How to Go to a Party Without a Date and Not Look Stupid
OMG, a PARTY????
- You've just met a new person at work and she has invited you to her house for a holiday party...one where you probably won't know anyone. (She probably won't invite you to a second party, so you'd better get it right this first time.)
- You don't have time to beg someone to be your date and all of the escort services are completely booked (does it seem that they are ALWAYS booked when you call?), and you don't want to look foolish standing in the corner by yourself, so what do you do? I know this one. And how do I know this???
- After you've been invited to a party and you know you are going to have to go alone...dateless...solo...the first thing to do is to go to the mall and buy something black to wear. That way, when you walk in the door, no one will look up to see that you are coming in the door by yourself. By all means, don't wear anything bright and flashy...you'll just look pathetic.
- Now, you have entered alone and given someone your coat and you are standing just inside the doorway. The next thing to do is locate someone that has their back turned to you. Then, walk right over to them, tap them on the shoulder, and as they are turning toward you, start saying: "Hello! It is so good to see you here!" Then, when they are turned completely to you, cover your mouth as if you are surprised and say: "I am so sorry. I thought you were a friend of mine from Timbuctoo and I was so relieved to see at least one person here that I know."
- At that point, they will feel so sorry and embarrassed for you that they will probably ask you to join in their little group. You can introduce yourself and then you are just one of the gang from then on. If, by some weird chance that they don't invite you to join them (because you let your friend who was kicked out of beauty school do your makeup), just start a conversation with one of them about how much you LOVE holiday parties but hated having to come alone because your boyfriend who is a brain surgeon, was needed at the hospital for emergency surgery at the last minute and couldn't make it.
- The last step is really the hardest one. After you have gone to the party alone and lied about knowing that first person, and continued to make up ridiculous stories about your brain surgeon boyfriend, you have to spend the rest of your miserable life dodging anyone from the party because you lied your butt off just for a few hors d'oeurves and a frozen margarita that probably gave you brain freeze, which is just what you deserve.
- I can't believe you would even think of making up such stories. Shame on you!
These are the things you will need:
A party invitation
Nerves of steel
A little black dress
Even the Little Black Dress Can't Save You if You Get Drunk!
Before you tap a stranger on the shoulder and pretend to know him, have a friend's name ready so it doesn't appear that you are making it up (Heaven forbid!)
Keep a drink in your hands at all times so your arms don't look like they are just dangling.
Start looking in the yellow pages for a plastic surgeon. You'll want to get your whole face redone just in case you run into someone who was at the party.
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