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Hilarious Sayings

Updated on December 23, 2010

Here are a few hilarious sayings to have a laugh and kill some time...


We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Benjamin Franklin (one of the Founding Fathers of the United States)


Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

Author Unknown


No man acquires property without acquiring with it a little arithmetic also.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (lecturer, essayist, and poet)


If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you.

Arthur McAuliff


Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Hector Berlioz (French composer)


Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen (Actor, director, screenwriter and musician)


If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

Katherine Hepburn (Actress)


When I was a kid I looked up gulliable to prove to my dad it really was in the dicitionary.

Author unknown


Don't squat with your spurs on.

Famous cowboy saying


Wherever a man turns he can find someone who needs him.

Albert Schweitzer (A Franco-German theologian, philosopher, organist, and physician)


My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

Ashleigh Brilliant(author and cartoonist).


Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

Arthur Balfour (British politician)


You can overcome anything if you don't bellyache.

Bernard M. Baruch (A financier, stock-market speculator, statesman, and political consultant who used to advice U.S. Presidents Woodrow Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt on economic matters.)


A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Mae West (Actress)


Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Common Facebook status, author unknown


All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Oscar Wilde (writer and poet)


You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Shrek(Eddie Murphy)


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips (comedian)


You can't have everything....where would you put it?

Steven Wright


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain (author, humorist)


I'm an optimist. I think I will return to Tibet with a Chinese passport.

The Dalai Lama (Buddhist religious leader)


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Mark Twain (author, humorist)


A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.

Woody Allen (Actor, director, screenwriter and musician)


The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.

T-shirt quote, author unknown


Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Voltaire (French Enlightenment writer and philosopher)


Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Colin Sautar


If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Author unknown


Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Author unknown


A Few More Hilarious Sayings

Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.

Friedrich Nietzsche (German philosopher and classical philologist)


Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Robert A. Heinlein (writer)


There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

T-shirt quote/facebook status, author unknown


When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Mae West (actress)


I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

T-shirt quote, author unknown


I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

Eminem (rapper, actor)


I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

T-shirt quote, author unknown


Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.

Oscar Wilde (writer and poet)



It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

George Bernard Shaw (an Irish playwright and a co-founder of the London School of Economics)


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    • Laura du Toit profile image

      Laura du Toit 6 years ago from South Africa

      Great hub!

    • profile image

      DoorMattnomore 6 years ago

      "There’s too much blood in my alcohol system" hahahaha

      Ive known people who said "theres too much blood in my pot stream." Awesome hub, I love funny qoutes.

    • SteveoMc profile image

      SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest

      These were all nice little gems, but I really like: If at first you don't succeed. Skydiving is not for you.

      Thanks for the moment of fun.

    • equinelover909 profile image

      equinelover909 6 years ago

      Great hub! Thanks for the laugh.

    • suejanet profile image

      suejanet 6 years ago

      I love this hub. It is a good laugh and I will use some of these sayings in my writings. Thanks

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      DM, LOL! Yup that one was funny. BTW I am waiting for some more hilarious sayings from you. :)

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Steve, that one is hilarious and one can replace the word skydiving with a lot of other words there.

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Sue, that will be great!

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Laura, Equine, thank you for stopping by! :)

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

      Oh, I like this. Every quote is so thought-provoking. Thanks for entertaining us in this organized manner.

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Martie, thank you for this wonderful comment. "Thanks for entertaining us in this organized manner" can be a quotable quote itself but for some other category.

      And do you know this page contains a quote from another famous hubber?

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

      Which one? I'm curious now. Can't seem to find it :( Please point it out. I would love to read it.

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      "When I was a kid..." one. :)

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 6 years ago from South Africa

      Oh, but why 'Unknown author'? That one is really a good one - the author deserves recognition, don't you think so?

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      The author wouldn't want to disclose their real name and that too for a really genuine reason. So instead of using some false name, which would affect the credibility of this hub, I preferred unknown author.

    • profile image

      DoorMattnomore 6 years ago

      :) I'll be thinking for you.

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Hey DM!

      Thanks! :)

    • kaltopsyd profile image

      kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

      LOL. Thanks for the laugh!

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      You're welcome Kaltopsyd! :D

    • cwarden profile image

      cwarden 6 years ago from USA

      These are great - Thanks!

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Glad you liked it cwarden. :))

    • profile image

      staceystanley 6 years ago

      thanks for the laughs!

    • lovetherain profile image

      lovetherain 6 years ago from Untited States

      You actually made me laugh:)

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Welcome Stacey!

      Lovethe rain, I am glad I could do that.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 6 years ago

      This hub felt like a breath of fresh air. I enjoyed the chuckles, thank you. :)

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Qudsia, thank you for stopping by!! :)

    • gachapoz profile image

      gachapoz 6 years ago

      hahaha, wow, what a fun read. :)

      I began reading it with the intentions to stop after a couple of quotes and continue studying for my biology exam, but before i knew it, i was through the whole thing.

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 6 years ago

      Haha! Gachapoz, your just made a hilarious comment, it qualifies for the hilarious comments category. I might write a hub titled hilarious comments. :D:D

    • jaywigz311 profile image

      jaywigz311 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      This hub is truly hilarious!

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 5 years ago

      Thanks Jaywigz!! :D

    • plaid pages profile image

      plaid pages 5 years ago from Wisconsin

      Thank you! I noted this Hub for a "Pick Me Up" when needed.

      UP and FUNNY

    • Ultimate Hubber profile image
      Author

      Ultimate Hubber 4 years ago

      Thanks plaid pages!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 3 years ago

      Never argue with a stupid person, They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

      ~Mark Twain

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