Satire: How to NOT Get Along With People

A satiric explanation of how to get along with people.

So, do you find that your life is a bit too smooth? That you need to add some excitement? One well-tested method of adding some interest is to learn how NOT to get along with people. Adding some conflict to your life will give you unpredictability, drama and definitely keep you from getting bored! What follows are five easy steps to not getting along with people, and ruining your relationships. I am pretty sure you will have success with these, but if you don't, I am guessing you must have pretty patient people in your life!

Assuming the worst is one of the most effective ways to harm a perfectly good relationship. After all, people become what you say about them. Assume bad things about them, and pretty soon, that you will get. How do you implement this strategy? Quite simple! Whatever they are doing, always assume it is for the worst possible reasons. And if you're not sure, don't ask. Just assume. This will work wonders in wrecking your relationships!

For example, your husband always watches Monday Night Football? Always has? Just assume it's because he's avoiding you, and not because he loves football. Let him know that you know what he's up to, and insist he turn it off! Or your best friend hasn't called in two weeks? Assume it's because she's mad at you, and when she calls, give her a piece of your mind! Never mind that her boss has made her work overtime all last week!

Remember, when assuming the worst, that it's all about you! And never give anyone a chance to explain. Do this, and you're well on your way to not getting along with people!

Now, you've been told many times to "never give up," right? This advice can also be applied when learning not to get along with people.

This means always pushing someone to talk about things when they don't want to! For example, your boyfriend doesn't want to talk about his ex-girlfriend, but you do. Don't just let it go, and leave it for later. No, push the issue until he gets mad. This is sure to work, in your goal to create conflict! 

And if your friend said something to offend you, don't forget it, and accept an apology! Keep asking her why she said it, and keep telling her how wrong she was! Don't give up on making her feel bad ... and you will soon be on your way to helping to create more conflict, and more excitement in your life!

Now, this is a fine skill, but is best achieved if you are willing to think only about your own needs. The art of bad timing is learning how to bring things up within a relationship at the worst possible time, so that the other person will react poorly to what you are saying. That way, any potential conflict that may be there, is amplified by the added stresses they are already under.

The classic example of doing this is bringing up any problems you have with your spouse, as soon as they get home, before giving them any time to unwind, or let go of the pressures of their day. This is sure to lead to bad relationships, and create some conflict for you. In short, don't worry about timing, and just say things whenever and whatever you feel like.

Best friend just get fired? Great time to show them your new car! At your girlfriend's parents for the first time? Good time to tell them you are planning on dropping out of high school! I am sure you can think of many examples, of ways to use bad timing, and this will help tremendously in your quest to not get along with people.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" is a famous quote from the movie, "Love Story." To ruin your relationships, take this one to heart. Don't ever say you're sorry, because you don't have to. Just blame the other person for everything, and don't look at yourself. This can work at home, at the job, and with friends. It works even better if you blame someone else for what you do. For example, if your boss reprimands you for a mistake, don't take responsibility, and blame your coworker.

5. Tell Little Lies

Now, the last way of not getting along with people is probably the best at ruining all the relationships, because it deals with trust. The key foundation for all relationships is trust, and telling lies is the very best way to undermine that trust. The lies don't even necessarily have to be big ones, or important ones, but just need to be untrue enough that the person is never sure if they can completely trust you!

An example of a little lie you could tell your wife is that you are going to work, but you are actually going over to your friends to hang out for a while. Granted, you are not doing anything wrong, but the point is, if she finds out, it will keep her on her toes! And she will start to feel insecure and probably angry with you. Then, you can counter by telling her that she is controlling, a great way to really escalate the argument!

Telling lies is the master strategy for not getting along with people, and if you get really good at it, you may even move into bigger lies, and be able to turn your whole life into one big chaotic mess ... if you keep at it long enough.

Let's recap these five strategies, so that you don't forget.

1. Always Assume the Worst

2. Never Give Up!

3. Learn the Art of Bad Timing

4. Don't Ever Say You're Sorry

5. Tell Little Lies

You may have to learn these strategies one at at time, but as you become better at them, you can probably try them all together, for maximum effectiveness. I wish you all the best in your quest to not get along with people!

NOTE: ALL ADVICE GIVEN TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. DO THE OPPOSITE OF THIS, AND YOU WILL GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE!