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How to Drive Traffic to Your Pages
This article has been afflicted with spammy elements. HubPages delisted it from Google. I worked so hard to limit product capsules, but evidently three of them is too many.
Surely it would be nice if HubPages actually explained how many is too many. Guessing games are no fun.
UPDATE: Evidently 300 words are necessary for each product capsule. Today I strenuously attempt to reach that standard!
You want readers?
We all want readers. Without readers our articles become idle paranoid ramblings. With readers our articles are widely distributed idle paranoid ramblings. We want to be talked about, discussed around the water cooler, and hidden behind proxy servers when the NSA comes calling.
You, gentle reader, can have all this and more. You simply need to learn tips, tricks, and subtleties sufficient to drive readers to your articles. This article is here to help. Don't say we didn't try to help.
Simply read onward. Secrets of the Ya Ya Readership shall be revealed to you and your eyeballs. Over 700 words patiently await your consumption. Go back and read it again if you don't believe me.
Reluctant readers insisting on browsing Reddit or HuffingtonPost.com can usually be reeducated. A few applications of this handy cattle prod retrains wayward eyeballs. Direct folks to your well-crafted compositions and keep them away from liberal effluence so prevalent on other sites.
Your fans will never stray. In the back of their minds the gentle reminder of thousands of volts will keep them coming back to you and your words. Nothing convinces a sentient human to open HubPages.com more effectively than manually operated electrical transfer devices. It's not a threat: it's an EMF gradient between ungrounded conductive entities. We all have potential and this handy little contrivance increases potential, which is a pretty funny Electrical Engineering joke if you're into that genre.
Provide a Router
In order to access your online ramblings your readers must get online. This can be accomplished through an open WiFi connection at Starbucks but they go home smelling like overpriced coffee and pretension.
Rather than venture outdoors, your readers prefer a cup of microwaved instant Sanka and a basket of Keebler chocolate chip cookies. Such refreshments, combined with an Internet router, provide pleasant Saturday afternoons on the couch. You, gentle writer, should be the benefactor of the router. As the saying goes: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a man a router and he will download pictures of fish until he starves."
Should you find yourself in possession of Information Technology skills consider providing specially programmed routers. Any well-rounded 6th grader can show you how to 'adjust' DNS settings such that Google.com routes to HubPages.com/~you. It can be done and it's probably being done to you right now, but not by me. I promise.
Pick them up in a Porsche
No one expects a Spanish Inquisition, or a Porsche. Image burbling up to the curb as your dear reader struggles to start their 1981 Chevette. Imagine their surprise as you casually lower the passenger-side window to reveal yourself and your articles.
No one will resist you and your classic German sports car. Embedded deeply in the DNA of all online readers are Porsche genes. Some of us adore Lamborghini, some of us lust after Ferrari. All of us posses innate cravings focused on the brainchildren of Ferdinand Porsche.
Helpful Hint: have your online articles prepared onto audio CDs. When you pick up a dear reader subtly shove the CD into your Blaupunkt in-dash player. This completes the experience. A normal human traversing this little blue marble we call Earth will offer no resistance whatsoever.
How are we doing so far?
So far you've been regaled with no less than three various and sundry strategies for driving traffic to your hubs. These items have been filled with whimsy, packed with subtle wit, and highly useful. Next time you find yourself on Amazon, slide out a credit card to purchase one or more.
I'm here to help, but I can't help you unless you help yourself to a heaping helping of products. We all want readers. I want readers almost as much as you want readers. The trick is following through on these successfully innovative product suggestions. There are also other tricks but unless you show me you can handle even basic online purchasing instructions, no other tricks shall be forthcoming. I mean, why expend unnecessary keystrokes?
Dearly love, I would, to continue regaling you with stuff to buy. Sadly, HubPages threatens to feature my article only if it's mostly bereft of spammy elements. I understand your disappointment. The actual minimum count of spammy elements remains mysterious, but hopefully the minimal number of product capsules proffered herein will not cause digital censorship: Google needs to know about this article.
Rather than offering additional eminently useful projects, I turn to my conclusion. In conclusion I suggest that you can drive readers to your site through deployment of strategically selected purchases of products. Use your credit card or PayPal account to achieve maximum readership. I know I will.