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I Am Selfish (Short Story)
I felt paralyzed.
I was wrong.
As I saw the scene before me, I realized that I had it all wrong. I was really wrong to not have trusted his word. I didn’t take him seriously.
It was my fault. It was entire, my bloody fault.
Lying in a pool of his own blood, I saw him lying unconscious on the ground. He had cut his wrist and his white polo t-shirt was now soaked in his blood.
While my other friends shrieked and moved to take him to the doctor, I stood there, frozen.
I simply could not believe this. This was all, my fault. I hope he is alive, or else, I would have a hard time coping up from the guilt.
The guilt of making someone kill himself.
My almond-shaped eyes bulged with tears. My lips suddenly became dry. I paled.
All my friends carried him to the car to take him to the hospital. Apparently, his pulse rate had become slow. But it was still there. He was alive.
While everyone else in the car was panicking and thinking of the reasons which made him do this, I simply knew. I was the reason he tried to kill himself. I was the damned reason.
I took out my phone to read his last message again. It was a long text, so it took a little time to be fully displayed. I guess those few seconds killed me inside.
“This is my last sms to you. I swear that I won’t disturb you ever again. I know you don’t love me and never would. You have made that pretty clear. But I really do love you. I just can’t live without you. I tried. I tried to win your heart, but I failed. I really tried to forget you and move on. But my heart only beats for you. What can I do? I know that you don’t do love, but I did. I just fell for you. You are that beautiful- inside and out. I don’t want to carry this out any longer. I am literally tired of this pain. It hurts so badly that I wish I was dead. And I swear I want to kill myself. And if I don’t get you in my life, I would kill myself and end this sheer torture. ”
This sms was the only proof that I was behind this. I was the cause of his action.
Few silent tears made their way towards my cheek. I could feel them burning my cheek. But I was numb. I was trying my level best to control my sobs.
I wish he never loved me. I really do.
While he had barred his soul open to me, what had I done?
I had simply shrugged off this message and sent him a quick rude reply.
My sms read, “Don’t try this at me. I know you love me. But you know that I don’t. I just simply don’t. Why don’t you understand that? I won’t be with you. Ever. Kill yourself for all I care. I don’t care.”
I was wrong. I did care.
I cared for him. If only, as a friend.
The hospital arrived and he was admitted to it immediately. All the formalities were fulfilled and the police was involved. Seeing it was an attempt to suicide case, the police had countless questions.
Time was passing slower than the walk of a snail.
When my chance came and the police asked me if I had any idea why he tried to suicide, I simply nodded my head.
But before the police could ask anything more, the doctor came outside his room and told me that he wants to see me. He was fine. He had gained his consciousness.
Each step that I took towards his room, felt very heavy. I was trying to think how I would ever face him. What would I probably say to him? Why does he want to see me? Will he ever forgive me for doing this to him?
How would I ever tell him that I am sorry for not taking him seriously? Most importantly, is there a remedy for this situation?
The police accompanied me, wanting to take his statement.
As I took a step inside, I saw him.
His brown eyes were tired and dejected. His body was attached to many wires. His one hand had IV attached to it.
Still, when his eyes met mine, he gave a weak smile.
I muttered a weak, “Hi.”
He patted the place close to his bed for me to sit. But I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t sit near him, knowing that I did this to him.
With unshed tears in my eyes, I sat down on a nearby chair.
He quickly covered the traces of hurt in his eyes. He seemed to already expecting this.
The police moved forward and asked, “Why did you try to suicide?”
He looked at me. I flinched. I knew I was the cause, I already did. But I had no idea that his confirming my belief would hurt this much.
Before he could reply, I found my voice.
In a robotic voice, I said, “He tried to kill himself because he loves me and I don’t. He tried to suicide because he couldn’t bear the pain of being around me and not be with me. He wanted me to be with him, and he couldn’t tolerate that I wasn’t in love with him. He told me that he would die without me and I let him. I am responsible for all this. I am the reason he tried to kill himself.”
The policemen were shocked. And so were the doctors. The tension in the room was so thick that it could he cut down with a knife.
But as far as I was concerned, I felt relief. I felt like a heavy burden was off my shoulders.
He tried to diffuse the tension by saying, “It’s all in the past now. Those reasons don’t matter anymore. You are here now. I am here. And I really do love you.”
It was my turn to be shocked. How could he still love me? He should hate me! Hell, I should probably hate myself too. But for some reason, I didn’t hate myself.
He continued and said, “I am glad you came. I am glad I am alive. At least I got this second chance. But I can’t survive without you. I promise to spend every second of my life, trying to prove how much I love you. Please marry me.”
I know I should feel remorse at my deeds and lucky that he didn’t die, but instead, I only felt relief. Pure relief at the fact that he hadn’t died.
Seeing his fragile condition, I should accept his proposal of marriage. Perhaps, I should even promise him that I would try to love him back. But somehow, I couldn’t do that.
I simply couldn’t. I felt selfish. I really didn’t love him.
All the guilt I had been feeling, after seeing him like that, had evaporated. In place of that, I felt rage. Pure rage. And I had never been this angry before.
I decided to finally put an end to all this drama. I had it enough.
So instead of replying him positively, I said, “No.”
He paled a bit and said, “Excuse me?”
I firmly said, “I said no. I won’t marry you if you were the last person alive.”
The doctor, the nurse, he and even the police were shocked.
He stuttered and said, “B..but. I love you damn-it. I nearly killed myself for you. Doesn’t that matter even a bit to you?”
I knew this was coming. I was mentally prepared for it.
I said, “I wish you understood. Love doesn’t mean to grab. Love means to give with open hands, expecting nothing in return. You really don’t love me. You just have a fascination for me which will die with due time. I really don’t think that it matters much. You have this obsession with me, which would be over soon. You can’t love me, without actually knowing me… without knowing the type of person I am. Do you even know my favourite colour? Anyway, that’s beside the point. You only like me for my looks. And this is something that doesn’t form the basis of a relationship. ”
I took a deep breath and continued, “And even if you did love me, I don’t. And I can’t spend my life with someone I don’t love.”
With tears in his eyes, he said, “But I can keep you happy. Marry me.”
I could hear the threatening tone. I could hear the ‘or else’ at the end of his speech.
With anger laced voice, I said, “Or else what? You will suicide? I care a damn! I can’t marry everyone on the road who tells me to marry them or they will die. It’s your problem, not mine! It’s your life. Live or die, for all I care! I can’t marry you. Ever. If this is love for you, then I pity the girl who loves you and would marry you! Besides, after trying to suicide, you have proved that you are such a big coward. A girl likes to be protected by her love. No girl likes to have a hazy future! With you, I am always going to be scared. I am going to be feel claustrophobic. What if we get married and don’t agree on some things? What then? Are you going to force me to bend against my will or you will suicide?”
I could see that the wheels of his brain were running. He was thinking. The police and the doctor were hell shocked.
As departing words, I said, “I cannot live my life in a constant fear. If, after our marriage, you try this stunt, then my life will be spoilt. It would be ruined beyond comprehension. And I can’t do that to myself. Call me selfish, but I value my life more than I value yours. I am a real girl. Not those daily-soap ones, who are Goddesses of sacrifices. I can sacrifice, but only for the ones I love. Not for someone who claims to love me, yet doesn’t hesitate in leaving me alone forever. I don’t want someone who can die for me. I need someone with whom I can spend my entire life. And frankly, you are not the one. So, goodbye. Hope you have a nice future ahead.”
With my head held high, I walked out of the room and the hospital.
Call me selfish for all I care, but at least, I am real.
Hey friends, I am back, this time with a random abstract. This thought hit me out of the blue once. This story was written 4 years back.
I hope it could make you understand the view of a woman. I hope I could convey her emotions properly. You cannot be with someone just because they love you, you have to love them too. Sometimes, you ought to be selfish in life.
I am just an amateur writer, who tried to pen down some feelings. I hope I succeeded :) Do leave your valuable comments. It makes writing worthwhile! :)