How To Get Your Girlfriend To Break Up With You
OR "How to be a jerk; you will never have sex again"
By request of a commenter, this is the alternate title.
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Make Her Leave
Is your girlfriend dumb as a rock?
Is she obsessed with things being clean?
Is her best friend more attractive than her?
Well then, I have your solution! For twelve easy payments and one difficult payment of nine ninety-five, I can tell you how to get your girlfriend to leave you, so that you do not have to deal with the mess of breaking it off with her. Even better yet, I will tell you all of this absolutely free! This guide will start with the easy steps, and end in the most extreme measures. That way, you can build up, and hopefully get rid of her before you have to be come outrageous. Getting rid of an annoying girlfriend is easier than it may seem.
A little history on the article:
When I was a freshman in college, I was taking a writing class. My first paper was "Pirates Vs. Lumber Jacks: Which Is More Manly?" My professor loved it. I then wrote other papers my professor loved, so when our midterm came along, I knew I had to impress him more.
We showed up expecting a test, but instead he handed us a prompt: to write a How-To paper in an hour.
This is what came out.
It's supposed to be a silly joke. No one should actually follow this, however if you do, I bet it will work.
Phase 1: Act Smarter
As we all know, men are smarter than women. Lumberjacks prove this every day. Obviously the easiest thing to do is aggravate her by being excessively intellectual.
There are many ways to do this. Personally, I prefer to use exceptionally big words, usually words that most people do not know off the top of their head. This can be achieved by looking up often used words in a thesaurus. Of course, you do not want to do this in the middle of a conversation because then she will know you are trying to outsmart her. I suggest that you look up words ahead of time, particularly if you know you two will be discussing a particular topic. Also remember to use as many of these words as you can because when people do not know what a word means, they usually use what is called “context clues.” Using context clues is when you listen to the other words in the sentence to try to figure out what the word you do not understand actually means. Many people do this subconsciously. If there are many words that the listener does not comprehend, they get confused and cannot use context clues to figure them out. If they try to, they end up not even hearing what you had to say, which makes them look even more ignorant.
If using big words fails, the only other option for outsmarting her is read up on the chaos theory, and start talking to her about that. You can also try quantum physics. That stuff will blow your mind.
Phase 2: Be Disgusting
So outsmarting her did not work? In that case, we will need to proceed to phase two: being a slob. Many of us already are.
First, we must assume you live with your girlfriend. Being a slob is much easier than outsmarting some women, but I decided to put this as step two, considering the lengths we will go to, including, but not limited to, sacrificing our own happiness.
Start with the kitchen. You should leave food everywhere, and do not clean up after yourself. Make her clean up your mess. If you want to take that a step further, you can tell her “that is a woman’s job,” whenever she complains about your mess.
In the bedroom, leave clothes everywhere – clean and dirty alike. You can even mix them up for good measure so that she ends up having to do more laundry.
In the bathroom, leave we towels laying on the floor, and get toothpaste on the sink. Even I hate that, and I am not a woman.
If you two do not live together, all you have to do is be unkempt. That means do not shave, do not brush your hair, and if you want to go to further lengths, do not shower or brush your teeth either. You can also dirty up the inside of your car by leaving empty soda cans, chip bags, and maybe even fast food residue on the floor.
Take The Poll!
Which Phase Worked For You?
Phase 3: Make Her Friends Hate You
If you have read this far, that means one or both of two things. Either you did not follow my guide correctly, or she really cares about you. Surely with my advice we can break her of that pathetic weakness. Do not give up yet, for I have one final step. With this, you are sure to have her walk out on you in no time.
You have to make her friends hate you.
This time, I am only going to give you a few examples. I want you to be creative with this one. One thing you can do is talk trash about one of the friends to another, and then do the opposite with said other friends. Girls talk a lot, so each thing will get back to the respective friend. You can also trash talk your own girlfriend to these friends. Anything you say will most definitely get back to your girlfriend. If you want to go to even further lengths, tell your girlfriend her friends are lying and you did not actually say anything.
If all else fails and you cannot think of any other ways to anger your girlfriend’s friends, you can always just sleep with her best friend. That is sure to have her packing her bags and walking out on you in no time at all. This may not work after all the trash talking, though.
Say Bye Bye
This entire guide is foolproof. I can guarantee that to you because I have tried and tested all of these on multiple partners at different stages in life, and in every case all steps were proven effective. Your girlfriend should be packing her bags as you read this, if she hasn’t already left, that is. Remember, please no COD’s.
As an after thought, you could always just blast dubstep music. A lot of chicks hate that stuff.