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How To Stay Unemployed In 20 Steps Or Less (Humor)

Updated on December 4, 2012
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Disclaimer:

This article is written fully in jest and with only humor and entertainment in mind. In no way does it advocate anyone taking advantage of the government agencies, nor the benefits received. In no way does it reflect my personal efforts to regain an active place in the workforce, nor anyone I am familiar with. So, get off my case and smile a little! You've nothing else to do!

Take your tie off.  The recruiters are playing games with you life.  It's going to be weeks before something worth having comes up, so relax and enjoy life!
Take your tie off. The recruiters are playing games with you life. It's going to be weeks before something worth having comes up, so relax and enjoy life! | Source

In The Beginning, There Was Unemployment

With the real unemployment rate in a tailspin (unless your view is from Washington, D.C.), many of us are finding ourselves without work for the first time.

As we've made efforts to find new employment, we're finding many obstacles in our way. Primarily, these are the most difficult to overcome:

  1. Recruitment Agency Software that screens out all potentially good candidates because of not matching the requests of the inexperienced management headhunters,
  2. recruiting agencies filled with inexperienced management recruiters that have never been a productive part of the workforce (and couldn't recognize good employees if one bit them on their posterior glutes), and
  3. big business reducing income levels of positions to the point of burger flipping wages.

After endless searches and countless interviews, one simply has to sit back and recognize the benefits of being unemployed. You can sleep in as late as you want for one. There's absolutely no job stress. And, there's virtually no dry cleaning bills for suits and shirts, as you can leave your sweats on for days (although 16 days running makes even the most complacent notice a lingering odor).

Yet, those folks at the unemployment... oops, employment office have requirements that have to be filled. These include periodic reviews that expect to see a certain number of jobs applied for and interviews held.

So, how can you continue the simple life until you've used up all of your unemployment benefits? Here are my top 20 ways to continue your extended vacation!

Huey Lewis & The New "Workin' For A Livin'"

I'd Eat My Briefcase Before I'd Work Here!

No need to fret when filling out applications.  You're submitting them to meet the government's requirements.  Remember, you don't want these jobs anyway, but you have to apply for something.  Enjoy yourself!
No need to fret when filling out applications. You're submitting them to meet the government's requirements. Remember, you don't want these jobs anyway, but you have to apply for something. Enjoy yourself! | Source

Shut Up & See Website

You might as well put down the phone and stop calling.  All you're going to hear is, "See our website for all current openings."  You're not going to get to talk to a person of importance, so stop wasting your time!"
You might as well put down the phone and stop calling. All you're going to hear is, "See our website for all current openings." You're not going to get to talk to a person of importance, so stop wasting your time!" | Source

Job Violence

Be careful when listing #10.  If you're applying to a Soldier of Fortune ad, it may end up getting you the job.  Then, you'll wish you were flipping burgers!
Be careful when listing #10. If you're applying to a Soldier of Fortune ad, it may end up getting you the job. Then, you'll wish you were flipping burgers! | Source

Add Humor When Filling Out New Applications

You have to apply for so many jobs per week, according to the requirements of the state in which you reside. Here's how to do that successfully:

1. List your previous position as "Unemployed Job Hunter."

2. List your goals as "To stay employed long enough to again qualify to receive unemployment checks."

3. List your previous address as "Folsom Prison ...where I once saw Johnny Cash play."

4. List your telephone number as "Unlisted" or "666-666-Hell" (I dare you to call!)

5. List all reasons for leavings as "Too Many Jerks, Didn't Allow Weapons At Work, Anger Control Issues, Arrest Record Discovered."

6. List all previous supervisors as "Jerk #1, Jerk #2, Jerk #3, etc."

7. List type of work wanted as "Part Time" and salary expectations as "$100,000 +"

8. Check all boxes under marital status (Single, Married, Divorce) and write "previously Mormon, now Satanist" out to the side.

9. Under hobbies or interests, list "Shootin' assault rifles at jerks, blowin' up outhouses, peakin' in my neighbors bedroom window and watchin' "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."

10. Under military experience, check all on list and write out to the side, "I really miss killing people. I love the feel of a smoking rifle barrel against my cheek. I really miss killing people. Really, I miss killing people."

Bing Crosby "Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

Proper Interview Attire

Warning:  If you're in great shape, this look may get you the job!   However, it works particularlly well if you're 5'6" and 300 lbs.  Being excessively hairy also gets the tremendous results you really want!
Warning: If you're in great shape, this look may get you the job! However, it works particularlly well if you're 5'6" and 300 lbs. Being excessively hairy also gets the tremendous results you really want! | Source

Pregnancy Excuses

Ladies:  Offering to let the interviewer see how your breasts are filling up with milk in expectations of the child is a nice touch, even if you're not pregant.  You can also ask the interviewer if they're interested in seeing your C Section scar!
Ladies: Offering to let the interviewer see how your breasts are filling up with milk in expectations of the child is a nice touch, even if you're not pregant. You can also ask the interviewer if they're interested in seeing your C Section scar! | Source

Replacement Costs

The "Elton John" look will help you, especially if you're applying at a hamburger joint.  Simply tell them that the glasses are prescription, and that if you get any grease on them they'll be responsible for the replacement value.
The "Elton John" look will help you, especially if you're applying at a hamburger joint. Simply tell them that the glasses are prescription, and that if you get any grease on them they'll be responsible for the replacement value. | Source

Wrestle For Job

Offering to wrestle the wimp behind the desk for the job is another way to ensure you don't get the job.  If he says, "Sure" to your offer, just don't win, in any case!
Offering to wrestle the wimp behind the desk for the job is another way to ensure you don't get the job. If he says, "Sure" to your offer, just don't win, in any case! | Source

Job Interview Coaching When Interviewing For Positions You Don't Want

If you somehow do end up with an interview with a company you have no desire to be a part of, simply follow these suggestions and you'll probably walk away a free person.

11. Start off interview by apologizing if you act strange, as your Prosaic prescription ran out last week and you haven't had the money to refill it.

12. Keep wiping your nose and top front teeth with your finger, act nervous, and ask up front if drug testing is mandatory for employment.

13. Dress for the interview. Flip-flops, cut off jeans, ripped T-shirts, will usually do the job for guys. Females need to wear maternity clothes and ask, "I'm not showing much am I? Can you tell?"

14. Dispose of all manners. One way to accomplish this is by eating a can of pork and beans the night before. If this is successful, you'll be able to let loose several times, slap your knee, and say, "Sure smells like a opossum died in here" without lying, and provide you with humor for the moment. Cabbage will generally work, also.

15. Be sure not to shower for three days in advance of interview. Then, work out vigorously before going to interview. Sit down and state, "Boy, I'll be happy when the water gets turned back on. Ain't even worth usin' deodorant, anymore."

16. Pull out a pocket knife and start cleaning the toe jam out of your big toe. Shake it viciously until it disappears from the blade. Then, peer all over the interviewer's desk and say a simple, "Sorry. I don't see it right now. Maybe you'll find it later."

17. Periodically scratch your crotch until you finally interrupt the interviewer asking, "How long until the medical insurance kicks in?"

18. Make sure all tattoos are in full display. If you don't have any tattoos, buy some temporary ones. "Good/ Evil" knuckles usually work, but a "Born To Kill" can be added for more intensity.

19. Ask to go to the bathroom. Take a roll of toilet tissue and shove it in the commode. Flush repeatedly until it creates an overflow situation. Return and inform the interviewer that the bathroom's out of order and overflowing. Then say something like, "It's amazing the affect fried canned dog food has on your system."

20. When asked about your abilities to handle the position, say, "I can do anything you can. I mean, if you're interviewing for the job, you've obviously done it... right? No? But how can you decide if I can do it or not if you've never done it?" This will generally create a hostility. Continue to ask him about what he or she has done while employed there. Continually minimize their ability to select proper candidates. Before long, the interviewer will have had enough and end the interview, ripping up your application as you leave.

The Silhouettes "Get A Job"

Enjoy It While You Can!
Enjoy It While You Can! | Source

And you thought it'd never end...

In an election year, politicians will continue to fib about the real unemployment rate. Take full advantage of your unemployment benefits and don't be afraid to take any job interview tests offered. Job interview testing can decrease your chances of finding yourself in a position needing the above advice. Also, it can reduce the chances of your being turned down because of the recruitment agency software used today.

The time will come when unemployment benefits will run out. Keep this in mind when applying for positions. The job market is such that if you find an available interview for a desired position, it is best to ignore all of the above and do your best to get the job. Otherwise,

"Enjoy The Vacation!"

My Inspiration Came From

A very good friend of mine, Terrye Toombs, and I were talking the other day about life and such. Being the product of the times, I had to leave for a visit at the good old employment office. It was at that time she mentioned how I should do an article on my experiences. I had once tried to do that, but my own personal dissatisfaction with my current employment status hindered my ability to see the humor. With TT in mind, I started looking at things in a different light and wrote this little tidbit. So, TT, this one's for you (and please tell hubby we're only friends, before he runs a tractor over my ___)!

Please Answer The Following Two Questions

I Am Currently

See results

I'm currently

See results


┬ęCopyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved

Average White Band "Work To Do"

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    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      GREAT job (pun intended), RC! Loved it and thank you for the shout out. I voted up and more. Shared on: Chime, Scoop, Snip, Pin, Twitter & Facebook. If you don't get at least 1 view, I'll be surprised. :) Oh yeah, and on my paper. lol

      Seriously, you did an excellent job, I loved all the excuses, especially the ones related to being pregnant. And no, you can't see my cleavage! :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Terrye -

      I did as demanded, oh wise one! lol Even looked at my notes to make sure I followed what I can do at this point!

      I'm glad you liked it! I woke up last night able to see for the first time in days (now you know why I have been absent on FB and HP). Sat down and wrote it in a couple of hours. And you're still trying like anything to get me in trouble with your husband, I see! lol

      Thanks for everything! Much appreciated!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      RC, he's revving up the tractor as we speak. He'll be in your neighborhood in 5 - 7 business days, depending on weather. :)

      Very glad yah can finally see. I guess you shouldn't'a sassed yer wife an' gotten that ole fryin' pan upside yer head, huh? :) See what a sassy mouth will get yah?

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      TT, tell him ahm goin' ta Alabamy ta see a football game, en don't kno' when ah'll be back. He might wanna save tha gas for tha crops, since muh Ridgeline might be jes a little faster goin' down tha road. Tha pan didn't hurt much, least afta I woke up. Gotta say, didn't see it comin'. So much fer tellin' her ta stand up higher since muh back hurt en ah cud only bend so far over to squeeze wha' gravity's been dropping down fer a few years! En ah thought she luved me! Sumtimes ya jes never kno'. Talk atcha later! : )

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      Ok, if I don't want to work I know which hub to read! Thanks for the humor this evening Richard! Socially shared!

    • Suzie HQ profile image

      Suzanne Ridgeway 4 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Hi RC,

      What a great idea this hub was! Laughed all the way through thinking" How I would love to do that!!"

      TT's idea was a great one, well done Terrye. I loved all your reasons particularly no.11 - can you imagine apologising for being off your prosaic!! Your application form was excellent, oh how I wish!!!

      voted up+++++ and shared, super humor here!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Michelle -

      I'm not sure how unemployment works in Asia, so, before you do anything rash be sure to check it out first! : ) Good to see you this morning! It's good to see you smile! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Suzie HQ -

      So good to see you here!

      I'll definitely give Terrye the credit for the idea, and for an attitude change! It's nice to see a smile this morning from all the way across the big pond! lol Thanks so much for commenting! Much Appreciated!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      LOL whooooooooooo, you may have done it now ---------as billybuc says, cause laughter. I can actually relate to #6, if I were to be very honest, but thankfully I have had the same job for 18 years (at the moment), and the previous job 10 years. Wow, Average White Bank, I have almost forgotten about them, you went digging for this one. In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Richard, where were you before my unemployment benefits did indeed run out!! Seriously loved this humorous take on this not so humorous situation. I lost my position teaching back in late 2010 and you are right about the state of the economy right now and jobs in my field are few and far between right now. So I could totally relate to the topic of unemployment here. Thanks for writing this, because reading this made me at least feel I am not completely alone in being unemployed and over-educated/qualified for many positions. Have voted, shared and tweeted too!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Faith Reaper -

      Good to see you this morning!

      I'm happy you got a giggle out of this. Actually, AVB was the first of all the artists I thought of when I was choosing the music. If I could have changed Huey Lewis & the News' words to "I Want A New Job" (instead of drug) I would've gone that direction! : )

      Thanks for commenting! Many Thanks!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Some great tips Richard. I'll be sure and share this with my unemployed friends. Lol

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Janine -

      So good to have you stop in!

      It's not a good situation, but if we don't smile over it, we'll lose our sanity. There's only so much one can do, so why not do it and then relax a little? lol

      Really appreciate your commenting! Many Thanks!

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      LoL, now that would have been perfect! Thanks for waking me up with the eye-popping photo right from the get-go! Whoa. Off to work now. In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      FR -

      Be safe and keep the smile going!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Linda -

      Good morning!

      Please do. Hopefully, they can enjoy and relax a little! Good to see you smile!

      Thanks for stopping in! Much Appreciated!

    • profile image

      ignugent17 4 years ago

      Rich,

      Sorry you are overqualified . Come back next century hahaha! It is true that sometimes yo are already used to be unemployed that going back to work is not exciting anymore. But job is still very important.

      Thanks for sharing this funny hub.

      Have a good day!

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 4 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      This is really awesome! I actually believe someone interviewed at my office once who might have taken this advice. Her strategy was staring straight ahead, barely talking, and creeping all of us out. It worked. We never called her back!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Meldz -

      Good Morning!

      I've been told that before. I'd applied for a job at a call center (having trained people for them nationwide and had written a training manual on the topic), and didn't even get an interview. When I emailed to inquire why, that was the response I received. C'est le vie! lol

      Thanks for stopping in! Much appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Jeannie -

      Thanks so much for coming by! I loved your hub on the interviews! Hope people will check it out at the provided link!

      If the lady would have added, "Excuse me, I'm hearing voices talk to me. Give me a second and they'll be done" that might have worked even faster! lol

      I appreciate the commenting! Many Thanks!

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      Now, we finally get to see your photo! That is YOU, isn't it posing for your own Hub???

      This was a really funny Hub: I enjoyed the read.

      I voted it UP, etc.

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      Ok, that photo at the top is scary enough to keep anyone out of a job!! This article is hilarious .... Hahaha.... See I am still laughing! Some great advice for extending your vacation time! Loved the filling out the new application section..... Previously Mormon, now satanic .... ROFL!! No offense...... !

      Voting up and everything .......

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      Hahahaha @ Mary, good one!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Mary -

      Good morning!

      I have to answer with a "sorry" but that's not me. I got the image from the link below! lol Besides, I've changed my profile picture so you can see me now, as sad as that is for some who view it! lol

      Really happy you enjoyed this! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      LaThing -

      So good to see you smiling today!

      I thought that image would stay in a person's head for a while... and drive them crazy! lol When I found it I knew I had the opening photo! No offense taken... just remember whom you're dealing with now! lol

      Really happy you came by! Much Appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Ha... ha... ha... see, I can take a joke! Grrrrrrrr

      lol

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

      I almost spit my coffee out when I saw the belly pic at the top. Very funny. Loving the jerk 1, 2 & 3. I have one old boss who was the ultimate jerk. Funny funny hub! Made my morning.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Gimmer -

      Easy on the coffee! lol

      When I found that picture I knew it was going to be the lead. Grossed me out too! lol So happy you enjoyed this!

      Thanks for stopping in! Much appreciated!

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 4 years ago from USA

      LOL...I think I know that guy in the photo... Love the hub, and all your great suggestions. Now if I could have read it while I was still in the workforce, I could have had a few nice long vacations!

      My brother once responded to the question, "What are your goals for the next 3-5 years?" on a job application with the witty remark, "I want your job." He didn't get an interview!

    • hecate-horus profile image

      hecate-horus 4 years ago from Rowland Woods

      "Jerk #1,#2,#3" LOL. This was a great hub! I'm sharing and voting up. Also, I love the pictures and videos you chose (although the first picture made me want to wash my eyes out with bleach) :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Stephanie -

      So good to see you!

      You're a brave woman to admit that! lol I saw that picture and knew it was perfect for the hub! lol Happy to make you smile this morning!

      Appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      hecate-horus -

      Thanks for stopping by!

      My eyes are still burning from the bleach.. Here, I saved a little for you! lol Glad this made you laugh this morning!

      Thanks for the votes and comments! Much Appreciated!

    • Rosyel Sawali profile image

      Rosyel Sawali 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      LOL, Rich! I always enjoy reading your hubs! The funny ones really make me laugh ^_^ Thanks for this one! I needed a good laugh just about now and this is it!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rosyel -

      So nice to see you today!

      I do hope this made your day a little better! You look so much better when you smile! : )

      Keep the laughter going and relax! Many Thanks!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Rich, I honestly don't know what was funnier, your writing or the pictures. That first picture had me cringing and howling all at the same time....what a train wreck!

      Great job buddy!

    • janshares profile image

      Janis Leslie Evans 4 years ago from Washington, DC

      Crazy funny, ridiculous! The opening pic, hilarious!!! Can't stop chuckling. You are sick. I hope that's not you, don't wanna know, tmi!

      Ups and funny!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Bill,

      Thanks for stopping by, my friend!

      I found the first photo and knew it had found a home as my lead in! lol Seemed to fit the comedy perfectly!

      Appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Janis -

      So nice of you to stop in!

      I thought you needed a smile this morning. Glad I could oblige! : ) I'll take the "You are sick" comment as a compliment! lol And, no, it's not me, it's my wife! (okay dear, I'll tell her it's not you... yes, dear, I love you too)

      Thanks for stopping by! Keep the smile going!

    • janshares profile image

      Janis Leslie Evans 4 years ago from Washington, DC

      LMAO OUTLOUD!!! I can't take anymore, thanks for the laugh. LOL, LOL, LOL, LOL!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Janis -

      Keep it going! You look much better smiling! : )

    • CloudExplorer profile image

      Mike Pugh 4 years ago from New York City

      Holy cow balls batman, you just made me laugh for over five minutes of reading this, yikes, and I'm a slow reader RC, wow!

      This was truly an awesome super funny hubs, and I hope it earns you the funniest hub award for the next year the Hubbie awards comes around, because you authentically deserve it, because of all the reverse psychology word play that you've loaded up into this hub here, and its oh so hilarious indeed.

      I am currently self employed, and I have some very weak paying clients, I quit my day job a while back, I wear them sweat pants you spoke about, but I need my showers and soap though LOL. Man oh man you blew the rim off the hinges here, and I loved the last paragraph with TT in it, I hope her husband doesn't mow your ass, because then we won't get to read any more of these super cool hubs of yours.

      It was Smoking!!!!! Thumbs up and out! bro

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Mike -

      Thanks so much for stopping by!

      I gotta say, your comments have not only humbled me, but sent me into a state of shock. My wife's trying to give me mouth to mouth, but we've been married so long I think I prefer the state of shock instead! lol I really appreciate your comments, to say the least.

      Much appreciated everything, big guy! Many Thanks!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      OMG! Ok I have a habit of waking up and drinking my java while I read some hubs. So my first bleary eyes vision was your caption picture! For a second I was thinking "who is THAT? What did I do last night?!!"

      Hahahaha

      I don't have a real job by choice I guess. I used to be a stay at home mom bc the kids were here...now they are in middle school but I don't see much point in getting a new job. People would eventually make me annoyed and I'd hate going there. So I'll just chill...and read hubs:) lol

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      RealHousewife -

      Thanks so much for stopping by!

      1st - great interview in the Hubpages spotlight. Truly enjoyed it! You've got to be more careful with your evenings if the picture brought that to mind! lol So happy you enjoyed this hub!

      Much appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Good one, Rich! I love your sense of humor. Unemployment isn't funny, but you might as well find the humor in it. And that you did!

      BTW, disgusting man at the forefront! Ugh!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Shauna -

      Thanks so much for coming by!

      Glad the hub could get you smiling! It has well served its purpose, as had the first photo! lol (btw, there's a dedication for you in my latest newscast)

      Thanks for commenting! Much appreciated!

    • Wesley Meacham profile image

      Wesley Meacham 4 years ago from Wuhan, China

      I actually know someone who has done this.

      Well... not exactly the way you describe. But I do have a friend who after he was terminated from a job a few years back began receiving unemployment and decided to milk it for a while. At least once he has gone back to work just long enough to reset the the system and then purposely got himself fired again. I don't know what he is doing now. He may have a legit job at the moment but as I recall he was able to coast for about two years on unemployment.

      I'm not sure if his interview tactics were as entertaining as the ones you descibe here. I enjoyed reading this. I also love the picture you chose for the top. That is an eye catcher if I've ever seen one. Actually, it is a very good choice because it is the main reason that I read the hub.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Wesley -

      It's a pleasure to meet you!

      I know most on unemployment are doing their best to get back to work. Regardless of what many may believe, it's definitely hard to survive when you're accustomed to much more. It's sad folks milk the system as you described. I wrote this purely for entertainment. I would hope no one uses this as a guide. They may be in for quite a surprise! lol And, yes, as soon as I found the picture, I knew it was going to be and attention getter. Perfect for a comedy hub! : )

      Thanks so much for coming by and commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the read! Many Thanks!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 4 years ago from United States

      I guess I missed this one the first time around but glad I caught it now as it is so funny. Loved all the great excuses. this hub was a great idea.

    • Your Cousins profile image

      Your Cousins 4 years ago from Atlanta, GA

      Up and Funny! I especially like the Hawaiian look for job searching.

    • mejohnson profile image

      mejohnson 4 years ago

      Loved #6 & 12. Very funny. Voted up.

    • Mama Kim 8 profile image

      Sasha Kim 4 years ago

      So Funny! I'm sad I haven't come around and read your hubs sooner! ^_^ I'm now a loyal follower... You can' t have too much humor in life. Thank you! Voted and shared!

    • profile image

      Larry Wall 4 years ago

      Very funny, but unfortunately, some of those things actually happen. I was called for a job interview. They had pulled my resume off a job board. I was told to dress professionally. I hate hearing that. If someone shows up for an interview inappropriately dressed, he is toast. In this case the person who was interviewing me, had visible tattoos showing up her entire left arm. I do not consider tattoos professional. When I explain a situation that may present a conflict, she blew up and said that was unacceptable and started leading me to the door and said "when you get your life together, come back." I was explaining that I have a legally blind son, who cannot see, but sees several doctors and my wife is taking care of her mother who has Alzheimer 's disease, so I may have to miss an hour or two once every few months. I was trying to be honest. In that case, honesty was not the best policy, but I did not want the job, so it all worked out.

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

      I knew a woman once who was trying not to be hired and she was really hilarious. Her fingernails where so long they curled around, she painted some of her teeth dark, died her hair bright red and dressed like a hooker. I am surprised she wasn't hired by someone!

      You might want to start walking some.*

      Great laughs. Great hub!

    • profile image

      Sueswan 4 years ago

      Hi Richard,

      "Sure smells like a opossum died in here" ROFL

      If your suggestions do not keep some one unemployed then heaven help them. ;-)

      Vote up across the board

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      LOL it was tough to get past that top photo! You have a funny way of writing and it's a good one

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Pamela -

      Great to see you!

      I just put this out this morning, so you're right on time! So pleased you liked it!

      Thanks so much for commenting! Much appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Your Cousins -

      So nice to meet you!

      I'm glad you liked this! It's good to see you smiling!

      You comments are much appreciated! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      mejohnson -

      So good to see you!

      Those are a couple of my favorites, too! But, I'm not supposed to have favorites, am I? : )

      So happy you enjoyed this! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Sasha -

      Really good to meet you!

      I'm happy you enjoyed this little thing! It's great to have you along for the ride!

      Thanks so much for commenting! Much appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Larry,

      Really good to see you, my friend!

      Some of the people interviewing are absolute jokes. I used to teach interview techniques. Most have no more technique than asking 40 pre-printed questions. Major Tom to Ground Control.... let's get it together!

      I appreciate your comments! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
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      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Jackie -

      So good to have you visit!

      She should've tried the car business. They'd have hired her in a second! lol And, no, that's not a personal photo. lol Close, but not original! : )

      I'm happy you enjoyed this! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Sue -

      Good to see you!

      It's good to see you smiling! Who knows? With the quality of recruiters and interviewers these days, I may have just written "How to Get a Job in Today's Job Market!" lol

      So happy you liked this! Many Thanks!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Rich, I'm so far behind in my HubMail! I'll have to check it out! Thank you in advance (I think!)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Christy,

      So good to see you tonight!

      It is an attention grabber, isn't it? lol I'm happy you liked this!

      Thanks for the comments and compliment! Much appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Shauna -

      Take your time! I think it's what you wanted!

      : )

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Yep, I danced my ass off with a smile on my face! Thank you for bringing me back to me, Rich! Honky tonka tonk and a foot stomping' thonk and I'm dayncin' my blu-ooses awaay!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Shauna,

      No problem! Happy I could be of assistance!

      Many Thanks!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      I don't know how I haven't seen your hubs until now. This is HILARIOUS! I especially love the reasons why I left my last job and the part about watching Honey Boo Boo. Thanks for the great laugh.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Tammy-

      So good of you to stop in!

      I'm one of those hidden secrets. lol Good to have you with me! I'm really happy you liked this!

      Thanks for smiling! I makes it all worth while!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

      Every single one of these is going on my CV! lol! love number 12! haha! thanks for the laugh, gotta remember these, must remember.....!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Nell -

      So nice to see you this evening!

      Really happy you enjoyed this! I can make you a short list if you'd like to sneak a peak every now and then! lol

      Thanks for commenting! Much appreciated!

    • CZCZCZ profile image

      CZCZCZ 4 years ago from Oregon

      Enjoyed reading through this list was good humor, thanks for putting it together. Unfortunately I know several people including a cousin that is actually looking for ways and reasons to stay unemployed versus getting a job even though it may not be the dream job, cash coming in is a good thing.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      CZCZCZ -

      Good to have you stop in!

      Glad you enjoyed the hub! I know several that have done the same thing. Not my thing, but if that's all they want out of life, that's all they'll get. Sad, but true.

      Appreciate you commenting! Many Thanks!

    • Christine Miranda profile image

      Christine Miranda 4 years ago from My office.

      Baahaahaa! Love it. Voted up & more!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Christine -

      Good to see you!

      I'm happy you enjoyed this! Thanks so much for the votes and all!

      Much appreciated!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      rcrumple.....OMG! If I didn't like you so much and absolutely love your funny, crazy hubs....I'd tell you that top picture is so gross and disgusting.....yuk.....THAT is enough to send even a woman with a 35 IQ to go running!! OH dear....just the thought of ever having to see THAT sitting in my living room!! rcrumple....yer plumb crazy.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      So good to have a woman with a 34 1/2 IQ visiting! lol

      I just wanted a picture that most women could relate to! Actually, as soon as I saw it I knew it had an immediate home on this hub. It just seemed appropriate! lol

      Really good to see your comments! Glad you like it!

    • jezebellamina profile image

      Jessica 4 years ago from Dallas, TX

      Thanks so much for a laugh! Being unemployed was no fun, but compared to being self employed now; at least then I didn't have a crazy, demanding bitch of a boss...!

    • profile image

      KDuBarry03 4 years ago

      I should have done this when I started at Wawa haha! I think I actually would've gottent he job anyway! LOL

      Very funny, as always, Rich!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Thanks for this. I had some very interesting jobs since I left that oil company. salaries ranged from $8.50 to $40.00 an hour.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      jezebellamina -

      Thanks for stopping in!

      Unemployment is never fun, unless you have no goals in life. Unfortunately, there are some that fit that category. Some folks should never be promoted, that's for sure. I've had several that fit that category, including my last.

      Thanks so much for coming by and commenting! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Keith -

      Good to see you sir!

      I'm sure they could see through the false facade if you'd of put one on. Quality always shines, even though some interviewers are blind to it! lol

      I appreciate your comments! Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Mh-

      Good to see you, sir!

      My last position was good paying, but demanding. I'd start at 6 a.m., and not get done until after 9 p.m. each night for six days a week. Then, I was on call Sundays. Simply was more than my health could take after 11 months. Been tough since.

      Thanks for stopping in! Much appreciated!

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

      You have a wonderful writing style. This is funny and interesting.

      Have a great weekend.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Ah BEG yer dang pardon!!! That is a 34 and 3 quarters, IQ!!! and don't you fergit it!!!!!!!!!!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Vinaya -

      Thanks for stopping in!

      I sincerely appreciate the compliments. I just try to write as if I was sitting beside you having a conversation.

      Many Thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Ah waz gonna say 34 99/100's, but ah figured no mattar wha' ah said it waz gonna be wrong! Never argue with a dadburned woman! lol

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      well...OK...yer disgustin, but yer smart too!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Mama didn't raise no fool. I was adopted at 17.

      Have a great one!

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi RC... great write here and one that brought on a few laughs... over the years I have held many positions where I have been appointed to do the hiring. It is without a doubt some people need coaching. I recall one last year that came to be interview for a key position dealing with the public. It was the longest interview I think I have had the privilege of conducting. Each question she answered was accompanied by several load snaps of her gum chewing. Not the right girl for the job. In the end she asked why she did not get the job. LOL...

      Hugs from The West

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rolly -

      Good to have you visit!

      I know the feeling only too well. I did the interviewing and training for years at several places of employment. People would continuously come in wearing t-shirts, shorts and flip-flops wanting a professional sales position. They simply had no concept of what "professional appearance requested" in the Want Ad meant. What's scary is that some of these same individuals are probably working as recruiters as we speak! lol

      Thanks so much for stopping in! Much appreciated!

    • Julie DeNeen profile image

      Blurter of Indiscretions 4 years ago from Clinton CT

      It's taken me days to read this because I couldn't get past that photo! OMG!!!! But it was very funny :)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Julie -

      Good to see you!

      It is an attention getter, isn't it! lol Thought it fit the hub well. : ) Good to see you smile!

      Thanks for the comments and compliment! Much appreciated!

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primi─ç 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Truly amazing!!! Thanks for the output of this Hub hilarious voted up!!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      DDE -

      Good to see you again!

      Just a little something to hopefully help people to smile! Glad you enjoyed.

      Thanks for the compliments!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 4 years ago from South Africa

      Loved this really! But how the hell did you manage to get my photo? That one at the top I mean? Gotta talk to my agent.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Tony -

      It's amazing what pets will do for a little food at times! Either that or your agent is selling it to photo warehouses! lol

      Glad you enjoyed this! Just attempting to share a little humor in times that could definitely be better.

      Thanks for commenting! Much Appreciated!

    • RobinGrosswirth23 profile image

      Robin Grosswirth 4 years ago from New York

      What a great hub! You turned a horrific situation into one of humor and in times like this, well, that is wonderful.

      It saddens me that so many good people who have made important contributions to society are now out of work. So many positions have been collapsed.

      Anyway, this was a breath of fresh air, to laugh rather than cry.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Robin -

      So happy you stopped in!

      Our nation is enduring hard times while CEO's get millions in separation pay and laughing all the way to the bank. It's a sad state that greed has led the U.S. Hopefully, something will occur to change all of that. Yet, we can't be depressed! Laughter is always the best medicine, at least for a little while!

      I appreciate your comments! Many Thanks!

    • rickzimmerman profile image

      rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Hey, rc! Great piece! Considering your viewpoint, you might like my 'How to Enjoy Paying Taxes' or 'Be President'. Regards, Rick

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rick -

      Nice to meet you, sir!

      I'll stop by and give those a look sometime. Glad you liked this piece!

      Appreciated you stopping in! Many Thanks!

    • rickzimmerman profile image

      rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      RC: keep the good stuff coming. Regards, Rick

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Thank you, Rick. Will do my best!

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 4 years ago from London, UK

      ~This was hilarious to read. You'd be surprised though, there might be the odd one or two employers that will still want to give any nut who does these 20 steps, a chance. :-)

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Lady E -

      Good to see you here!

      I'm glad you enjoyed this. That's always a possibility. I hear the Federal Government is hiring again! lol These are generally the type of people you find with government jobs for life. : )

      I appreciate you commenting! Many Thanks!

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

      this was hilarious rick. Seriously, if the economy was good, I would have opted for some of the above described methods...lol

      unfortunately, the economy and inflation does not give us much chance :(

      voted up as creative and interesting and awesome

      sharing it across!

    • Jordanwalker39 profile image

      Jordanwalker39 4 years ago from GA

      This was hilarious! I loved the read!!

    • spartucusjones profile image

      CJ Baker 4 years ago from Parts Unknown

      Thank you for the helpful tips. Once I become unemployed I will be able to apply your tips. This was a very life changing article that can really help a lot of people.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Ruchira -

      Good to see you!

      I totally agree. The economy doesn't allow much leeway today. One simply has to keep their sights set ahead and hope things improve.

      Thanks for coming by! Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Jordan -

      Nice to meet you, sir!

      Glad you enjoyed this piece. Just trying to bring a smile or two to the times we live in.

      Thanks for commenting! Much appreciated

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      spartucusjones -

      Good to see you, sir.

      I did my life changing publications years ago in the form of published sales training manuals, customer retention manuals, and business development center manuals. These changed the lives of many people, and are still doing so today. Now, my writing is to change a person's gloom into a person's smile to relieve the pressures of the day. In today's society and economy, employment surprises occur without notice. The trauma of being unemployed after having years of six digit income can create much stress. A break from that stress can do a person a lot of good. Much more than some of the offerings one finds in profiles.

      Appreciate the comments! Many Thanks!

    • SidKemp profile image

      Sid Kemp 4 years ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)

      Thanks, you brightened my (self-employed) day!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Sid -

      Good to see you, sir!

      Glad you liked this. Just a little something I put together one afternoon!

      Thanks for commenting! Many Thanks!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Passed by this hub again and had to come back to Congratulate you. That picture is just about the most disgusting, shocking thing on our entire site, buddy.......Can't pass it without having a startled effect! If I ever saw a dude sitting around like that......I'd slap him silly!!!!!!!!LOL

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      Good to see you!

      I keep that picture there as a memory of the double standard one has to remember here. A girl in a bikini with a glass of wine, or a fat man in a speedo on a beach is acceptable as long as it's in a vacation hub. Yet, put the same in a comedy hub and you'll get tagged for it. Sends creative writers a strong message. : )

      Thanks for stopping in! Always enjoy your comments greatly!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      OH...please don't tell me you were tagged!! Boy......some people just can't take a joke! We need more sick humor around here!......He's disgusting, but I'm becoming attached!! LMAO!!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      Yep. Twice now. This one and Gabriela's #2. Getting ridiculous but, what can a person do? Be careful, you may see him walking down the street one day! lol Boy would your hubby be jealous!

      Appreciate the support! Many Thanks!

    • kittythedreamer profile image

      Nicole Canfield 4 years ago from the Ether

      You are seriously TOO funny for your own good! Lol. This really gave me a chuckle with my cup of coffee this morning. Thanks for making us all laugh!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Kitty -

      So good of you to drop by!

      I'm glad this little thing put a smile on your face. I do my best to provide a smile to relieve folks of their problems. Sometimes, it can be more beneficial than a pill, for sure.

      Thanks so for your kind words! Greatly appreciated!

    • ImKarn23 profile image

      Karen Silverman 4 years ago

      Lol...and lol again! This has to be the best advice out there on how best to not find employment!

      Very well done - you should get a job helping people to not find work! lol..

      Thanks so much for the giggle...

      Gonna share on!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Leslie -

      So good of you to stop in!

      This was the first one to get me into trouble here. : ) I've looked for any openings doing as you suggest, but have yet to find any. Guess I'll just keep looking. lol Glad you enjoyed!

      Thanks for commenting and sharing! Greatly Appreciated!

    • Rfordin profile image

      Rfordin 4 years ago from Florida

      LOL great advice you have here should I ever find myself wanting to be unemployed (or unemployable for that matter) surely your tips will help me obtain my goal!

      Thanks for sharing....

      ~Becky

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Becky -

      Really good of you to visit!

      Just a little piece to bring some humor to a very dismal situation many are facing now. Sometimes, laughter can make the problems feel a little less overbearing and give a person a reason to keep trying. Happy you enjoyed!

      Again, thanks so for stopping in and commenting! Many Thanks!

    • Askme profile image

      Pritchard 4 years ago

      Loved it. Too funny and I relate so much!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rebecca -

      Good Morning!

      Nice to see you visiting some of my hubs! I try to do a little bit of everything. You might find some humor, some Halloween type tales, and even some poetry. Good to have you visiting!

      Many Thanks!

    • novascotiamiss profile image

      novascotiamiss 4 years ago from Nova Scotia, Canada

      I thoroughly enjoyed this hub and had a good laugh. I love your wicked sense of humor and great talent for satire. I will definitely sign up as a follower and would love to read more from you. PS: Your 1st tip: apply as an unemployed job hunter might actually work. There are more recruiters with a sense of humor out there than you think.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      novascotiamiss -

      Good Afternoon!

      Glad you enjoyed this offering! This is the toned down version to get it re-published here. lol I do appreciate the follow, and the fact you like this type of humor. Btw, I'd love to find a recruiter locally that does. Haven't had much luck as of late! : )

      Thanks for everything! Greatly Appreciated!

    • Askme profile image

      Pritchard 4 years ago

      You and me both RC. Sometimes I worry I might be getting passed over because the recruiter found my hubpages! Oh well....like they say screw 'em if they can't take a joke!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rebecca -

      Good to see you again!

      I have honestly given it one hell of a try, but I can't even get a nibble. I've wondered the same, but if they are that stuck up, we probably wouldn't get along anyway. I keep say, "It will happen soon." Soon is just taking a heck of a lot longer than anticipated! lol

      Thanks for stopping by! Greatly appreciated!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      crumplestilskin!! I will PAY you to get rid of that picture of my ex husband!!! It makes me nauseous every time I scroll past it!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula - You wouldn't believe how much money he's paying me to keep it up! lol Actually, I keep it up to annoy a certain person that decided to take the advertising away from this hub. It's the least I can do for them, since they did so much for me! : )

    • travel_man1971 profile image

      Ireno Alcala 4 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

      LOL. It could happen. Outrageous plan may turn something positive to some who are really in need of a job. :)

    • Dannytaylor02 profile image

      Daniel Nathan Taylor 4 years ago from United Kingdom, Liverpool

      Great Hub mate...one thing that bothers me, i hope that's not you behind the pint glass!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Ireno -

      Good to see you!

      One never knows what goes through the minds of recruiters. If it were left up to them and computer selection, I'd still not be working. Luckily, I knew a few people in upper ranks to go around the dummies holding the fate of quality people in their hands and don't know what to do with it. lol

      Thanks for commenting! Greatly Appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Danny -

      Good of you to visit!

      I'm happy you liked this piece. Just a little something I wrote a while back to amuse. And, no, that's not a picture of me, lol. I'm not that photogenic! : )

      Appreciate the read and comments, sir! Many thanks!

    • gsidley profile image

      Dr. Gary L. Sidley 3 years ago from Lancashire, England

      Funny hub - really enjoyed it. Sorry for duplicating your picture - only just found your hubs (honest), so stumbled on the pic independently.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 3 years ago from Kentucky

      Gary - Glad you liked it. It's really been a while since I've been here. No problem with the pic. I found it great that someone else has a sense of humor strong enough to use it. :) Many Thanks!

    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 21 months ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      Hey there! I was laid off three years ago, and I've been fortunate enough to remain unemployed, even without the benefit of your excellent advice. Obviously, my unemployment has long ago run out, but I have found other ways to make ends meet. I miss the paycheck, but I don't miss the rat race.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 21 months ago from Kentucky

      Hey Sherry,

      Sorry it took so long for me to comment. I don't come to Hubpages often. This is actually the Hub that started my discontent with the site. They took away all advertising because of the photo posted. I know it's somewhat descriptive, but it's no worse than many I'd viewed here. From this point on, they unfairly and mercilessly moderated mine and others that wrote creatively. So, if they didn't want us here, we all decided we'd leave and do our own blogging. Most of my writings have been transfered there, but I did leave a few here. Glad you enjoyed!

      Many thanks!

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