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How to Keep Your Woman While Incarcerated

Updated on April 19, 2013

I want to help the incarcerated man save his family.

"How to Keep Your Woman While Incarcerated". I hope you enjoy this piece and share it with someone who is struggling in a relationship with an incarcerated person. There is Hope where there is love.


There is potential for good to come out of any bad situation. The determining factor for success is completely derived from one’s ability to accept the hardship as a learning experience. Year after year, many children lose their fathers to incarceration and incarcerated men lose their families. It is easy to declare that men should just stop committing crimes. However; it is a lot easier said than done. Most repeated offenders continue to commit crimes due to a lack of support and the inability to be accepted by society.The legal system does a wonderful job at apprehending and institutionalizing; however, there is little effort in preparing society to accept a released offender. What is the purpose of educating offenders on how to deal with anger and parenting if they will not be able to secure employment? Many offenders return to the life of crime and abuse simply because they lack the tools to be honest providers for their families.

There are many brilliant minds and beautiful people behind bars. A large number of black- males that are incarcerated come from broken homes and a history of tragedies that has left him and his family dysfunctional. The pattern is repeated and passed down, generation through generation until it becomes the norm. Family structures in the black community have all but vanished as brothers, sons, fathers, and husbands break the law and are wisped away from families.

Women do not realize the role that they play in aiding men to return to society. The problem is that we as women focus on the wrong aspects of incarceration and we lack the ability to do what we expect our men to do. There are enough difficulties that prohibit total rehabilitation, yet we as women help perpetuate the cycle of law breaking by aiding our men in doing what is wrong. Women chose love over clarity. When dealing with an incarcerated man we should become “wardens” and “guards” in a sense. Instead of giving in to his pleas for sex and contraband we should display our love to by encouraging them to do what is right…at all times.

Have you ever heard the old saying “Correct those you love” Why do you think that it is important to do so? True love doesn’t ever want to risk hurt or harm for the one the love is directed towards. The love you have for the individual should compel you to direct them towards what is right. Motherly instinct and love goes hand in hand; you should desire to protect them as well and satisfy them. Real love doesn’t defend when wrong is being done. Love chastises so that the soul…the real person can be saved. It is not love when you are only attached to the physical appearance, and it’s not love when you chose a mate based on reputation and financial status. Of course, it may be good for a while, may be even years; however, the truth will come to the light. I know this because God’s word does not come back void!To the incarcerated man, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a woman supplies you with the things you need even if it means breaking the rules, it is not love.

A true relationship begins with companionship. If you go out looking for love, you won’t find it.You will probably find everything but love and a whole lot of stuff you think is love. Your mate or spouse has to be your friend… your companion. When you build a relationship based on trust and communication the love will come.Lack of trust is the number one reason relationships fail. Once trust is gone, it leaves room for infidelity and bitterness. Sex alone cannot sustain a relationship; it needs to be empowered by trust.

When a man is incarcerated his concept of trust changes; his trust is now empowered by a woman’s ability answer the phone every time he calls, writing him, sending him money, and just being happy to hear his voice. A man is naturally a jealous creature so are women. However; a man’s inability to forgive will turn him into a monster. Most men that have abused women have not abused every woman that he has been involved with.Why do you think that this is so? Well abuse begins somewhere, it does not just happen. When dealing with an incarcerated man women should make sure that abuse has no root. Women must now allow themselves to be used and ordered around by a man that has no control of his own life. How silly is that? He is told when to go to bed, when to eat, and when to go take a crap; but you let him tell you that you better answer the phone when he calls...

Women you are not children; hopefully. Now this is not stating that you should completely rebel or not aid your significant other while he is incarcerated; but you have to display some strength and will-power. Remember, a man hates a weak woman and he always believes that if he can make you do something, then any man can. Don’t be fooled. No matter the situation if you tell a man that something is your “first time” he will believe contrary…whether he admits it or not.

With that being said, ladies take control of you relationships if your men are behind bars; stand up and encourage him to do what is right. Maintain healthy relationships through prayer and encouraging words. Even if when he goes to jail and you hear all kinds of stuff about him. Learn to ask questions, but don’t pry for answers. Correctional facilities are hard enough. How we respond to our men while they are locked up will aid in their rehabilitation. It has lots of influence on what kind of person he is when he comes home.

How to Keep Your Woman While Incarcerated

“Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

This passage comes from Genesis 1:26. Incarcerated man, when you commit crimes and become “incarcerated”, you contradict the word. You become confined, made to rise and made to rest. The creatures of the world are in possession of freedom that you do not have access to. A bird has more authority than you. It can still come and go as it pleases and feed its chicks. Being created in the image of God gives you authority. You have the authority to change any situation you are in before you become an offender. Incarcerated man, your pride, your greed, or your laziness is the reason that you are behind bars.

Thankfully, the God that created us is a forgiving god. I want to empower you to begin to seek him more often and trust that he will provide. Any situation that you find yourself in, God can see you through. You don’t ever have to return to another jail again if you would only seek the Lord Jesus Christ. Through this book we hope to give you better understanding of the power you have through Christ and of the need for reclaiming your spouses and your families. No matter how hard it is for you in there, think about your women and your children. You should have an undying love for your spouse, and a deep desire to keep your children from making the mistakes that you have. It should hurt like a knife at the sheer thought of your sons or daughters being behind bars.

Verbal Abuse

There is nothing in the world of a woman that is worse than saying goodbye to her man as she leaves visitation. That long drive home is horrendous as she thinks about the good times they have shared with one another. The fact that she could be facing months or years alone, without the person she loves stresses the mind and body in many ways. Men you have to understand that you are in control of the situation with little or no effort involved. The glue that binds relationships starts in the mind. Your woman will follow you to the moon in a Cessna Twin engine plane as long as she believes you appreciate her. You break this bond when you become verbally abusive. Verbal abuse destroys trust. It creates damage that may not ever be repaired. Women are dwellers. We never forget things said to us that hurt. The natural vindictive nature of a woman will temp her to cheat, if her man calls her out of her name or simply just hurt her feelings. Women are fragile creatures. It doesn’t matter if the love if our life has 1 year or twenty; we will be right there by his side…faithful, unless he does something to destroy that bond. Words are powerful. Never say things to your woman that you might regret. Men if it comes to a point that you feel you may explode, try discontinuing the phone call or taking a few minutes to think it through. Most arguments are 95% a misunderstanding. You would not want risk your relationship over a few harsh words. Remember, you are in jail because you put yourself there. You had a choice.


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    • vtwilli profile imageAUTHOR

      Vanessa T Williams 

      6 years ago from Baton Rouge, Louisiana

      thank you

    • Hackslap profile image


      6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I cannot personally relate with a situation like this (and I strongly hope I never do lol) .. but this article's truly thought provoking to say the least...voted up!

    • vtwilli profile imageAUTHOR

      Vanessa T Williams 

      8 years ago from Baton Rouge, Louisiana


      thank you. Share this with the person you know is incarcerated and anyone you know who may benefit.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I absouletly love this article. Ur words are very inspiring and so true. Thanx. I needed to read something like this during my first trying time. Much respect ♥♡♥♡

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      This is a very beautiful start. Keep up the good work. Mr&Mrs M. Paul


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