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Hump Day: Flash Fiction by cam
Hump Day, An Understated Analogy
Hump day. Anyone who has ever worked a forty hour week understands the term although hump might be an understated analogy. We hike the foothills of Monday morning and around lunch time, we're scrambling up the approach to the mountain proper. On Tuesday we scale the north face of Eiger. Simply put, it's pure hell. The mountain peak comes into view on Wednesday morning, but we still have to struggle through waist deep snow and the effects of thin air. While our heads are spinning from lack of oxygen, we chase down a dry sandwich with bitter coffee and realize we've reached our goal, the summit. We're half way through hump day. From that point, it''s all downhill to Friday and the weekend.
The North Face of the Eiger: Day Two of the Work Week
Ted choked down a ham and swiss on rye that must have included desiccation in the recipe. He stopped chewing for a moment to ruminate on a thought. This was the last hump day he would ever experience because Friday would be his final day in the workforce. Ted was retiring. At five o'clock, he cleared his desk and headed for the elevators.
"Have a good evening, Marcia," he said to the pretty blonde in the cubicle next to his own. "See you tomorrow, Bob. We made it through another hump day." Bob and Ted high fived as they passed each other. Ted's boss, Mr. Dick, was waiting for him near the elevator.
"Where's that month end report, Ted?"
I'll have it on your desk by Friday, you Dick. And if I don't, then screw you. Friday's my last day, is what Ted wanted to say. What came out was, "I'll have it for you first thing in the morning, Mr. Dick. I'll work on it at home tonight." He held up his briefcase indicating the unfinished report was inside, which it wasn't. Dick walked off in a huff and left Ted standing alone in front of the elevator.
The stainless steel doors opened, and the compartment was full of his sour faced, bleary eyed coworkers. Marcia skirted past him balancing a cup of coffee on a ledger. Bob muttered some incomprehensible greeting. His fellow employees exited the elevator as if they were just arriving to work. He checked his watch. It was not five in the afternoon on hump day. It was seven-fifty-nine on Wednesday morning. Hump day was just beginning –- again.
Kenny G? You'll Understand at the End of the Story
The day unfolded exactly as it had the day before. At five o'clock, he was standing in front of the elevator. Mr. Dick had just walked off in a huff, and the elevator opened. Ted was nearly run over as his coworkers arrived for work.
He spent the day staring at the wall of his cubicle, listening to the conversations around him which he had memorized from the previous day. He skipped a meeting with Mr. Dick which really pissed the man off. But it didn't matter if he finished the report today, it would be unfinished when this insanity started over again at quitting time.
It did start over, and something struck Ted that he hadn't realized before. No one had thrown him a retirement party. Instead of going to his cubicle and bemoaning his fate of living for who knows how long in his final hump day, Ted went shopping. He bought decorations, gag gifts, punch, cake and an XBox for himself, compliments of the gang from the office.
Over the following countless hump days, Ted received a new iPhone, a ten thousand dollar gift certificate for Amazon and a Maserati. Jay Leno, Amy Schumer, Conan O'brien and Jimmy Fallon provided the comedic entertainment along with music by Elton John, Madonna, Taylor Swift and Kid Rock.
He finished the month end report. In fact he handed it to Dick in the morning of one of the hump days. Mr. Dick was so impressed with the detail and insightful suggestions within the report, he gave Ted a promotion, a new office with a view of the city and the pretty blonde, Marcia, as his secretary.
Golf was his next priority. He hit the links every day and was getting pretty good at the game. He invited the chairman of the board to play a round which led to another promotion for Ted and forced retirement for Mr. Dick.
Three Second Video of Jim Carrey in The Mask
In spite of all the success he was enjoying, Ted wanted the whole hump day ordeal to end. He hadn't been to his apartment in weeks. One day, it did end. He was standing in front of the elevators and everyone got on. They actually got onto an empty elevator and held the door for Ted who was staring with his mouth hanging open like Jim Carrey gawking at Cameron Diaz in The Mask.
The elevator stopped and people exited. That's when Ted remembered he had left his golf bag in his office. He had an early tee time in the morning, so he waited for everyone to get off, then pushed the up button.
Ted was looking at his cell phone when the door opened. He walked out of the elevator and abruptly ran into the back elevator wall. He laughed at his silly mistake, turned around and walked out, except he was back in the elevator.
Oh, my god, it's happening again. What could be worse than this?
Then the Musak channel came on inside the elevator playing all Kenny G all the time.