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How To Drive A Narcissist Nuts

Updated on May 13, 2013

I can't understand a word you're saying.

Pesty People

Do you have a narcissist in your life? Are you not sure? A good way to identify a North American narcissist is by the sounds they make. You can usually distinctively understand "I, me, my, and sometimes mine", in English, at or near the beginning of every prolonged utterance of the narcissist. However, after that first sound, many experts have so effectively been self-conditioned to "tune out", no documentation of the rest of the narcissist's mumbo jumbo has been retained for study. (And thank goodness for that!)

If you accidentally find yourself in a friendship, relationship, or on a ship with a narcissist, there are certain steps to take to preserve your sanity, while driving the narcissist nuts, and many times running them off, for at least brief periods of time.

For example, when the narcissist says, "I... blah, blah, BLAB, jabber. ME! I, I, I. Myself". Simply say, "Whaaat?" (Using a confused look at this time is also helpful.) The narcissist's first response will characteristically be indignant volume raising, instant assuming of an annoyed posture and/or tone, and a very put upon attitude, while repeating the self-absorbed, postulating dribble you didn't want to hear in the first place.

When the narcissist has finished that second blast of the same old crap-a-roo, don't reply in any way relative to what you think you heard. For example if the narcissist has just told you every detail about the 25 pairs of salt and pepper shakers in his or her personal collection, and your private thoughts of how fun it would be to just go ahead and jump out the window seem all too real, reply to the narcissist with something that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or their shakers. You might slowly say instead, "Really? Well you know... Great Aunt Bessie's second husband's nephew by marriage bought a pair of skunks last June from a man way over in _________, (insert location of your choice).

Not only will this strategy remove the narcissist's thoughts from themself for up to 1/8 of a second, it will 9 out of 10 times, provoke them to respond, "What the..."? in a disoriented manner. And loosing focus on themself for even a fraction of an instant makes a narcissist nuts!

Experts are split on the next step, with one side advocating another entirely different subject for your reply, to keep them disoriented even longer. While the other side suggests repeating yourself slowly, then without taking a breath, going on to describe the skunks, their hutches, food dishes, water bottles, and trip to the vet to remove the scent glands, for example. Do this in great detail, and don't stop to take a breath! If you do, the narcissist will interupt you without fail. (So practice speaking without breathing!)

However, there have been cases when narcissists confronted with too much information about any subject other than themselves, have actually had anxiety attacks, hyper-ventilated, or fell unconscious. The main problem with any of these adverse side effects, is the narcissist will 99.9% of the time, continue talking about themselves, even while in suspended animation.

Be aware if you ask a narcissist for advise, you will be bombarded with his or her life history, including but not limited to all the things they did, or should have done, under very similar, ... worse, better, (but always more extreme circumstances). What they think you should do, shouldn't do, and what they advised 72 other people to do in like situations. They will recount results they saw, how they dissected the results, and review for you (all 72 situations), proving the advise being given to you is good, sound, and correct. Because a narcissist never wrong.

Be advised that narcissists come in all ages, ethic groups, economical situations, and both genders. The stranger in the shoe store who asks your opinion about the purple boot on their left foot compared to the yellow one on their right, may end up wasting 30 minutes of your life telling you about their personal wardrobe and the pros and cons of why they need both colors of boots, right NOW! (They can accomplish this due to their own lack of needing to breath while talking about themselves). And all you came in the store for was a pair of freaking shoe laces!

Back away slowly in this type of incident, and if they try to follow you, start to slobber, and scratch yourself in an inappropriate manner. Because no self loving narcissist will be seen near a "freak".

Never invite a narcissist to a party if they are not the intended guest of honor. Because before the party for Cousin Bill's return from his one man exploration of the southern polar ice cap has even gotten started good, the narcissist will be center stage expounding on their own adventurous trip to the local go kart track.

When this happens pretend the story is so exciting you must all load up and go ride go karts at that very moment! Promise to meet them there. Then ask, "Isn't the track over on the corner of 5th and Clover"? The narcissist will automatically want to lead the way. Use this to your advantage, and everyone pile into your cars, and drive at least 80 miles in the other direction and find a boggy, secluded swamp where you can peacefully continue the party.

One party goer will have to be sacrificed at this time to ride along with the narcissist, who will not go alone. Be prepared to pick this person up later at the local after hours clinic... Because they will probably need treatment for wounds sustained when jumping out of the narcissist's moving vehicle in desperation. The narcissist won't notice for several miles, because of all the yacking! This will also only confuse them for up a full 45 seconds. (Because this kind of phenomenon has happened so often before, he or she is becoming used it.)

In the mean while the narcissist will never know you ditched them on purpose, (because everyone longs for their company), and will spend hours trying to find the group. When they eventually catch up with you at home hours later, laugh it off and ask why they never made it to the go kart track. Then say "goodnight" since the party will be over by then. And smile. This will make your narcissist NUTS! (Expect them to sputter uncontrollably as you close and lock your door).

Narcissists may be found in many casual social settings. Like the local karaoke bar. This is where a singing narcissist will drown out the music to tunes like "Me and Mrs. Jones", (Preformed by: Ima Jones.) But, she will not sit down and give the next person, who can actually sing pretty good, a turn in the spot light, (unless forced to do so by management) because she's the star of the evening!

Narcissists may tend to be found in herds at places such as salons, trendy bathing suit retailers, and many other fashion or beauty retailers. You will find the staff at these establishments very skilled in evasive tactics, and probably under a doctor's care for anxiety. Please don't be fooled by the locations where you find congregated narcissists. Not many narcissists have even half the style sense, fashion forward savvy, or even body they say they do. So just because these people may look out of place in their surroundings, it has been scientifically proven that a narcissist is always comfortable with themself.

On a more personal level... A narcissist roommate or spouse will not be bothered at all by waking you in the middle of the night to ask if you know where he or she left his or her People magazine, other knit glove, pack of gum, or next week's shopping list. Even if you are due in the surgery theater at 6:00 am sharp to preform the first ever experimental brain transplant, and are currently suffering from acute flatus, accompanied by chronic twitching.

Screaming, yelling, and demanding respect from the narcissist will only result in being told by him or her how bad they need the magazine, glove, gum, or list and why they thought it was okay to wake you, and how they can't believe you could ever be so inconsiderate of their feelings as to scream or yell at them. The respect part will not register with them, since they are the only living soul who actually deserves respect, making that point moot.

When this happens just send the narcissist to the basement saying you took the magazine etc down there earlier, then slip out to your car to sleep. Before going to the car, quickly turn on the bathroom light, and the tap in the sink or shower, and begin a 2 hour pre-recorded tape of yourself which says, "I can't hear you", at random intervals. Always have this important emergency tool ready and hidden under the dirty towels! Because if the narcissist thinks you're not in there, he or she will hunt you down!

These are just a few tips from the experts on how to drive a narcissist nuts. As more research data becomes available, I'm sure we will all be able to learn how to cope better. And in the mean while, please, please do not breed with a narcissist, as the trait may be genetic!

http://runabstract.hubpages.com/hub/Worry-free-Worry

If you enjoyed this and would like a hard copy for yourself, or as a gift, please visit the address below and order one today! Thanks!

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UPDATE!!! 05/13/13

I found this Hub republished word for word by another person, on another blog site, and was glad to see I was credited with writing it.

What was very different were the comments posted there! So serious, and such darkness about the subject.

That being said.... Thank you to all my readers who have visited and left comments! Thank you for recognizing the humor it was written with, and thank you so very much for the humor it was received with!

You are all wonderful, and I appreciate each and every one of you!

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    • profile image

      rachel evans 2 years ago

      thank you thank you thank you, cannot wait to try the skunk one out.

    • profile image

      teresa 2 years ago

      nusa lot of these tips when I had a narc bf. Or id sing lets talk me lets talk you you you you Or I'd give an extremely loud obnoxious yawn when he would start bragging on himself. But the best advice was to completely emotionally withdraw. When he was giving me the silent treatment. I'd give it a day or two and then I'd start talking on the ph to someone bragging about how quiet and peaceful my life was at the moment. That I hadn't had to listen to no bs cause I was being punished for my transgression against the man who thinks be is god.

    • profile image

      Sharon 2 years ago

      Hilarious and so true!

    • RunAbstract profile image
      Author

      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      Soheilajaan, thanks so much for telling lebedev how the cow ate the cabbage! Much gratitude, and I appreciate you stopping by!

    • RunAbstract profile image
      Author

      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      jcressler, thanks for reading and commenting! And I agree... they do love the look of themselves!

    • Soheilajaan profile image

      Soheilajaan 4 years ago from Los Angeles, California

      Please allow me to apologize to lebedev on behalf of the blog, the internet and all those who have ever disappointed lebedev. We say, "you are right, we do not deserve even to be illuminated by the light of our own monitors, which we may indeed frequent or own." It has been 7 months since your post. Please come back for we know not how to frequent our monitors without you. We beg you to enlighten us to what it means to frequent a monitor. Do you speak of the Savannah variety or the Timor monitor? We are lost without your insight, and we wither.

    • jcressler profile image

      James E Cressler 4 years ago from Orlando, Florida

      Thumbs up and funny! "the narcissist will 99.9% of the time, continue talking about themselves, even while in suspended animation."

      I would add that where I've seen the largest concentrations of narcissists is at fitness centers, in any room that is paneled with mirrors. They always wear spandex even when they're obese!

    • RunAbstract profile image
      Author

      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      RomanRose, what a sad and horrible situation! I'm so sorry for you... I think, and I am a NONprofessional, that this guy has way more going on that being a narc. It sounds as if he has serious mental issues and needs real help, and not from you! Meds and extensive psycho therapy. Will he seek help? Who knows? But you have, in my opinion, done the right thing to cut him loose, rather than letting him be a torment in your life.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, and God be with you.

    • profile image

      RomanRose 4 years ago

      I would laugh if dealing with a narcissist, a narcissistic sociopath in this case, didn't leave me feeling completely drained and nearly defeated, as if crawling out of the trenches of a horrible war. The narc is my ex half-brother who ended up completely estranged from my life after destroying everything that was sacred by shoving my beloved mother's urn and photo in my face during a fit of rage, and yelling at me that I "killed" my own mother! My mother suffered with stage IV breast cancer for nearly 5 years and passed on Valentine's day. I am grieving horrible, she is my soul mate. How could anyone with any empathy or conscience resort to those kind of words and that behavior? It takes a special inner cruelty, but he would seemingly help you from the bottom of his heart one moment and have you begging for mercy the next. Poor mom was always his victim #1, and he probably thought I would take that place, after just moving in with me without permission mind you, after mom passed. He is also 'never' wrong and God forbid you object or critique him in any way at all...you will be his target and he WILL seek and destroy you, lie, twist the truth around against you, make you feel that you are the evil maniac, and will try to "punish" you emotionally so you come crawling back on your knees, praising and apologizing to him...I don't know. He has done enough to our family and during the time of our mother's greatest suffering and need, he showed complete emotional/psychological evil and abuse towards me, driving me to have panic attacks and quicker burnout/break down; all the while threatening me with empty promises, making me look like the hooligan and him practically a 'saint'. Sorry, but the only way one can try to move on and fix this is by cutting all ties with these people. They will NEVER change. The rest of the family is afraid of him and wants him out of their lives, but of course, he is "the black sheep of the family", and this is how he sees himself.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      Cat Lover, I am so glad this little Hub helped you out at a time when you needed it! Good luck at your new place, and may you have every wonderful thing in your life from now on! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    • profile image

      Cat Lover 4 years ago

      You just made me laugh so much more than I have in a very long time! I have just moved out of a flat I shared with a Narcissist. My tactic was to remove all my pretty decorations from the flat right away, as I thought loss of pretty things would get the message over quicker than waiting for remorse to set in. I laughed and laughed and cried reading this and felt lovely and human again. Thank you.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      Linnea Zandrina, what a great way to cope! Although I wonder if your narc wasn't flattered that you new the whole spill... Ha! Ha! The prentending to sleep is priceless!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting. And continued good luck with your narc!

    • profile image

      Linnea Zandrina 4 years ago

      Im currently in a relationship with a textbook narc and recently when drinking together and he was about to go on his regular 1 hour rant about what a great person/manager he is I stood up and repeated the entire rant word for word as loud as I could with a huge smile on my face...he was confused for about 2min when I finished... wasn't sure the reaction I was gonna get but he was thrilled that I could repeat it.. ha ha. The other thing I do is pretend to fall asleep when he is talking..I like to have fun..:)

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      Drcmuchoo, I am so VERY glad this little Hub was able to lighten your mood and give you a moment of laughter! That's exactly why I wrote it... I was so fed up with mine I was ready to scream, (or worse), and I just had to blow some steam.

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    • profile image

      raggles 4 years ago

      Swedish humour rocks!

    • profile image

      Drcmuchoo 4 years ago

      You made my day! Was just feeling ready to burst with anger due to my hateful narc soon to be ex husband. Driven to tears but then I read this. Laughed so hard. I feel so much better. Need to try these things on him. Every word is so true.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      jray1, I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • jravity1 profile image

      jravity1 4 years ago from bellevue, MI

      that was funny... its good to see someone with same sense of humor.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      lebadev, sorry to see you are so sour toward my attempt at humor. But humor it is, and admittedly not for everyone's taste.

      That being said, thank you for reading.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      Shannon, so glad you enjoyed this!

      Thanks for the comment!

    • profile image

      lebadev 4 years ago

      Funny. Most of you are probably useless sacks of human flesh that deserve no better than the glowing light of your monitors which you frequent or own.

      This post is demeaning. RunAbstract, I suggest you go paint or Author something. Maybe you'd pick up a bit more compassion from the patience it'd teach you.

    • profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago

      "there have been cases when narcissists confronted with too much information about any subject other than themselves, have actually had anxiety attacks, hyper-ventilated, or fell unconscious."

      That made me laugh until I cried, thanks

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 4 years ago from USA

      I know so well how hard it is (at times) to be kind. Glad I could add a bit of humor for you.

      Thanks so much for reading!

    • profile image

      Blueperson 4 years ago

      I've despaired about my girlfriend and her narcissist son. I moved out, and the narcissism behaviour is easier for me to deal with, but even so I still occasionally get caught being forced to listen to his abusive, entitled, self- absorbed meltdowns. Thank you kindly for injecting a shot of humour into this gruesome subject.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 5 years ago from USA

      Chris, thank you so much! And like wise to you!

    • profile image

      Chris 5 years ago

      Thank you so much. That was the tonic I needed. Very funny, excellent observations. May the road rise up to meet you.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 5 years ago from USA

      Elena, thanks so much for reading and commenting! Glad you enjoyed!

    • profile image

      Elena 5 years ago

      AHAHAHA!!!! I am with one now..ugh..but I have mastered not letting him get to me by simply keeping my esteem in tact.. I don't lose focus or.allow him or anyone to have a door open enough to stuff garbage in..but careful to not become a narcissist also unless you know how to act like one with only them..idk..it works beautifully for me! Love your advice.. definitely funny as hec and clever..

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 5 years ago from USA

      some one, okay...?

      K, thank you for your comment to Sheila! I can SO relate to what you wrote.

      Good luck with your narcissist! May peace be the journey!

    • profile image

      5 years ago

      Sheila,

      No, unfortunately, it's not a joke - it wrecks complete and total chaos in everyone's life... BUT for those of us that live 24/7 with a narcissist, trying to help them become productive in life - you HAVE to find a way to laugh, relax & blow off some stream.... or you just end up hating them. I'm at that point right now (it hits about every 6 months when I just can't deal with it anymore!) and something like this bit of humor allows me to relax, reset, and not throw them out of my house/life.

    • profile image

      some one 5 years ago

      Takes one to know one.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 5 years ago from USA

      Sheila, I certainly don't want to be offensive toward anyone with any disorder. I promise that wasn't my intent. This was written with humor to help my own situation with my own personal narcissist. Someone I DO care about, and who drives me stark raving mad at times with the constant self centered, never ending, out of this world, self absorbed, none stop, one ring circus, where no-one else is ever the main attraction.

      I guess I wrote it to preserve my own sanity! I hope you understand...

      I appreciate your visit, and your comment, and I hope you come back soon!

    • profile image

      Sheila 5 years ago

      Really?? Tht z th most outrageous thng i hve heard. Narcissism is not a joke, it is a disorder and most of th suferers are not exactly in control. That bein said, everythng you mentioned is true:(

    • profile image

      Pookie on 5 years ago

      Omg, thanks for some comic relief & strategies to deal with my new room ate, a friend of 15 years and until I moved in haw no clue how nuts things were!

      Berserk a n she is, hoping to look to the funny side of situations as a coping mechanism

      While I work out my exit plan

      , hahaha , great fun glowing garden nomes and skunk glands, hahaha!

    • profile image

      Vicky 5 years ago

      Thank you, I have been researching the dreaded N topic for a couple of years now, after having one as my partner for five years. It is like a breath of fresh airto find a hub like yours which brings some humor to a dark situation. Well done :)

    • Benoitsmidget profile image

      Benoitsmidget 5 years ago from Boston

      This was hysterical! Definitely voted up. Unfortunately, we all know one. Damn brutal!! Great Hub, thanks.

    • RunAbstract profile image
      Author

      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Lene Lynn, I think the "Me Generation" was hiding in the shadows for a very long time. It seems like everyone has a few narrcissists in their lives!

      I'm glad you got a laugh!

    • Lene Lynn profile image

      Lene' Lynn St. John 6 years ago from Glendale, AZ

      It is SO genetic, trust me! I have 2 of them in my family! It was slowly seeping into my conscience that they might be rubbing off on me but I have used my dogged-determination to avoid becoming one of them...:) I love this article, it cracks me up!

    • RunAbstract profile image
      Author

      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      singlmomat52, thanks! I appreciate you coming by, reading and commenting!

    • singlmomat52 profile image

      singlmomat52 6 years ago

      Wow!!! Very interesting theory. Thank you for sharing!!

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      stars439, glad you liked it, and thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!

    • stars439 profile image

      stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

      Very nice hub. Enjoyed it a lot. GBY.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Denny Lyon, thanks so much for dropping by, and I'm very happy you had a good time while you were here!

    • Denny Lyon profile image

      Denny Lyon 6 years ago from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA

      How hilarious! I just knew I was in need of another tool in my anti-narcissist weaponry. From now on I will just fly my Freak Flag! Thanks for a wonderful laugh today. :)

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Kim Lynn, thanks for commenting, but did I mention Uncle Fread's mother-in-law's sister's husband's best friend's brother has a garden gnome for sale that glows in the dark? LOL!

      kimh039, When I was a kid we said someone like that was,"stuck on them self", but I think when it gets to a certain degree of tunnel vision it is a little deeper than self love, or selfishness. I haven't researched it, but I think it may be a disorder. Thanks so much for dropping by!

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 6 years ago

      It is so good to know that others have shared the same experience, and that there's a word for it! Thank you, Run!

    • Kim Lynn profile image

      Kim Lynn 6 years ago

      I am flabbergasted. I don't see anything I would waste my time with here.I don't want to read about other people, I don't care about(everyone). I have always thought,I am the most important person. Take your tips from me. I have seen and done everything I ever dreamed I could do,for myself. I am sure everyone, would rather read about ME! Even so, I-Me-My-Mine Loved it!

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Jeremey, I'm ROTFLMBO!!! Yours has to be one of the funniest and most inventive comments I have ever recieved! Thanks a million!

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      Jeremey 6 years ago from Arizona

      I really wish you wouldn't talk about such things when I'm not around to put my two cents in! I could've advised you of my ways on how to have propertly dealt this situation. Excuse me! Don't stop reading this comment yet I haven't finished what I was saying about my capabilities in giving my advice on, from my point of view, what should have been my hub! How dare you! LOL!

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      vocalcoach, Thank you so much for the glowing comment! It's very nice to see you!

      It's just me, I'm happy you enjoyed! THank you!

      dahoglund, thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it!

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      Humorous take on how to deal with difficult people.Up and funny.

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      It's just me 6 years ago from Alaska

      Wonderfully funny and dementedly true in an off sort of way. Thanks for the great laugh.

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Just about the best hub I have read in a long time! Very funny while being informative. Like a good book - didn't want to put it down. This one is going in my fav's for review and a hearty laugh. Thanks, a bunch RunAbstract.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Minnetonka Twin, I had been through a VERY long day with my personal narcissist 'friend' when I wrote this and was on the verge of screaming bloody murder. I had to let it out somehow! ;) I really do the "what" thing, and completely change the subject without a valid reason, just to watch the reaction! Otherwise at times I would go for the throat I think. (Kidding)

      Anyhow... I am truely glad you liked it, and I appreciate your comment!

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 6 years ago from Minnesota

      I love your great solutions to the narcissist. I had so much fun reading this and know plenty of narcissists to use the tips with. Thanks for the uplift tonite.

    • RunAbstract profile image
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      RunAbstract 6 years ago from USA

      Dim Flaxenwick, wow what a terrific comment! I can't thank you enough!

    • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

      Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

      Hilarious. Thanks for making my day... Don´t we all know at least one person like this. That´s why it´s so funny. It´s true!!!!!!! Well done on a masterpiece. Hee hee, Ah I´m still laughing. Thank you.