very concerned with the culture of today. It started at the beach when he was a lifeguard and could not possibly avoid the sight of the huge, bare rear ends of the women in thong bathing suits. He hated that vision.

( I know what you are thinking right now readers. Those bare butts do not repulse guys. It’s you old lady author sitting at home with your cats who objects to big bare buttocksi.) I couldn’t find a word in the dictionary for lots of buttocks, so I made up my own, buttocksi, like cacti, sort of.

OK, it is true, it’s moi that disapproves of big bare butts, but I can make my hero as odd as I choose and trust me, he despises them.

I’m going to need some readers to critique the first chapter of my 9th book. Can Greg Spencer fix America without acting like a lunatic?


FIXING AMERICA

Chapter 1

It was the memory of women’s bulging bare bottoms that eventually catapulted Greg Spencer into his incredible career.

He was only six years old when he delivered his first speech before an audience of twenty-five, which was the count in his classroom. He gave a talk about his dog Mushroom by explaining the importance of proper pet care and making sure your dog always has a fresh bowl of water. “Dogs can’t tell you when they get thirsty,” he told the class.

His speech was informative and funny, and the positive reaction from his classmates lit a fuse and emboldened him. He realized the incredible power of words and eventually began speaking out against the intolerable vulgarity that he considered stains on his blessed country. Fixing America became his raison d'être and his life’s work.

In 2019 Greg celebrated his 30th birthday alone in his stylish beach apartment. He was also celebrating the last day of his employment as an executive in a large furniture manufacturing company. A job he hated. His now deceased parents had made his early retirement a possibility by leaving him several million dollars, which became accessible on that very day.

It was during his summer job as a lifeguard that the seeds for his meticulously planned future began sprouting. As a high school senior he worked a stand at Huntington Beach, California. Surrounding the lifeguard station, most days there was always a large circle of colorful beach towels upon which sat a bevy of girls in tiny string bathing suits.

Now Greg liked pretty girls, but these teenagers on the beach with almost all of their bodies exposed just did not seem appropriate. The very thought of his sweet girlfriend lying partially naked in that manner was upsetting to him. Seeing them below the lifeguard station exposing themselves so flagrantly was irritating and ruining his otherwise great summer job. “Their entire bottoms are bulging out,” he muttered to his lifeguard partner. “Who in the hell wants their fat ass hanging out for the world to see?”

“I don’t mind,” his buddy Paul, offered.

“They don’t even wear tops anymore, just those little round stick on thingies. A woman’s bosoms should be a protected, a feminine mystique sort of thing. You know modesty like.” Greg sat forward and pointed. “Look at that girl! Her boobs are drooping over her rib cage like flour sacks. That’s not attractive.”

“I don’t mind,” his buddy said again.

Greg was already agitated by the slop and slime that got foisted on the citizenry due to a recent presidential race, and that irritant provided the catalyst he needed to test his first societal correction. Although only l8 that summer, he was devising a plan as he lay sunning himself on the lifeguard deck. Suddenly, grabbing a piece of junk mail, he jumped from the deck and began waving the paper and pacing around the circle of girls.

He shouted, “I guess you didn’t read about the new ordinance. It says right here, as a matter of common decency you must cover your rear ends on the beach, either with shorts, or skirts or something. You may no longer allow your posteriors to hang out in public. To be specific, it says your gluteus maximus need coverings when on a public beach. So ladies, cover your rears or I’m going to have to hand out citations that carry severe fines.”

The girls scurried to pull to shorts and wrap towels around themselves. This tall, handsome, alpha male with the black hair and blue eyes was issuing a warning, and they were happy to comply. It was not until later when they told their parents (who reacted with shock but relief) that the girls realized they were pranked.

But that’s all it took. It launched a quest to fix America. A project he would finance with his inheritance which he received early in life due to a tragic accident that killed his parents when Greg was twenty-six


Click thumbnail to view full-size

There were twelve issues that Greg intended to tackle and opportunities popped up regularly. He believed in being prepared and in his car or on his person he carried a few small props. That evening while dining at one of the finer Mexican restaurants in Huntington Beach, California with Sophie his sweetheart since high school, an opportunity did arise and was sitting quite close to their table. A young man with nose rings, earrings, lip rings, chin rings and eyebrow rings was just sitting down with a decent looking young woman. It made Greg sick to look at him. He sprang up from his chair and moved quickly to an adjoining table and sat down across from the guy with all the metal on his face. Sophie tried to grab him before he got to his feet, but she was too late. She just murmured, “Oh no.”

In his coat pocket, Greg was carrying a small booklet, approximately four inches by two inches and on the cover was a color photo of a once handsome young man with his nose missing. In its stead was a gaping raw hole.

Placing the booklet on the table, he hammered it with his finger and shouted so everyone dining in that section could hear, “Infection. Staphylococcus aureus and that’s if you're lucky. I guess by the looks of you that you’re also wearing metal on your dick so you can look forward to penile engorgement and urethral rupture.”

He left the booklet for the stunned diner, and he was mumbling as he stomped back to Sophie. “We shouldn’t have to look at this freak.” Then shouting he waved his arms at the other diners and said, “None of you should have to look at this gruesomeness.” Some of the diners clapped, but most were embarrassed by the entire episode. “ Come on Soph, we are leaving,” he said grabbing Sophie’s hand.

Sophie was used to these outbursts and she had already grabbed two quesadillas and wrapped them in a napkin. As they rushed past the hostess, she grinned, waved and in her sweet voice said, “Maybe you need to be a little more discriminating with your clientele. Ta ta.”

Once outside on the sidewalk, Sophie burst out laughing and said, “Well, that’s one way to get a free meal.”

“It wasn’t about free Soph; it was about decency. I’ll send them a check.”

“I know that sweetie, I’m just kidding and you are right. It was disgusting. I’m just glad we weren’t eating when he arrived.” And with that, she planted a kiss on his cheek and they both began running toward the parking lot.

Settled inside his Mercedes-Benz SL65, Greg asked, “Ta ta? Did you say ta ta?”

“Just drive babe.”

Back in Greg’s apartment, Sophie pulled the quesadillas from her handbag. “Goodie, they’re still warm.” She placed the food on plates and got bottles of beer from the frig. “You’ll feel better after you eat,” she murmured. “ How many of those booklets do you have anyway?”

“Five thousand.”

“I’d like a few hundred.”

“You’re amazing Soph.”

“I know.”

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

So that’s chapter one and now I need to guide Greg through the rest of the irritants he faces as he fixes America. It’s going to be a challenge because there are a total of 12 things that poor Greg thinks he must end.

Wish me luck.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • mslizzee profile imageAUTHOR

      elizabeth 

      2 years ago from Buncombe County, NC

      I understand Maven. You need a chart with all the ribbons laid out with their meanings. How else can you know which to wear on a pertinent day?

      Life is so complicated anymore.

    • maven101 profile image

      maven101 

      2 years ago from Northern Arizona

      There's nothing like wearing your heart on your chest...I care, therefor I am a worthy person, an intellectually engaged person, a person of note, I show my support, not by doing, but by wearing this little ribbon which is so much easier...I'm waiting for the Black ribbon, in support of Black Lives Matter, or the Rainbow ribbon in support of All Lives Matter...No, wait...That one is already taken in support of LGBTX, the X meaning "I'm not sure"...

    • mslizzee profile imageAUTHOR

      elizabeth 

      2 years ago from Buncombe County, NC

      I love these comments Maven. Masks are an excellent solution to everything. Tats on the forehead, wonderful, almost as effective as wearing little-colored ribbons.

    • maven101 profile image

      maven101 

      2 years ago from Northern Arizona

      You do know that Greg is going to get his clock cleaned..Right ?? I hope Sophie is a trained nurse...

      Imposing ones preferences on another is what the Left does...It's called Liberal Fascism with a smiley face...To truly change cultural trends one must come up with a competing trend that provides expressions of individuality, albeit, without all the metal and gross anatomy...How about masks..? A mask could signal your attitude for that day...Happy, angry, sexy, friendly, standoffish, thoughtful, playful, so many emots to present to the world... Temporary tats on the forehead to describe how great and intelligent you are, how concerned you are about this and that...Wouldn't that be wonderful...?...

      Nose rings, permanent tats, earrings by the dozen, body shaping (Big Butts), and hair eruptions are so 20th century...boring...Lets start a new, more interesting cultural trend where everything is expendable, no hair, no metal, no tats, just expendable stuff like fat...

    • mslizzee profile imageAUTHOR

      elizabeth 

      2 years ago from Buncombe County, NC

      Dear Rochelle ad Jodah:

      Good Grief, thank you for pointing that out. It is not for children. They can't help what grownups do.

      Category is now changed

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      This was an interesting and entertaining first chapter to your book. I would like to read more. I too have to question the choice of "How to write for children" as the category, however.

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 

      2 years ago from California Gold Country

      Wondering why this is published under the category "How to write for children".

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)