- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
How To Drive A Narcissist Nuts
I can't understand a word you're saying.
Do you have a narcissist in your life? Are you not sure? A good way to identify a North American narcissist is by the sounds they make. You can usually distinctively understand "I, me, my, and sometimes mine", in English, at or near the beginning of every prolonged utterance of the narcissist. However, after that first sound, many experts have so effectively been self-conditioned to "tune out", no documentation of the rest of the narcissist's mumbo jumbo has been retained for study. (And thank goodness for that!)
If you accidentally find yourself in a friendship, relationship, or on a ship with a narcissist, there are certain steps to take to preserve your sanity, while driving the narcissist nuts, and many times running them off, for at least brief periods of time.
For example, when the narcissist says, "I... blah, blah, BLAB, jabber. ME! I, I, I. Myself". Simply say, "Whaaat?" (Using a confused look at this time is also helpful.) The narcissist's first response will characteristically be indignant volume raising, instant assuming of an annoyed posture and/or tone, and a very put upon attitude, while repeating the self-absorbed, postulating dribble you didn't want to hear in the first place.
When the narcissist has finished that second blast of the same old crap-a-roo, don't reply in any way relative to what you think you heard. For example if the narcissist has just told you every detail about the 25 pairs of salt and pepper shakers in his or her personal collection, and your private thoughts of how fun it would be to just go ahead and jump out the window seem all too real, reply to the narcissist with something that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or their shakers. You might slowly say instead, "Really? Well you know... Great Aunt Bessie's second husband's nephew by marriage bought a pair of skunks last June from a man way over in _________, (insert location of your choice).
Not only will this strategy remove the narcissist's thoughts from themself for up to 1/8 of a second, it will 9 out of 10 times, provoke them to respond, "What the..."? in a disoriented manner. And loosing focus on themself for even a fraction of an instant makes a narcissist nuts!
Experts are split on the next step, with one side advocating another entirely different subject for your reply, to keep them disoriented even longer. While the other side suggests repeating yourself slowly, then without taking a breath, going on to describe the skunks, their hutches, food dishes, water bottles, and trip to the vet to remove the scent glands, for example. Do this in great detail, and don't stop to take a breath! If you do, the narcissist will interupt you without fail. (So practice speaking without breathing!)
However, there have been cases when narcissists confronted with too much information about any subject other than themselves, have actually had anxiety attacks, hyper-ventilated, or fell unconscious. The main problem with any of these adverse side effects, is the narcissist will 99.9% of the time, continue talking about themselves, even while in suspended animation.
Be aware if you ask a narcissist for advise, you will be bombarded with his or her life history, including but not limited to all the things they did, or should have done, under very similar, ... worse, better, (but always more extreme circumstances). What they think you should do, shouldn't do, and what they advised 72 other people to do in like situations. They will recount results they saw, how they dissected the results, and review for you (all 72 situations), proving the advise being given to you is good, sound, and correct. Because a narcissist never wrong.
Be advised that narcissists come in all ages, ethic groups, economical situations, and both genders. The stranger in the shoe store who asks your opinion about the purple boot on their left foot compared to the yellow one on their right, may end up wasting 30 minutes of your life telling you about their personal wardrobe and the pros and cons of why they need both colors of boots, right NOW! (They can accomplish this due to their own lack of needing to breath while talking about themselves). And all you came in the store for was a pair of freaking shoe laces!
Back away slowly in this type of incident, and if they try to follow you, start to slobber, and scratch yourself in an inappropriate manner. Because no self loving narcissist will be seen near a "freak".
Never invite a narcissist to a party if they are not the intended guest of honor. Because before the party for Cousin Bill's return from his one man exploration of the southern polar ice cap has even gotten started good, the narcissist will be center stage expounding on their own adventurous trip to the local go kart track.
When this happens pretend the story is so exciting you must all load up and go ride go karts at that very moment! Promise to meet them there. Then ask, "Isn't the track over on the corner of 5th and Clover"? The narcissist will automatically want to lead the way. Use this to your advantage, and everyone pile into your cars, and drive at least 80 miles in the other direction and find a boggy, secluded swamp where you can peacefully continue the party.
One party goer will have to be sacrificed at this time to ride along with the narcissist, who will not go alone. Be prepared to pick this person up later at the local after hours clinic... Because they will probably need treatment for wounds sustained when jumping out of the narcissist's moving vehicle in desperation. The narcissist won't notice for several miles, because of all the yacking! This will also only confuse them for up a full 45 seconds. (Because this kind of phenomenon has happened so often before, he or she is becoming used it.)
In the mean while the narcissist will never know you ditched them on purpose, (because everyone longs for their company), and will spend hours trying to find the group. When they eventually catch up with you at home hours later, laugh it off and ask why they never made it to the go kart track. Then say "goodnight" since the party will be over by then. And smile. This will make your narcissist NUTS! (Expect them to sputter uncontrollably as you close and lock your door).
Narcissists may be found in many casual social settings. Like the local karaoke bar. This is where a singing narcissist will drown out the music to tunes like "Me and Mrs. Jones", (Preformed by: Ima Jones.) But, she will not sit down and give the next person, who can actually sing pretty good, a turn in the spot light, (unless forced to do so by management) because she's the star of the evening!
Narcissists may tend to be found in herds at places such as salons, trendy bathing suit retailers, and many other fashion or beauty retailers. You will find the staff at these establishments very skilled in evasive tactics, and probably under a doctor's care for anxiety. Please don't be fooled by the locations where you find congregated narcissists. Not many narcissists have even half the style sense, fashion forward savvy, or even body they say they do. So just because these people may look out of place in their surroundings, it has been scientifically proven that a narcissist is always comfortable with themself.
On a more personal level... A narcissist roommate or spouse will not be bothered at all by waking you in the middle of the night to ask if you know where he or she left his or her People magazine, other knit glove, pack of gum, or next week's shopping list. Even if you are due in the surgery theater at 6:00 am sharp to preform the first ever experimental brain transplant, and are currently suffering from acute flatus, accompanied by chronic twitching.
Screaming, yelling, and demanding respect from the narcissist will only result in being told by him or her how bad they need the magazine, glove, gum, or list and why they thought it was okay to wake you, and how they can't believe you could ever be so inconsiderate of their feelings as to scream or yell at them. The respect part will not register with them, since they are the only living soul who actually deserves respect, making that point moot.
When this happens just send the narcissist to the basement saying you took the magazine etc down there earlier, then slip out to your car to sleep. Before going to the car, quickly turn on the bathroom light, and the tap in the sink or shower, and begin a 2 hour pre-recorded tape of yourself which says, "I can't hear you", at random intervals. Always have this important emergency tool ready and hidden under the dirty towels! Because if the narcissist thinks you're not in there, he or she will hunt you down!
These are just a few tips from the experts on how to drive a narcissist nuts. As more research data becomes available, I'm sure we will all be able to learn how to cope better. And in the mean while, please, please do not breed with a narcissist, as the trait may be genetic!
If you enjoyed this and would like a hard copy for yourself, or as a gift, please visit the address below and order one today! Thanks!
I found this Hub republished word for word by another person, on another blog site, and was glad to see I was credited with writing it.
What was very different were the comments posted there! So serious, and such darkness about the subject.
That being said.... Thank you to all my readers who have visited and left comments! Thank you for recognizing the humor it was written with, and thank you so very much for the humor it was received with!
You are all wonderful, and I appreciate each and every one of you!