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Horoscope or Horrorscope

Updated on March 26, 2009

This morning when I got to my computer I did the usual things, check my email, read the news headlines, check stocks, and read my horoscope. I was slightly surprised when I read my horoscope today. Here is what it said. If you can't seem to get revved up and get active, then you should stop trying. WTF? I glanced at this one again, and again, and once again. That seems to be a really weird horoscope, why would you stop trying to be active? I read it again. Yep, still weird. I was beginning to think maybe I was fully awake yet. That can't be what that says can it, I asked myself. I decided I wasn't yet awake and drank some more coffee. As I was drinking my cofee I got to thinking how much I used to ike this little publication that published horrorscopes or horridscopes.

Alot like horoscopes, except with a funny twist and maybe an added insult. I hadn't seen one of those in a long time. So I set about finding some. Heres what I came up with. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.


Gemini

Virgo

Taurus

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Pisces

Leo

Cancer

Capricorn

Aries

I have decided to come up with my own Horrorscopes being that I am an expert at all things starry. So here it goes.

I will start with my own astrological sign first.

Sagittarius- You are getting back in the mood for socializing as the blisters have scabbed over and you are no longer contagious.

Capricorn- Don't worry if you are feeling blue. You will soon be feeling green than yellow because thats what bruising looks like as you heal.

Aqaurius- Look back at some recent dramatic events and wonder why you keep causing so much drama. Heres a hint, you are a drama queen or king.

Picses- Your chock full of energy but todday is not the day to start a new peoject. Lay off for a day or two, it gets a little annoying and you're making the rest of us look bad.

Aries- Today is about feeding your brain. Good thing becasue if you feed your face anymore your clothes will not be able to handle the size of you.

Taurus- Friendships require effort to stay healthy but who has time for that. You are your own best friend anyway.

Gemini- Don't be afraid to reach out to people. Just be sure you have their permission before touching them. Can you say sexual harassement?

Cancer- Friction with authority figures is never fun thats why you will not confront anyone in authority or otherwise. Get a spine.

Leo- In order to get what you want you will bat your eyelashes, unbutton a few buttons on the neckline of your shirt and show a lot more leg and thats just for the male leo's. I can't even say what You female leo's will do for what they want. You will get it someway somehow.

Virgo- At some point you will have to choose advancement over popularity. You can't have it all, Quit being so damn greedy.

Libra- face up to big issues you've been procrastinating on. If I know you you have procrastinated in reading to the end of this horrorscope. Seriously get it together.

Scorpio- Reality rarely lives up to expectations especially for you. Get your head out of the clouds. Lower your standards. Like your life and live it or go cry in the corner where the rest of us aren't bothered by it.

Ok, that's all I got for today. I hope you liked them and I hope nobody was offended. If you are go join scorpio in the corner.


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    • Kate D profile image

      Kate D 

      7 years ago from Southampton

      I LOVE these Horrorscopes! I actually came across Retox Magazine that has weird horrorscopes and funny enough, the same video horrorscope as the one above but a more recent version for 2011. http://www.retoxmagazine.com/horrorscope-july.html

      @Christoph hahahahaa- good comment! :p

    • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

      Cindy Lawson 

      8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

      Hi Gwendy, my turn to ask for your input. Any chance you can visit my recent hub and comment, as a few of the responses have been somewhat surprising, and I could do with another female's input to put these people straight. The link to it is: https://hubpages.com/literature/Do-I-have-Please-G...

      Thanks, hope to see you there :)

    • profile image

      Calling Crow 

      9 years ago

      LOL! First time I've seen the Xena-Scope and surprisingly it is right on the mark. :P No luck, and my waning ambition has me cornered. UGH! Yours was cute and also true, lol! I have a lot to heal from this year and seem to finally be pushing towards the recovery room.

      Anyway, I'm new to this and yours is the first I read. I also have a fondness for horoscopes, astrology as well as other forms of divination.

      Happiness to you and I'll see ya around :)

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Elena, It's all that time I have spent howl I mean studing the moon and stars. Glad you liked it . Come back anytime.

      Uriel, Thanks. I am glad if I can make someone laugh.

      Spryte, Where have you been? When are you coming back? I am very flattered that you like these. The whole time I was doing this hub I was thinking of your hub on how to tag and bag a man. I miss those days. The taggin and bagging of men and when you wrote a hub and we all got together and hubjacked and just had a good time. Come back soon.

    • spryte profile image

      spryte 

      9 years ago from Arizona, USA

      *snark* LOL! Gwendy!! ROFLMAO! :)

      I loved this and yeah....that horror scope cartoon woman is a bit scary...but I loved your inventive horrorscopes even more! Well done!

    • Uriel profile image

      Uriel 

      9 years ago from Lebanon

      LOL .. aquarius totally true lol... drama queen yeh these days... cant stop LOLn' gr8 job lol

    • Elena. profile image

      Elena. 

      9 years ago from Madrid

      gwendymom, how'd you guess I've been procastinating? Aquarius and Leo had me laughing out loud!

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Oh patricia. It will be ok, I think.

      CR, Sorry. At least I didn't call you a maroon like I did GT.

      Don't hold your breathe on that photo though. I think Shades is still waiting on one with my cheese grater helmet and anal probe shield.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      9 years ago from St. Louis

      You....you don't believe me????? I am hurt, Gwendy. Cut deep.

    • Patricia Costanzo profile image

      Patricia Costanzo 

      9 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

      Teresa took the words right out of my mouth, it appears I'm screwed.

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Yea, in an intellectual way.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      9 years ago from St. Louis

      No. They're fine. I think I had too many windows open and stuff, so it only played one for me, but now they're all working. I must say, it sure did seem to fit me...spookily so. OOOoooOOoooOOooo! When are you going to take some pictures of you in that costume and post them? I sure would like to see them...in an intellectual way, you understand.

      Fun!

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Yes I did CR, thanks for noticing! Ha, I wish.

      Really I just tried them and didn't seem to have any probs. I'll try them again later from my husbands puter and see if they work on his.

      Thanks for taking time to read, or listen and comment.

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 

      9 years ago from St. Louis

      Did you model for the horoscope babe? She looks just like you! From Leo (me) on down, they all say Video no longer available. Bummer.

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      That xena she's a charmer isn't she? You know Teresa I have put a lifetime into studying the cosmos and all things starry so I am glad that I am finally getting the appreciation I deserve.

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 

      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Xena's scary one. Yours was kinda spot on, too -- and much nicer -- thanks!

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Which one Teresa, Xenas scary horrorscope or my well researched expertise horrorscope?

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 

      9 years ago from The Other Bangor

      Mine was spot on! I had to laugh it was so close to reality. Boy, is my life screwed. . . .

    • gwendymom profile imageAUTHOR

      gwendymom 

      9 years ago from Oklahoma

      Cris, that Xena is kind of scary. Sorry bout your luck. I hope you get to feeling green soon! Thanks for stopping by, always good to see you.

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      9 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      horror of horrors! Xena said I have no luck this year! :C

      i'd rather have your reading GM, at least I am healing and will soon be feeling green in no time! :D

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