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How Hairy Potbelly Could Save The Publishing Industry

Updated on November 21, 2009

My long time literary agent (one of the big hotshots in London), told me last year that he was getting out of the business he'd been in for his entire life. Publishers have completely stopped buying. Anything at all, pretty well no matter what it is... If you already are a known quantity on the bestseller lists, they will think about it. If not, they won't even talk to you. So he figures what's the use of a literary agent when there is no market?

It seems that unless your surname is Rowling, there is no way that anyone can publish a book these days. Therefore, I've long given up on trying to publish new books. I had been thinking about a line of books about a wizard who looks a lot like me. I wanted to name the series: Hairy Potbelly.

It would be a series of books featuring flashbacks to advance the plot: When Hairy was an infant he was a witness to the murder of his mother and father by Lord Baldermort, an evil wizard with an obsession for electrolysis and Brazilians. Baldermort killed Hairy's parents by slowly torture waxing them, but when Baldermort turns to Hairy with hot wax strips in hand, he is mysteriously struck dead and Hairy is left with the logo of Zip Hot Wax Cream on his Potbelly.

Hairy is empowered by this symbol which strikes terror into the hearts and stomachs of evil doers, as no ingested lunch can survive even a fleeting glance at this hirsute globular flab sack. The wizard Haldus Dumbasdork realizes that something must be done about Hairy Potbelly, so he transfers him to the home of his Muddled relatives. Since Hairy never takes off his shirt, his relatives are not aware of his disgustopower and thus continue to feed him eggplant parmigiana and fried Mars bars. Hairy's power grows as does his belly, until the Muggle home has to be fitted with a hangar door just to let Hairy and his dirigible sized Potbelly outdoors.

Hairy is able to chew his way through every fish and chips stand in The Midlands until he arrives at Hogswill where he gets on the wrong side of Severely Snapped, a psychopath potions master who resents Hairy's penchant for stripping the school cafeteria bare before Severely can go and get his Welsh Rarebit. Soon an epic battle takes place between Hairy who is trying to save the world so he can continue eating it, and Lord Baldermort, who has come back from the dead in order to find the Fillosopher's Platter, a legendary meal concocted in Hell's Kitchen by the giant Ramsay Hagordon which will give the evil wizard the gift of immortality and make all of Hairy's body hair fall off.

Of course at the end Hairy triumphs and the world is made safe once again for big fat hairy gluttons like the author. The end.

It truly is a shame that the implosion of the publishing industry has created a situation whereby millions of readers around the world are going to be denied the opportunity to share in this wonderous adventure. So all readers can now resign themselves that if they are not rabid fans of the Ten Anointed Authors: Rowling, King, Patterson, Clancy, Steel, Grisham, Koontz, Follett, Evanovich, or Sparks, they can read... er.. HubPages! It's way better, more literate, more fun, and doesn't set you back $29.95 a pop! Yes it is true: HP (Hairy Potbelly) & HP (HubPages) are the intelligent reader's last source of great literature!

This Hub was requested by the admirable, awe-inspiring, astounding, astonishing, amazing, awesome (and that's just the A's) Shalini Kagal. If you liked it, thank her. If you didn't, then your sense of humor perished along with Lord Baldermort.


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    • Hal Licino profile image

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      Fair nuf, but although my agent was not God, he was pretty close to that in the Brit pub industry. And now he's retired in the Lake Country pondering which bait to use today. :(

    • profile image

      BookFlame 8 years ago

      What can you do but get over it and move on? Times change, times are hard. Remember your agent is not God and .... and....

    • Hal Licino profile image

      Hal Licino 8 years ago from Toronto

      You are my muse, my inspiration, and my satori shover (hmm... that doesn't quite sound right...). Now please don't tell anyone that the guy under that hair is me... when I was younger and skinnier! :)

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 8 years ago from India

      Hal, oh Hal - this is such a hoot! And don't thank me - all I did was to give you a gentle shove in the right direction :)