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Your Family Needs to Have a Sense of Humor if You Want to Clean Out Their Sock Drawers

Updated on September 28, 2013

Probably Not a Match in the Whole Pile

Fly Below the Radar...This is a Stealth Mission

Cleaning out your family's socks must be a stealth mission. You have to fly below the radar because if you are caught, the consequences...well, just aren't worth it. The reason for this top-secret mission is simple - your husband and children would wear the same socks for the rest of their lives if you let them.

I have performed this mission successfully many times, so I know from which I speak. This article will explain to you how to do it properly.

Follow These Directions Very Closely

Step 1 - The first step in this mission is to find a large laundry basket that you think would hold all of the socks in your home. You will probably also want to wear some of those thin, latex gloves.

Step 2 - Next, make a list of EVERY room in your home and methodically begin searching each and every one of them for socks. With your laundry basket sitting in the middle of the room you are working, check under beds, on closet floors, under the refrigerator, behind the washer and dryer, in and under the couch, in and under any recliner, underneath the bathroom cabinets, on top of any tall pieces of furniture there are (my grandson takes off his socks and tosses them up in the air and sometimes they land in weird places), behind dressers, in the garage, and finally, in your vehicles. There may be a few in sock drawers (not many) so you should probably look there as well. Don't forget to check the dog's bed.

Step 3 - You should, by now, have a basket full of disgusting socks and it is your mission to clean out the ones that no longer have what it takes to be a good sock. So first, turn them outside in because no one in your family is considerate enough to take them off properly, and more than likely 95% of them are going to be inside out, meaning that YOU are going to be the one to stick your hand inside someone else's nasty, probably smelly, sock. Hence, the gloves.

Step 4 - With glove on your left arm, put each sock on your arm for inspection. You are going to be checking for three key things that will determine if a sock gets to stay, or must go away forever. Check first for holes and toss 'em if they have even the tiniest hole in them. Next, check on the bottom of the sock to see if it is so black that it couldn't possibly ever come clean. Toss out those. Finally, check to see how badly stretched-out each sock is and toss the ones that look like they would fit on top of a broken foot that is in a cast, or on a yeti's foot. The last part of this step is to match the remaining socks up, which should take you the better part of the day. Any sock that doesn't have a mate, of course, is tossed.

From this...

Now, Go Shopping!

  • The Final Step - I, however, would like to suggest that you do Step 1, Step 2 and Step 3, Skip step 4, dump the socks in a garbage bag and go to Wal-Mart where you will find some nice, clean, un-holey, un-stretched socks that have already been paired up for you. You can even buy them online these days!
  • Glad I could help.

To this...


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