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Shinedown Helped Me to Not Give Up on Life
Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up On Life?
This post is part of a writers challenge series- Truths.
This has always been a hard topic for me to discuss. I feel like there is a fine line between thinking about giving up on life and suicide. Then, those who think about suicide and actually walk down that path.
I have thought about giving up on life. If you have read any of my twenty-five previous posts of the thirty-one truths than maybe you can understand a little bit about why I might feel the way I do.
There are a lot of things in my life that were bad. Bad things happened to a little girl that caused her to view the world completely different than most kids her age.
Things that happen to a person in life tend to mold them into the adult they are. Depending on what happened will depend on how the development of that child will grow, or even if it will grow at all.
My issues caused me to grow up rather quickly and shut the world around me off.
I tend to go numb. I don’t feel. I do have feelings and they get hurt quite easily I have built a wall up around me so that people can’t come in to hurt me, and I don’t let anyone see me.
In the last year I have developed a coat of arms, my new defense is crying. I try to hide it when I can, making sure to always keep on the mask.
Life is easier that way.
But sometimes I have to take that mask off for some around me. Along with the mask comes down the guard and it usually ends in disaster.
I don’t sit around thinking about how I want to die and plotting the ways to do it. I have never attempted suicide; however I have used piercing needles and razors to stab/cut myself just to remind myself that the pain is real and that despite the numbness in my life, I still feel.
In the last three years that has happened one time. Prior to that, often, and I dealt with it in therapy.
Hours pass by when I think about how life would be like for others around me if I was no longer here. I wonder how their life would go on, how long it would take them to get over me and move on. I want to give up on the life I lead, because it is not going the way it should. But, I can’t think about suicide. It scares me too much.
Then reality hits and I am back to running in a million different directions.
I have the music of Shinedown to thank for that.