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Home Alone - A Husband's Survival

Updated on July 27, 2012
Bare Necessities...
Bare Necessities...

Well my wife has left me. She has gone to New York to visit family, leaving me behind for a week to fend for myself. Piece of cake, right?

As I realized this morning after I locked myself out of the house and had to climb through the window to retrieve my keys, it hasn't been as easy as one might think.

While halfway in the house with my legs sticking out of the front window and the dogs looking at me as if to say, Get it together man, it may have seemed as if I was in over my head. But it hasn't been that bad.

So just what have I learned in my week at home alone? My morning routine has been a little bit chaotic to say the least, but that's not to say that I need me wife to take care of me.

We make a great team, she does her tasks and I do mine. But I'm a grown up. it's not like I need a babysitter, right? Before you answer....

Here’s what I'm learning:

I only watch three or four channels – With golf, basketball, and the history channel, my weekend was all set.

You can sustain a week solely on a diet of pizza – Cheese pizza, veggie pizza, pepperoni…..the options are limitless.

Shaving is optional – At least for Saturday and Sunday.

The electric bill will be going down - That's right, unless we hit triple digits, it's windows and fans.

The cat really doesn't like me – He slept behind the table for so long I had to check on him to make sure he was alive. He wakes up, meows at me until I put food in his bowl and then ignores me.....cats.

My friends are still idiots – On Friday night I invited my long lost friends over for drinks and conversation. We talked about the same things we did five years ago…

Dryer sheets do serve a purpose - I'm man enough to admit it...

I’m officially lame – Maybe I've just gotten older, but I had no desire to leave the house on a Friday or Saturday night.

The dogs miss a female voice around the house – Sure I’m good for walks and playing ball in the backyard, but once inside our two dogs hold a vigil for their mother.

There is a reason for those little plug-in air fresheners – When my wife left I immediately pulled them out of the wall, no need for girlie smells around this man cave! I plugged them back in yesterday, I missed the fragrance.

The plants need water – Who knew?

I have no idea how to work our coffee maker - I tried twice and that was not coffee that came out.

You can play ball in the house – Carefully of course

Going shopping is a lot more fun -No clothing stores, Bed Bath and Beyond, and no I found a ten speed bicycle at the Goodwill for $20!

Now I still have a couple of days left on my own, so I’m not out of the woods quite yet, but there have been no injuries or disasters concerning myself or the dogs. And I'm cooking....sort of. On tonight’s menu is a delectable peanut butter and banana sandwich with pretzels on the side.

My tv viewing will involve guns, cheesy jokes, and a bad plot to say the least while my choice in clothing will be questionable at best. Soon, my wife will come home and restore order, but until then I will try my best to hold it together.


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    • MarloByDesign profile image

      MarloByDesign 2 years ago from United States

      I love the comment about your cats..."The cat really doesn't like me". It truly made me laugh!! This should be every man's Staying-home-alone-without-their-wife Guide!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Pete.....It's obvious that you are as aware as most of the world that there is nothing funnier than pure, unadulterated truth. There's more humor in the realities of ordinary people in their everyday life than on any stage.

      And you do it so very well!......This is hilarious.....honest & FUNNY!


    • pinto2011 profile image

      Subhas 4 years ago from New Delhi, India

      Hi weestro! You are at your best man. I thought that you are going to paint a gloomy picture but instead it turns out be so funny. A great read.

    • sonia05 profile image

      sonia05 4 years ago from india

      Home alone and having fun!!....what a delightful hub filled with right dose of humor! Enjoy your space and indulge in all your wild and fun-filled adventures for the limited time till your wife gets back.

      I would not mind my husband having a gala time without me provided he cleans the home before I arrive and maybe arrange a special dinner for me! After all,staying apart makes the heart grow fonder!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks lightshare, it was!

    • Lightshare profile image

      Lightshare 5 years ago

      Really interesting -) -)

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      It sounds like you had a great time at the man cave, I mean, except for that whole unfortunate climbing through the window thing. Your wife is right about the girly fragrances though. Sometimes you are better off not knowing what would happen without them. Fun hub and voted up!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks for reading sherry! Glad you enjoyed it!

    • profile image

      sherry2019 5 years ago from Nairobi

      Thanks, for making a lot of us on hub pages HAPPY People!!!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      I'm praying for rain Angela, Thanks!

    • Angela Brummer profile image

      Angela Brummer 5 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

      Very cute take on this one! The plants need water – Who knew? LOL

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Lynn, It's not too bad, but I probably should start cleaning up now!

      Thanks for reading and sharing Julie!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

      This was hilarious! voted up and sharing :)

    • profile image

      Lynn S. Murphy 5 years ago

      Grea read and funny. I've always wondered what happened when I'd leave my hubby on his own.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks john, glad I could help!

    • johnsmitht profile image

      johnsmitht 5 years ago

      Haha that was good man. This hub made my afternoon :)

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Amen to that billybuc, thanks!

      Baby steps for me moonlake, maybe one day!

      Four cats, yikes! You should be very grateful! Thanks for reading!

    • JessMcCray profile image

      JessMcCray 5 years ago from NYC

      That's was so funny, I had four cats once, and they all hated me, one hid under a table and when I would walk by, he would reach his paw out and scratch me, my husband now is allergic and in a strange way Im grateful, but I love my puppy, he makes the rules

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 5 years ago from America

      Thank goodness it's just you and the pets. I remember when my husband had to take care of a newborn baby for a few days. He figured out fast how hard it was. Your hub is very funny. My one cat also gives my husband dirty looks when his mama is not around. The three other pets give me dirty looks when Papa isn't there for them. They can't become friends with me because my cat is jealous and won't let them.

      Voted up.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      All of us guys are nodding our head in understanding. Bev left me for two weeks awhile back and I barely kept the house together. The hounds were fed up with my act, I looked like something the cat dragged in....God how we need women!

      Great hub!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      bac2basics, I have more questions about your story....

      Thanks Susan, I will try to clean up!

      I do some things around the house Curiad....hold on.....cut the grass and take out the trash...and I do do dishes! Thanks for reading and voting!

      Welcome to hubpages toshima, I like your ideas! Thanks for reading!

      Thanks rebecca! The dryer sheets make the laundry smell less moldy, after I've left washed clothes in the washer overnight!

    • rebeccamealey profile image

      Rebecca Mealey 5 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

      Ha! What a cute and entertaining read! And just what is it that dryer sheets can be used for? I am afraid to ask. Voted up and shared. I think this would go good on my twitter.

    • toshimi profile image

      toshimi 5 years ago from Ohio

      That was hilarious, I got my laugh for the day! I am new to hubpages I am still in the process of reading hubs, have not wrote my own yet but this was great - I hope all my hubs are as great as this one!

      Funny - you're giving me ideas "What to Leave Your Husband When You're Going Out of Town" HA! AND just think about what you would do if you had children to take care of! I hear the excitement being home all by yourself but at the same time you show a whole lot of appreciation for your wife and I think that is great!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      I guess I am the oddball, I am meticulously clean, always do my own laundry, wash the dishes, keep the kitchen and house clean and all my clothing are hung in the closet facing the left like I was taught in the USAF!

      The woman that took everything I ever had and is now history, was the slob and had no clue :)

      Voted Up and I wish you the best!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Whenever I go away my husband survives but it takes me a week of cleaning when I return to get the house back in order. This was a fun read. Good luck with the rest of your days of freedom :)

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 5 years ago from Spain

      Hi Weestro. On first moving to Spain, early one morning my husband locked us out of the house too. Apart from the fact all the windows have bars on them, traditional in Spain, and we live miles from the village. He was stark naked and I wasn´t too far behind him. Obviously he wasn´t hiding the key to get back in anywhere !!! but luckily we came up with a plan to retrieve the keys from the house. Do Follow Becky´s advice above and make sure the house is spotless for your beloved´s return, or you may just find yourself locked out again !!!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Glad I could help you giggle Rustic, and yes my wife needs to be blessed! Thanks!

      Thanks for the tips Becky, I will try to figure out this vacuum cleaner thing today or tomorrow....kidding. Thanks!

      Thanks shiningirisheyes! Glad you enjoyed it, and I will try to keep it together for the next few days!

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 5 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Weestro - This is GREAT!!! I laughed like hell! Your writing is so genuine, I could picture each and every hilarious moment and I so enjoyed the ride. Wonderful humor, great attitidue and most of all - cool diet. I do hope you survive the remainder of your "home alone".

      I hope you continue with more of your antics. I really enjoyed this.

      Voting funny and awesome.....duhhhhhhhh

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      I am envious. I could use a week without my husband. He is driving me nuts. Make sure to clean the house before she comes home. It will only make her sigh heavily as men do not know how to clean. It will keep you from having to haul her to the hospital from a heart attack. You know those pizza boxes are still on the counter. Put them in the garbage and haul that out to the trash. Have fun and enjoy yourself. Don't forget to get the beer bottles out from under your chair.

    • Rusticliving profile image

      Elizabeth Rayen 5 years ago from California

      OMG.. I laughed so hard I nearly spewed my coffee all over my monitor! I have two things to say..1) I commend you on your week adventure and almost getting through it virtuously "Wife Free"..and...... 2)GOD BLESS YOUR WIFE!

      Thanks for the giggle! Voted up and shared! :)