How To Stay Unemployed In 20 Steps Or Less (Humor)
This article is written fully in jest and with only humor and entertainment in mind. In no way does it advocate anyone taking advantage of the government agencies, nor the benefits received. In no way does it reflect my personal efforts to regain an active place in the workforce, nor anyone I am familiar with. So, get off my case and smile a little! You've nothing else to do!
In The Beginning, There Was Unemployment
With the real unemployment rate in a tailspin (unless your view is from Washington, D.C.), many of us are finding ourselves without work for the first time.
As we've made efforts to find new employment, we're finding many obstacles in our way. Primarily, these are the most difficult to overcome:
- Recruitment Agency Software that screens out all potentially good candidates because of not matching the requests of the inexperienced management headhunters,
- recruiting agencies filled with inexperienced management recruiters that have never been a productive part of the workforce (and couldn't recognize good employees if one bit them on their posterior glutes), and
- big business reducing income levels of positions to the point of burger flipping wages.
After endless searches and countless interviews, one simply has to sit back and recognize the benefits of being unemployed. You can sleep in as late as you want for one. There's absolutely no job stress. And, there's virtually no dry cleaning bills for suits and shirts, as you can leave your sweats on for days (although 16 days running makes even the most complacent notice a lingering odor).
Yet, those folks at the unemployment... oops, employment office have requirements that have to be filled. These include periodic reviews that expect to see a certain number of jobs applied for and interviews held.
So, how can you continue the simple life until you've used up all of your unemployment benefits? Here are my top 20 ways to continue your extended vacation!
Huey Lewis & The New "Workin' For A Livin'"
I'd Eat My Briefcase Before I'd Work Here!
Shut Up & See Website
Add Humor When Filling Out New Applications
You have to apply for so many jobs per week, according to the requirements of the state in which you reside. Here's how to do that successfully:
1. List your previous position as "Unemployed Job Hunter."
2. List your goals as "To stay employed long enough to again qualify to receive unemployment checks."
3. List your previous address as "Folsom Prison ...where I once saw Johnny Cash play."
4. List your telephone number as "Unlisted" or "666-666-Hell" (I dare you to call!)
5. List all reasons for leavings as "Too Many Jerks, Didn't Allow Weapons At Work, Anger Control Issues, Arrest Record Discovered."
6. List all previous supervisors as "Jerk #1, Jerk #2, Jerk #3, etc."
7. List type of work wanted as "Part Time" and salary expectations as "$100,000 +"
8. Check all boxes under marital status (Single, Married, Divorce) and write "previously Mormon, now Satanist" out to the side.
9. Under hobbies or interests, list "Shootin' assault rifles at jerks, blowin' up outhouses, peakin' in my neighbors bedroom window and watchin' "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
10. Under military experience, check all on list and write out to the side, "I really miss killing people. I love the feel of a smoking rifle barrel against my cheek. I really miss killing people. Really, I miss killing people."
Bing Crosby "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?
Proper Interview Attire
Wrestle For Job
Job Interview Coaching When Interviewing For Positions You Don't Want
If you somehow do end up with an interview with a company you have no desire to be a part of, simply follow these suggestions and you'll probably walk away a free person.
11. Start off interview by apologizing if you act strange, as your Prosaic prescription ran out last week and you haven't had the money to refill it.
12. Keep wiping your nose and top front teeth with your finger, act nervous, and ask up front if drug testing is mandatory for employment.
13. Dress for the interview. Flip-flops, cut off jeans, ripped T-shirts, will usually do the job for guys. Females need to wear maternity clothes and ask, "I'm not showing much am I? Can you tell?"
14. Dispose of all manners. One way to accomplish this is by eating a can of pork and beans the night before. If this is successful, you'll be able to let loose several times, slap your knee, and say, "Sure smells like a opossum died in here" without lying, and provide you with humor for the moment. Cabbage will generally work, also.
15. Be sure not to shower for three days in advance of interview. Then, work out vigorously before going to interview. Sit down and state, "Boy, I'll be happy when the water gets turned back on. Ain't even worth usin' deodorant, anymore."
16. Pull out a pocket knife and start cleaning the toe jam out of your big toe. Shake it viciously until it disappears from the blade. Then, peer all over the interviewer's desk and say a simple, "Sorry. I don't see it right now. Maybe you'll find it later."
17. Periodically scratch your crotch until you finally interrupt the interviewer asking, "How long until the medical insurance kicks in?"
18. Make sure all tattoos are in full display. If you don't have any tattoos, buy some temporary ones. "Good/ Evil" knuckles usually work, but a "Born To Kill" can be added for more intensity.
19. Ask to go to the bathroom. Take a roll of toilet tissue and shove it in the commode. Flush repeatedly until it creates an overflow situation. Return and inform the interviewer that the bathroom's out of order and overflowing. Then say something like, "It's amazing the affect fried canned dog food has on your system."
20. When asked about your abilities to handle the position, say, "I can do anything you can. I mean, if you're interviewing for the job, you've obviously done it... right? No? But how can you decide if I can do it or not if you've never done it?" This will generally create a hostility. Continue to ask him about what he or she has done while employed there. Continually minimize their ability to select proper candidates. Before long, the interviewer will have had enough and end the interview, ripping up your application as you leave.
The Silhouettes "Get A Job"
And you thought it'd never end...
In an election year, politicians will continue to fib about the real unemployment rate. Take full advantage of your unemployment benefits and don't be afraid to take any job interview tests offered. Job interview testing can decrease your chances of finding yourself in a position needing the above advice. Also, it can reduce the chances of your being turned down because of the recruitment agency software used today.
The time will come when unemployment benefits will run out. Keep this in mind when applying for positions. The job market is such that if you find an available interview for a desired position, it is best to ignore all of the above and do your best to get the job. Otherwise,
"Enjoy The Vacation!"
My Inspiration Came From
A very good friend of mine, Terrye Toombs, and I were talking the other day about life and such. Being the product of the times, I had to leave for a visit at the good old employment office. It was at that time she mentioned how I should do an article on my experiences. I had once tried to do that, but my own personal dissatisfaction with my current employment status hindered my ability to see the humor. With TT in mind, I started looking at things in a different light and wrote this little tidbit. So, TT, this one's for you (and please tell hubby we're only friends, before he runs a tractor over my ___)!
Check Out Another Humorous Article Written On Job Interviewing!
- Statements You Probably Shouldn't Make at a Job Interview
If you are going for a new job, you don't want to mess up the interview. Check out this list of statements you probably shouldn't make at a job interview.
Please Answer The Following Two Questions
I Am Currently
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Average White Band "Work To Do"
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