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Hilarious / Funny Quotes from Qantas Airline's Gripe Sheets

Updated on August 8, 2012

After flights Qantas Airline pilots have to fill out a form called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells the mechanics of any problems with the aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problem before adding their solutions to the sheet, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before their next flight.

The ground crews obviously have a great sense of humour as reflected in their gripe sheet comments and solutions.

The quotes in this hub are not new to the Internet, but I am sure not everyone here on hubpages will have seen them before, and they are well worth reading for the laughter factor. I take no credit for this hub as I simply copied the content to spread the laughs further.

For ease of reading I have referred to the pilots by the letter 'P', and the mechanic's solutions with the letter 'S'.

Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!

P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*****

P) Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough.

S) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*****

P) Something loose in cockpit.

S) Something tightened in cockpit.

*****

P) Dead bugs on windshield.

S) Live bugs on back-order.

*****

P) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*****

P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S) Evidence removed.

*****

P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

S) DME volume set to more believable level.

*****

P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S) That's what they're for.

*****

P) IFF inoperative.

S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*****

P) Suspected crack in windscreen.

S) Suspect you're right.

*****

P) Number 3 engine missing.

S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*****

P) Aircraft handles funny.

S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

*****

P) Target radar hums.

S) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*****

P) Mouse in cockpit.

S) Cat installed.

*****

P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S) Took hammer away from midget.

*****

Comments

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    • profile image

      Captainanchor 

      14 months ago

      Oi croickee moit! It's a bloody crock it is! The joke's on the Quantas Pilots (skippers) I see eh? Er, ya those mechanics seem to have a sense of humor though. They've got the humor down apparently but still working on the 'sense'. Hopefully their required critical skills don't end there, lol!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      2 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Me too Erika, they never fail to make me laugh out loud.

    • profile image

      Erika 

      2 years ago

      I have laughed at this for years

    • profile image

      Brendan 

      3 years ago

      BEST AIRBUS

      I LOVE QUNTOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • profile image

      Fauve 

      7 years ago

      very goood

    • profile image

      Ex Q Pilot Keith 

      7 years ago

      Flying DC-3's for licence renewal @ Narromine

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks Sixty, so glad you hadn't seen them before as they are that much funnier the first time :)

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 

      10 years ago from South Africa

      Misty Screamingly funny.i have not seen these before.

      i really enjoyed these.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Glad you enjoyed them too Milla, thanks for stopping by :)

    • Milla Mahno profile image

      Milla Mahno 

      10 years ago from Florida

      Thank you Misty, this is very funny!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      So glad you are all enjoying these. I never get tired of reading them and laugh every time :)

    • KT pdx profile image

      KT pdx 

      10 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

      ROFL!!! That's great!!! Especially like the "took hammer away from midget" and "aircraft warned to straighten up..."!

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 

      10 years ago from DC Area

      It's hilarious! I can't remember last time I laughed so hard, seriously. Thanks for bringing this here :)

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      10 years ago from St. Louis

      Very funny! I laughed a lot! I hadn't seen it before. Thanks!

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hi Misha, yes it is funny isn't it, although not new to the Web. I just couldn't resist allowing all of the people here on hubpages who haven't yet seen these quotes to enjoy them too. :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 

      10 years ago from DC Area

      oi-oi-oi-oi-oi! Cindy! it hurts! I can't laugh anymore, have mercy! :D

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks uninvited writer, they certainly made me laugh.

      Sock Puppet, no worries, I am sure they were intentionally being funny, (typical Aussie humour). :)

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Thanks uninvited writer, they certainly made me laugh.

      Sock Puppet, no worries, I am sure they were intentionally being funny, (typical Aussie humour). :)

    • Sock Puppet profile image

      Victor Doppelt 

      10 years ago

      I hope the mechanics are being intentionally funny; otherwise I would be scared to fly this airline.

    • Uninvited Writer profile image

      Susan Keeping 

      10 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

      That is funny :) Thanks.

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile imageAUTHOR

      Cindy Lawson 

      10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      LOL :) thanks for commenting Benson

    • Benson Yeung profile image

      Benson Yeung 

      10 years ago from Hong Kong

      I can't find anything wrong with the gripe sheet either.

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