ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How Hairy Potbelly Could Save The Publishing Industry

Updated on November 21, 2009

My long time literary agent (one of the big hotshots in London), told me last year that he was getting out of the business he'd been in for his entire life. Publishers have completely stopped buying. Anything at all, pretty well no matter what it is... If you already are a known quantity on the bestseller lists, they will think about it. If not, they won't even talk to you. So he figures what's the use of a literary agent when there is no market?

It seems that unless your surname is Rowling, there is no way that anyone can publish a book these days. Therefore, I've long given up on trying to publish new books. I had been thinking about a line of books about a wizard who looks a lot like me. I wanted to name the series: Hairy Potbelly.

It would be a series of books featuring flashbacks to advance the plot: When Hairy was an infant he was a witness to the murder of his mother and father by Lord Baldermort, an evil wizard with an obsession for electrolysis and Brazilians. Baldermort killed Hairy's parents by slowly torture waxing them, but when Baldermort turns to Hairy with hot wax strips in hand, he is mysteriously struck dead and Hairy is left with the logo of Zip Hot Wax Cream on his Potbelly.

Hairy is empowered by this symbol which strikes terror into the hearts and stomachs of evil doers, as no ingested lunch can survive even a fleeting glance at this hirsute globular flab sack. The wizard Haldus Dumbasdork realizes that something must be done about Hairy Potbelly, so he transfers him to the home of his Muddled relatives. Since Hairy never takes off his shirt, his relatives are not aware of his disgustopower and thus continue to feed him eggplant parmigiana and fried Mars bars. Hairy's power grows as does his belly, until the Muggle home has to be fitted with a hangar door just to let Hairy and his dirigible sized Potbelly outdoors.

Hairy is able to chew his way through every fish and chips stand in The Midlands until he arrives at Hogswill where he gets on the wrong side of Severely Snapped, a psychopath potions master who resents Hairy's penchant for stripping the school cafeteria bare before Severely can go and get his Welsh Rarebit. Soon an epic battle takes place between Hairy who is trying to save the world so he can continue eating it, and Lord Baldermort, who has come back from the dead in order to find the Fillosopher's Platter, a legendary meal concocted in Hell's Kitchen by the giant Ramsay Hagordon which will give the evil wizard the gift of immortality and make all of Hairy's body hair fall off.

Of course at the end Hairy triumphs and the world is made safe once again for big fat hairy gluttons like the author. The end.

It truly is a shame that the implosion of the publishing industry has created a situation whereby millions of readers around the world are going to be denied the opportunity to share in this wonderous adventure. So all readers can now resign themselves that if they are not rabid fans of the Ten Anointed Authors: Rowling, King, Patterson, Clancy, Steel, Grisham, Koontz, Follett, Evanovich, or Sparks, they can read... er.. HubPages! It's way better, more literate, more fun, and doesn't set you back $29.95 a pop! Yes it is true: HP (Hairy Potbelly) & HP (HubPages) are the intelligent reader's last source of great literature!

This Hub was requested by the admirable, awe-inspiring, astounding, astonishing, amazing, awesome (and that's just the A's) Shalini Kagal. If you liked it, thank her. If you didn't, then your sense of humor perished along with Lord Baldermort.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      Fair nuf, but although my agent was not God, he was pretty close to that in the Brit pub industry. And now he's retired in the Lake Country pondering which bait to use today. :(

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      What can you do but get over it and move on? Times change, times are hard. Remember your agent is not God and .... and....

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      8 years ago from Toronto

      You are my muse, my inspiration, and my satori shover (hmm... that doesn't quite sound right...). Now please don't tell anyone that the guy under that hair is me... when I was younger and skinnier! :)

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 

      8 years ago from India

      Hal, oh Hal - this is such a hoot! And don't thank me - all I did was to give you a gentle shove in the right direction :)


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)