How To Survive A Drop Bear Attack: An Essential Guide On Australia's Most Dangerous Marsupial
terroraustralis koalis decendi
terroraustralis koalis decendi is of the koala marsupial family and locally known in Australia and New Zealand as the 'Drop Bear'.
A natural pest to non indigenous wildlife and farm animals in Australia, the Drop Bear is a nocturnal, carnivorous and highly dangerous creature. It is known to be the most dangerous marsupial on the planet. Recent studies suggest that the Tasmanian Tiger did not die out from colonial expansion but more likely from a long protracted territorial war over some 12,000 years.
On first inspection, Drop Bears look like a larger more darker furred cousin of the cute and cuddly Koala, and that is about where the cuteness ends. Drop Bears attack from height and usually from a Eucalyptus tree, although there have been rare attacks from other tree types.
History And Habitat
The Drop Bear is also believed to be responsible for the extinction of the Yowie, Bunyip and the Queensland Jackal or Tiger. Without evidence to at least show the remains and therefore possible evidence of attack and damage to said creatures, we will never know.
It is the belief of this author that there is remains providing evidence of such with the CSIRO, the Australian Commonwealth Scientific And Industrial Research Organization the national government body for scientific research in Australia. It was founded in 1926 originally as the Advisory Council of Science and Industry, it is also the belief of this author that the CSIRO was created to hide and protect this species for the sole purpose of protecting the Australian tourist industry. I feel that this is a conspiracy of the highest order and is even fully known by the Prime Minister.
The Drop Bear or Coonabarrabrannararracannacarrawanna as known by Indigenous Australians has passed in peaceful coexistence for over 40,000 years. Simple really, don't come near my tree and I won't eat you. With the coming of white settlers, the locals tried to tell them but they had to learn the hard way by being eaten.
Stories emerged back in England much to the delight of English children but disdained by Royalty. Without evidence of fur or bones or other materials of the bear, proof was held in little esteem for the early explorers of Australia returned to England.
Drop Bears are believed to live and abide as family units only. It has been surmised that female drop bears may or may not eat the male after mating. Some young may also be eaten when food is scarce. They will 99% of the time abide in Eucalyptus trees and have been found (or at least sighted) in Willow, Pine, Tasmanian Oak and several other variety of tree. They also hold the rare distinction of being the only carnivore marsupial. This is a direct opposing contrast to their native cousin, the koala, who literally only eat Eucalyptus leaves, hence making Koalas herbivores. Drop Bears will eat birds, razorbacks (wild boar) kangaroos, wallabies, dingoes, wombats, sheep, cows, goats and spiders.
It is believed that they are primarily nocturnal and have excellent night vision and hearing. It is also known that there have been rare attacks on humans, usually international tourists which they have a real taste for.
No Drop Bear has ever been held in captivity and the understanding is only found with cursory evidence of attacks on wildlife and domestic cattle/sheep/goats.
This is what we do know;
- They usually attack at night, and have been sighted attacking during the day.
- They are approx 30kg in weight for an adult bastard (male) and 42kg for an adult bitch (female)
- They have dark brown to deep rustic and green fur, excellent for camouflage in a Eucalyptus tree.
- They will attack without regard for their own safety
- They attack primarily by 'dropping' from a height of 3 or more meters. They then attach their teeth to a victims neck and inject a hallucinogenic venom. This venom is believed to also affect glass when in gas form, hence no close up photos has been taken of these creatures and they become to well camouflaged for long distance photography.
- There are no 'official' human attacks, but it is suggested that it numbers in the hundred's. There is also anecdotal evidence that the young girls whom disappeared at the picnic of Hanging Rock may have stumbled upon a huge family nest. This may also account for the true deaths of the explorers Burke & Wills.
Dispelling Some Myths
There are rumours that rubbing Vegemite or Aerogarde behind the ears or even wearing a hat with a spike will protect you when walking underneath Eucalyptus trees, this is simply not true. They have been created to make tourists look foolish and have local Australians laugh at them. It would be like saying, rub peanut butter & jelly sandwiches on your booty and that will protect you from coyotes, sheesh.
It has also been suggested that these creatures urinate on their victims before attacking, I think that's just drunk people loitering too long under balconies at Australian bbqs.
How To Survive
How to survive this marvelous yet little understood (and dangerous) creature is simple.
- If you see shiny poo that looks like black round rocks under a Eucalyptus tree. Don't go near the tree.
- If you hear strange growling sounds and it is not from your dog you are walking, turn and run the other way.
- Do not enter under any circumstances any areas containing Eucalyptus trees at night.
- Do not walk in nature or wildlife parks or similar areas between December and February. This is believed to be breeding season for the creatures and a rise in attacks accordingly.
- It is only rumour and conjecture and not yet proven, but tourists wearing camouflage style clothing tend to be attacked more often than wearing different clothes.
- If you are attacked and someone visits you from the CSIRO, just simply tell them that you were attacked by a snake.