Top Ten Despicable Animals
The profusion of New Age retro-hippie 'animal lovers'--most of whom end up as rights activists in PETA--and lonely cat-hoarding women has yet to interfere with my appreciation for the animal kingdom. Yes, I do like animals, generally speaking. They like me, too. Cats and dogs just know I'm alright. We understand one another: we know to stay out of each other's business and out of each other's homes. We have an attitude of respect for one another. I understand they're not cuddly cartoons, you see, and they understand that I'm a superior lifeform. In fact, most animals are quite a bit like me: a little surly, they don't suffer fools gladly. Seeing as how there's this cosmic connection between the dumb animals and myself, a not-so-dumb animal, I should like to enlighten my fellow human animals as to the animals I most despise. Because the truth is most animals are assholes.
I find myself both sympathetic to the dolphin and disgusted by what it's become. Once upon a time, the dolphin was but a fish-like mammal minding its own business. Humans liked them, respected them, and mostly left them alone. Then New Agers showed up and declared dolphins the most intelligent species on the planet, capable of healing all illnesses with their spiritual powers. Where'd they get that from? It seems a little arbitrary. I guess dolphins have a very strong crown chakra or perhaps they have clean chi. I'll have to ask Shirley Maclaine. Whatever it may be, the dolphin has become a monster, a money-making monster of New Age terror. It's not the dolphin's fault; it really isn't. New Agers ruin everything they touch with their bullhonky fingers. And unfortunately, their unwashed paws have been all over the dolphins' slick hides, admiring that prehensile, phallic form for its full cosmic power. If only dolphins really were superintelligent, they might just begin giving the New Agers what's coming to them. Alas, dolphins aren't terribly bright, so they just click and swim around until the next meal. Add to this the millions of horrid kitsch paintings that wouldn't exist were it not for dolphins and it's clear why dolphins had to be on the list.
9. House Flies
Flies do a total of five things in their miserable lives: fly, eat, vomit, lay eggs, and die. Of all these activities, it's only the last one I appreciate. I even try to help them accomplish it whenever I can find the time. As for the other activities, their airspace, as far as they're concerned, is always within a radius of no more than a foot from your head. Their diet consists of whatever you're trying to eat. They are constantly vomiting, ensuring that whatever they've touched is violated (something they share with Hollywood producers). And they lay eggs (something I'm fairly certain they don't share with Hollywood producers). The eggs become maggots. But even before the maggots, there is a universal law that states, "All eggs smaller than an adult thumb is an abomination."
Most people's image of a chimp is a silly monkey-like creature making faces and sticking out its tongue, like a really ugly, hairy baby. Thankfully the news has been disillusioning us for the last few years. A series of frankly gruesome stories has been revealing just how horribly violent these creatures are. Humans, for the most part, get along, except for characters like that dork Hitler. There are over six billion humans in the world. The number of those that have or ever will murder another human is actually very small outside of Texas. Chimps, in the wild, tear each other apart. Gangs of male chimps will choose another male chimp to rip to pieces, starting with the genitals. Nature's Hannibal Lecters, they are. This mentality has recently been exerted upon humans who were stupid enough to hold them in captivity. The results are severely mutilated people: torn off faces, gouged out eyes, testicles ripped from the body, and Oprah appearances. Chimpanzees are not cute, not cuddly, not friendly: they are bastards.
Hey, you know what'd be weird? If everybody suddenly decided to love one type of animal for no good reason. Oh right, that already happened! I don't actually hate horses. They can be kinda cool. I hate that other people exorbitantly love them. In Quebec we do sometimes eat horsemeat. This is viewed with horror by some people. Why? Well, when the Magickal Pixies of Yorn entered our world through the Vortex of Power in Sedona, they gave us horses as a symbol of the peace between--oh wait, there's no good reason! Horses are no better than cows. They are every bit as stupid, possibly stupider. Horses panic if a piece of grass moves in a vaguely threatening way. The things have the brains of chickens. They've been Romanticized way out of proportion. They are not noble, loyal, intelligent friends sticking with their cowboys and knights through thick and thin. They're just too stupid to run away. You know who's the blame for the sentimentalization of horses? Teenage girls! Lonely teenage girls who love the feel of a strong, muscular being with enough power to crush them flexing between their pubescent legs. You love your horse between your legs, I love mine on a plate. I'll leave you have your quasi-erotic love of horses and admit they're not repugnant if you just admit there's nothing special about them.
I was hating bears before Colbert ever called them "Godless Killing Machines," but I'm glad he's popularizing what I've known all along. And no matter how many weeks of the year Discovery arbitrarily declares "Shark Week," I will never come to see sharks as amazing, graceful animals. They're swimming, totally appetitive mouths, like giant, limbless babies with really sharp teeth. Actually, that's a weird image. Nevermind that. Basically, any animal that routinely kills humans is on my blacklist.
Just because they kill humans. I know we kill them a lot and stuff, but
uh, well, we're superior beings! Call me speciesist (seriously, do); I just think humans are worth much more than these animals and it really
bugs me when a bear/shark/tiger kills a human. Now if a human is trying
to kill them first, I can see a sort of justice there; but they tend to
attack harmless, elderly campers. What's the point, bear? What is the
point? There is none. Bears are just jerkwads.
Imagine if you could invent a creature that does nothing but swallow other animals and digest them alive? Well you wouldn't, 'cause that would suck, wouldn't it? Apparently Nature disagrees. Snakes swallow things, mate, and die. That's it. Their blank, expressionless eyes stare off into space as they nebulously and mindlessly slither some prey into their stomach. But enough about crackwhores. Yeah, snakes often swallow prey that's so large they spend the rest of their miserable lives digesting it. They have no idea what they're doing: Like most McDonalds customers, they just stupidly and blindly consume. And that makes me loathe them.
Did you know a whale can't swallow anything nearly as large as a human being? There's no way either Jonah or Pinocchio were in a whale's belly. The Bible and Walt Disney lied! In fact, Walt Disney lies about a lot of things. Take Mickey Mouse for instance. Mickey's a great guy; I loved him growing up. Mice should be sweet and friendly like Mickey, doing good deeds and dancing and such, right? No! No, if Walt Disney wanted to accurately represent mouse-kind in Mickey, every Mickey Mouse short would be a blur of frenzied eating and defecating on your counter top as he dances around chewing crumbs and crapping everywhere. Mice do nothing else but scratch holes into your walls, eat crumbs from your counter, and then defecate and urinate right where they've been eating. They are the filthiest, dirtiest douchebags on this list and it's time someone said it. None of my apartments before my current one had mice. So I thought nothing of leaving my toaster out in the open. It was a month before I realized the toaster was full of mouse turds! Oh yes, this one is personal. Mice are vile.
1. Fruit Flies
There's nothing quite like reaching for a banana peel and having a dozen little red specks fly directly into your face. Fruit flies only live about twenty-four hours and yet they managed to squeeze so much annoyance into that time. They are the most ambitious irritants on god's green earth. Their sole purpose during their short lifespans, besides making more fruit flies, is getting in my face. They just know if they fly right into your eyes it will annoy you and if they do it while you're carrying a nearly full bowl of cereal it will both annoy and wet you. Though there has been no fruit fly around for weeks, a single banana peel left out overnight will adopt you a swarm of 'em by morning. Then anything moister than another fruit fly becomes a breeding ground. I have yet to see a fruit fly larva; they just sort of appear and multiply exponentially. Why do they multiply? Because my face is still there.
No New Agers or teenage girls were supposed to be hurt in the making of this article. If you are a New Ager or a teenage girl, just keep telling yourself: "It's only a comedy article, it's only a comedy article."