How To Survive When Nature Takes Over: An Essential Guide
If you have read my other Hub essential guides then it's safe to come out of the bunker after Armageddon and we also know those darn zombies finally ate each other through sheer boredom, so along comes these pesky aliens to ruin one's day. Guess what, alien infestation didn't happen, but we survived that too. Well, we survived Armageddon didn't we? Check! Survived the Zombie Apocalypse did we not? Check! Ah well, they do say things happen in threes....but THIS TIME, things also happen in FOURS. Read my previous hub on
This time around I am not at the local supermarket, as after that aliens taking us over incident turned out to be a flaky news anchor with bad gas (I was embarrassed as to explaining to my boss why I was absent for a few days). Well, then the weekend came around and I decided to go for a stroll in the local park and noticed a stray dog which I though was eating the grass, until on closer inspection I found out the grass WAS EATING THE DOG and that made me think about...
Day Of The Triffids & The Happening
Wait......................its happening Again
BEFORE you go into your favorite national park, check and make sure your kids are not playing in the back yard until everyone has read this guide and taken all precautions against!!!
Flesh eating, mind altering, KILLER PLANTS!!!
I have covered the essential essentials in that hub about when aliens wanna come down to our planet and kick our butts, so no point going over that a second time. If you have missed it, go read it then come STRAIGHT BACK HERE.
I need to go to Bunnings today, which in Australia is a huge hardware store chain, so make note of the location of your typical hardware store chain in your respective country. Bonus as this will be a base of operations when the plants start kicking us humans in the heiney. On the way there I saw a guy trimming his hedge with a trimmer, then trim off his own head........its already on.
So when you get to Bunnings (or your particular store) stock up on the following people.
- Good shoes - Always need good shoes, preferably sneakers, they helped us outrun aliens, but no, need a new pair buddy! Bookmark this hub, go out and buy some new ones, then come back!!!
- Petroleum products - Petrol, Gas, Kerosene, Methylated Spirits, Butane. Since I don't care much for plant poisons, they take too long to act (but still useful, long term). When I have plants that want to eat me or make me kill myself in stylish ways, I wanna be able to burn there backsides, if they had backsides. Since man has enjoyed the use of fire since 1 million BC, I am gonna stick with what works and works well. So we can protect ourselves against the pesky green stuff and have them BURN BABY BURN
- Gardening Implements - Sharp tools people, rack them, stack them and pack them if you have them. If not, get down to your store and stock up, big big big, a plant even though like above doesn't enjoy a toasty roasting, they still don't appreciate being cut up into tiny pieces either. Awesome, advantage human.
- Weed Killer - Stuff em, they wanna kill us, well with this schtuff, we fight back...slowly...painfully.....surely, with a can or two of hydro-chloro-somethingo we come back into an area and find out why brown is the new black, and it looks good on mother nature.
- Sheep, Goats, Cattle, Pigs, Horses, Cats, Dogs, Insects - Well guess what folks, since we cannot eat plant life anymore due to them eating us, we gotta eat something, available at your local farm.
- Vitamins - OK with that pesky plant life we cannot derive important nutrients anymore and though fruit used to be a staple, we cannot even risk a bout of hydro-overdosis (drowning by intelligent plants) get down to your local la pharmacia, pharmacy, drug store, chemist, et al, in your country and stock up big on these babies.
- Travel Light & Easily - Now, after that alien fiasco, when it comes to plants that want my heine I need to be able to get around off my feet quickly, so make sure this time around YOU DO have a shopping trolley handy. Helps to transport goods too.
Know Your Plantage
Again, like with aliens, one needs to be able to differentiate with the problematic species of nature. One needs to find out in a pinch, is fire or that nice 21inch chainsaw better to protect myself. Do I need a spray can of immolation or will an pair of axes akimbo do a better job. Tell you what, since it is within the realms of possibility to get both a deadly plant AND have it be an alien from a distant planet, just cut & burn it to make doubly sure, een have lots of Monsanto kill weed handy. Safe and happy hunting, remember.....if it's green, it is probably mean.
Triffids - Naughty bastards these ones, have a habit of always pestering people in the United Kingdom for some reason, over 12 feet tall in some places, semi-intelligent and hungers for human flesh. Avoid even more so when strange green lights emit from the night sky during a meteor shower. Come one we know thats a sure sign of seeding the planet for someone or somethings benefit, not ours.
The Thing From Another ..... Ah Sh*...Your kidding right, a vegetable masquerading as a person....... must have been frozen in Antarctica for a millennia. Oh wait, some bright spark scientist found it, dug it up and now it wants to kill everything it see's by implanting its seed into each of us. No dinner, no drinks, no goodnight kiss just straight to the nitty gritty.
Someone pass me the flame-thrower, Im gonna make this tomato sauce head my little Brittany bitc......BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, BURN BABEE, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN.
Little Shop Of Horrors Type II Vegetative Infestation - Again I reckon this is some great idea thought up by some super scientist, who just happens to be a wunderkind with genetic modification. Except this small project kind of got out of hand and the experiment ate the scientist and got out.....what the heck was he thinking? 'What if we mix corn starch DNA with that from a shark and Dionaea muscipula'
OMG PODS! - If you see these, get out of the house, get out off the street, get out of Dodge City, get out of Kansas, get out of the USA......just GET OUT..... you get the picture!!!!! Why? It means everyone you have known, everyone you grew up with, are now world dominating plant people, who make weird screaming noises when they recognize you are not one of them.
In FINAL SUMMARY - PRINT OUT THIS GUIDE & STICK IT ON YOUR FRIDGE, LET ALL YOUR FRIENDS KNOW ABOUT THIS GUIDE SO THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN TOMATOES START SEEING ***US*** AS FOOD IN A PLANT DEVOURING HUMANS CRISIS SITUATION.
Hey phew!!!!! Its a great, nice, warm sunny day and I notice that..... its just a dog playing around in the park, must have cut a paw or something...........say......why is that gardener lying on the grass with a glazed look in front of his ride on mower, but he is IN FRONT not on, that mower?....