Empower Yourself! How to Become Invisible
Disappearing for Fun and Profit
It is not known who exactly was the first person to become invisible, but certainly it reaches far back into the mists of time, possibly all the way to Adam and Eve when they used the power of becoming invisible to hide from God.
"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God..." Genesis 3:8
possibly a trick they learned from that notorious denizen of the ground, the Serpent.
At any event, everyone from Harry Potter to Houdini, David Blaine and David Copperfield have mastered this art and it is possible that you too can master this mysterious, and magical trick.
Note from the Author:
The art of becoming invisible is, dear friend reading this, a little bit dangerous to let everyone know about as it could be used for dishonestly motivated persons who might reference this science-based-imaginary-technique and get into an apartment invisibly to perform bad acts like taking objects found therein for free or some similar series of illicit actions and then leave and because they are invisible unfortunately escape without a trace using the fictional science of invisibility found in this Hub. Saying that, I hope that only nice people will be using the tips here to become invisible.
Biggest Misconception about Invisibility
Certainly the biggest misconception concerning invisibility is the fact that you do not appear invisible to yourself--only other people. This probably comes as a shock to most of you, who have H.G. Well's The Invisible Man, and others,but the hard truth is that when you are invisible there is no way to tell except in the reactions of other people. You will never be invisible to your pets--you dog may see you as a shadow but he can still see that much, and your cat can see you just a sharply as when you are not transparent, so don't try to fool Mr. Whiskers.
You can look in a mirror--go ahead--you won't be see-through. You can look at a photo of yourself you take with your webcam, you can be caught by a CCTV monitor (so don't think of committing some crime while being watched by one) and you can be seen by insurance salesman, so don't think this will get you out of buying a lifetime policy to insure yourself against sudden while watching a puppet show. It won't.
But other people? Yes, they will look right through you as if you weren't there.
Side Effects of Becoming Invisible
In your pursuit of becoming invisible you must first be made aware of the side-effects that may accrue to your new metaphysical status. There is only one:
- dry mouth
How to Become Invisible--The Directions
1. Stand upright, legs spread apart, arms akimbo, and eyes closed. (Refer to the first illustration of this Hub above).
2. Visualize 'Fermat's Last Theorem'. Don't worry, you don't have to solve it, just visualize it. (See sidebar to right)
3. Repeat a mantra. If you don't know one, sing the words to 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' in Croatian. Remember: proper pronunciation is paramount.
Testing your Invisibility
Testing is essential, of course, otherwise you won't know if you have achieved your desire to become transparent.
Fortunately this is fairly simple. Just go downstairs (if you became invisible in your upstairs bedroom for example) and ask your Mother,Father,Wife,Sister,Brother or visiting Relative (who is still there after all these weeks and shows no signs of going back home,) "am I invisible?"
Don't be shy. Just blurt it out.
If they answer 'NO of course not' then you can be sure you ARE.
Why? The human mind is a complex organ and one which does not like to admit to itself impossibilities,paradoxes,contradictions and other events which do not fit into it's closed,secure,predictable world-view. This is natural. And so, what it cannot believe, it denies TO ITSELF. In other words, while your Mother may very well know she cannot see you and that you are invisible, her brain, clever thing that it is, will construct a hyperspatial model of you, made up of her most recent memories of you, and use these to fill-in the missing sensory clues that her mind is not able to percieve. Again, the person who says you are not invisible is actually asserting you ARE invisible because they cannot admit to themselves the possibility that you could be invisible--that way lies madness --as the philosopher's say.
So be assured, you are now invisible, provided you followed to the letter my directions above.
Uses of Becoming Invisible
Being invisible is awesome and has a number of handy uses, just a few of which I will list here from my personal experiences of becoming invisible:
- Save money on buying clothes. When you are invisible you don't need any!
- Go to a rock concert and sit up on stage--but pick a place where Lady Gaga won't accidentally slap you with a a piece of her meat-dress as she pirouettes.
- The next time President Obama gives a press conference, make his tie rise up slowly over his head. Every time he pulls it back down, do it again.
- go to the U.S. Tennis Open and evertime Federer tosses his ball into the air to serve, smack it into the audience.
Some Drawbacks of Becoming Invisible
- its difficult if not impossible to turn a door handle. Your hand will simply go right through it. In such a case you can just walk right through the door.
- tendency to slowly sink into the floor depending on which shoes you are wearing. Myself, I never become invisible without wearing sneakers.
The last time I became invisble I changed some of the headlines in the New York Times on July 1,2011. Some of the things you read on that day never really happened. But I'm not telling.
Then I went down to a Starbucks and changed all their prices to 'Coffee-All Flavours- One Cent'.
That was fun.
I wonder what I'll do next time.