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I Am a Stupid, Little Girl

Updated on June 19, 2013

I am a stupid little girl

Yes, that’s what I said.

Please don’t tell me not to hurl

This isn’t in my head.

It makes me sick beyond compare.

The things you say to me

The sweetest words, how you dare

manipulate, with flattery.

‘Oh, you’re so beautiful, words cannot describe’

‘You’re cute and smart and all I need’; a master of the bribe.

Like a fool, your sell, I buy

I long for love, another try.

You suck me in, as they all do

Comfort me, when it’s all new.

Once reassured and coast is clear

All alone, you leave me here.

Running around with everyone else

While I just sit here, by myself.

Apparently I haven’t learned

Time and again, I get burned.

Silly girl, who knows the truth

The signs are there, no better proof.

So why do I just sit here and let you break me down?

I’m tired of my failed attempts, trying not to drown.

You’re all the same; you come along and build me up so high.

Faking it must be so hard and soon the love does die.

Was it love, at any point, was it ever real?

It’s hard to tell with a broken heart that never gets to heal.

I don’t go ‘round looking, in search of something new.

You throw yourself at me and boy, do you pursue!

‘I’ll give you what you’ve never had; I’ll make your dreams come true’

All that does is make me mad, I’ve heard this from a few.

I’m gullible and give away all my heart to you.

You take it and you don’t stand by, those things you said you’d do.

‘I won’t break your heart, precious one’

‘Your heart’s as good as mine’

“Baby girl, I’ve got your back and that’s the bottom line’.

Never has that promise, yet, by you, or anyone

Come even close to being met, same damage always done.

I'm just a stupid, little girl for giving it a try.

I give my heart away again, and watch it slowly die.

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    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Ausseye,

      Wow, thank you! That was quite incredible! Okay, you've got me curious... I'm definitely going to travel your way. :D

      Thank you so much, I loved it!

      Cat

    • profile image

      Ausseye 4 years ago

      Hi CantAndHear....the Dreamer:

      A heart that tells life and the world a bold truth

      A soul who shows understanding and compassion

      A heart cracked not broken

      A soul strong, and oh so, so grounded

      To meet a kindred kind

      Will make the Earth shake and tremble

      Waiting for the earthquake !!!

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Ed!

      I simply adore you, thank you! I think just as highly as you, in fact, I think you’re a rare breed. A gentle man with a beautiful heart, but not a patsy… I’m sure you have callused hands! :D You absolutely made my day… and I’m so happy to have you! Huggy huggy to you!!!

      Cat

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Cherese George,

      Thank you so much! Sometimes these things just write themselves don’t they? I’m glad you could relate to this, but I hope your present is much more beautiful than the past!

      Cat

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      ahorseback 4 years ago

      I like to read some things many times to realize new reactions from myself , I wanted to say this too !, There is nothing stupid about such an awesome woman as yourself , The best of moms , the best of a poetess , and one who shares so easily ! And understands life , love and living ! You are no where near a stupid little girl sooo forgive yourself for "trying " .....just keep on being awesome ....huggy huggy !

    • Cherese George profile image

      Cherese George 4 years ago from Trinidad and Tobago

      Wow a beautiful piece of a heart that broken time and time again...i can seriously relate to this..thank you

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      Oh my goodness, you've actually got me laughing! First, in the extremely impressively length of your novel-like response... which I have to say I always get a kick out of... but then this last comment about your shoes matching! :D

      That's so crazy! I noticed somewhere in my late teens as I was attempting to by a very girly pair of heels... squeezing my feet into the smallest size they'd allow, that one fit comfortably while the other was tight. I moved up a size and found that then I had one just right and one too loose! This is when I realized that I had about a half a shoe size difference between my feet. Staring at them, I can't see it... but if I wear a pair of flip flops or sandals that fit 'just right' I usually have a foot just about trying to hang off while the other is perfect! I also noticed this about my eyes even a little before my feet. A school picture one year, it appeared as if I had one eye just barely open more than the other. I violently started thumbing through pictures to see if this was an oddity or normality. I've noticed if I keep my eyes slightly opened wider than 'normal' when I get my picture taken, in those moments that we actually know we're getting our picture taken... it is almost undetectable. Once I found this with myself, I became conscious of others and yes, I noticed it on virtually everyone... so I assumed it was just human nature. Now, after reading your Gemini connection... I'm going to pay more attention to these things.

      I have to say I'm both blown away and grateful for all the information you gifted me with. It is obvious that you certainly do your homework when you want to learn about something :D ... I have to admit... some of it was over my head, but I did understand quite a bit and what I did grasp was actually quite interesting.

      There are parts of me that, if overwhelmed, will decide I really don't need to learn about something. But, there are other times that I can't know enough and as you kind of mentioned, some is useless and I won't apologize, nor do I regret it either. I actually enjoy learning new things, even if they will not necessarily contribute anything of substance to my life, I have acquired more information and I'd hate to leave a brain idle.

      Ooh, I'm definitely going to figure out my exact day of birth as I hadn't thought of that and thought everything of importance and connections was related to the hour... which I will find out too. That reminds me... I have to call my mother :D

      Thanks Nellieanna... you're better than an encyclopedia!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      , , , ahem , , , - my FEET don't exactly match exactly, that is. Usually my shoes do start off matching, and do, at least till my feet impose their unique shapes on & in 'em. hahahaha.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Then - there are positional relationships between the various signs (and their rulers) in a person's natal chart. If they are opposite or at right angles, they tend to clash within the personality itself. If they are in the same sign or 'trine' - which is 30, 60, or 120 degrees apart, they support and enhance each other's traits, including the main effect by the planets and the signs involved in each of those particular parts of the chart.

      THEN there are 'houses' - and I never really got deeply into houses - but there are 12 houses, determined by the time & location at time of birth. "Houses" are supposed to influence things like 'self', 'value', 'home', 'pleasure' - and a bunch more - and each house shares some of the main thrust of each of the planets, such as 3rd house's sign is Gemini' and it has to do with brothers and communications, and includes higher education, intelligence, and other things. But one's 'Houses' don't relate, as in starting with one's Sun Sign. One's chart is somehow divided into houses, 1-12 - and may be located in any other part of the individual chart.

      I think what fascinated me about reading all this, rather intensely, was that the intricacy of it - and as it applied to human beings - touched on two of my favorite things! Like Chess, but with more human elements. haha. All the time, being aware that is was a "construct" - like chess or any intricate game. It's still interested me and I continue to be amazed if, when and how much PEOPLE seem to bear it out! But I don't consider it as some super-thing and certainly not in competition with deity. I just feel that everything that 'is' has some kind of value, if only to highlight contrasts with something better - which is why I am some sort of weird iconoclast. haha (ain't that just like an Aquarian?) tee hee

      Yeah - I've a tendency to probe quite thoroughly when interested - at least till I know I 'get' the idea it presents or suggests. But - no - I couldn't justify each thing I've investigated as totally of value, but neither do I regret or apologize. Have felt that knowing about something doesn't equate with championing it or 'believing in' it. It can help know how others perceive things, though, even those with whom I don't fully agree. Knowing something 'about' it helps one see how someone else may relate to it. After that takes hold in one's awareness, it's less difficult to be able to accept and allow others to see things quite differently, even if one has not real knowledge of the 'things'. Never means one should, could or will adopt the same for oneself. But why fight about it, especially without even knowing what 'it' IS!! haha. If nothing else, it can help one feel more satisfied with one's own view of it - like trying on the wrong size or style for oneself in a fitting room. It's easy to tell! haha. Nowadays one can sometimes even 'buy' a two-piece suit in two different sizes. haha - or 'mix and match'. (Sometimes I wish that were possible for shoes! haha - mine don't match exactly. hehehe)

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      The main things about the Rising Sign's influence are the more superficial things, such as external appearance (for instance, the two sides of my face don't match! haha - the effect of the Gemini "Twins" perhaps). It also may show in the kind of work the person chooses and the people with whom the person associates - more the relationship with the outside of the self, in other words.

      But your Sun sign lasts in a sign for most of a 30 day period. That's Gemini, in your case, and the positions of all the 'planets' - Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, and a new one now, Ceres -are steady as they're viewed from Earth in - or actually appearing against the background of 'their' constellations on the day of your birth, and in many cases, remaining there several days, - up to nearly a month, as in the case of the Sun, which is why there are the 12 Sun Signs and many people are born 'under' each of the signs. In astrology, no other moment of your life is as greatly influenced by the positions of the planets and constellations. Hey - I didn't invent it! haha. The daily horoscope, to me, is rather questionable, especially if it's just looking at the sun sign.

      The Sun's characteristics IN the constellation in which it's seen when you're born represents the overall personality/ character which is thought to be typical of those born under it. So usually there are some central commonalities between, say, Geminis, such as being communicative and multitasking, for a couple, but other influences prevent them from being identical.

      But each of the other 'planets' is supposed to govern other, deeper-nature kinds of characteristics which affect the overall personality. The Moon - the emotional nature. Mercury - the mind (and each sign has a ruling planet, Mercury is Gemini's - so the strong effects of the mind). Venus - feminine love nature. Mars - masculine love nature. Jupiter - generosity & magnanimity. Saturn - responsibility (hence the ponderousness!). Uranus - inventive, ground-breaking,revolutionary, surprising - a little 'off-center' actually! (it's Aquarius' ruler). Neptune - illusion, dreams. Pluto - the dark side, the underlying.

      Each person has all these planets in the zodiac chart, but each planet is highly influenced by WHICH constellation (sign) it is 'in' during the day of one's birth The most distant planets actually don't chance that position, often for generations of people on earth. The nearby planets change several time within the month period of one's birth, though astrological -astronomical periods beyond the sun don't necessary correspond to the same periods we measure on earth and, obviously, the Sun's own change of position as seen from earth doesn't really correspond to a "month" - which actually more accurately measures the moon's rotation around the Earth!

      Anyway - if one's Moon is in, say, PIsces, which a very sensitive sign, the emotional nature is more tender than if it's in a less tender sign, such as Scorpio or even Capricorn, where it would be affected and directed by the sign's main traits. In Scorpio, it would be intense, secretive, physically passionate. In Capricorn, it would be practical and responsible. Each planet 'rules' one part of the personality and each sign determines how THAT area of personality is 'played' as the person moves along being him or herself.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      The only thing determined by the exact time of your birth is your rising sign, Cat - which is probably the least revealing element of your zodiac profile. Much it reveals is easily observable, by its nature. So you could explore most of your zodiac chart without knowing that. You can also always use the best information about the rising sign you've been able to ascertain (your mom would be unlikely to make liver & onions for breakfast, less likely for lunch and more likely for the evening meal.) Won't be fully accurate so you know it is, but it would allow you to check the ascending sign charts for the day and year of your birth & see which one might best fit you in the things it would reveal. Nothing lost, even if nothing gained.

      The reason is for the fleetingness of the rising sign is that it is tracked by each hour's relationship with the sky at the precise moment of your birth. It changes moment to moment all day, enough to get through all the 12 constellations (i.e,: signs)

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      I think I just learned something... a lot of things :D I've paid attention to my sign since I knew what it was, but unfortunately, don't know the rest of the connections. When I did try to delve a little deeper, I hit a road bump when I found that I needed to know the time of my birth. I always remember my mother telling me that she was standing at the stove cooking liver and onions when she went into labor with me, icky... but that's all I've ever known or remembered. I asked her recently if she could recollect what time I was born and she referenced the liver and onions... hemmed and hawed a bit and then told me she'd have to check; pfffft!

      Anything that attempts to make a connection or correlation to personality types, I find interesting... but like you said, I am not necessarily a 'believer'. Though I must say, there are many times where these coincidental connections seem to be quite compelling.

      Like you, I to want to know everything there is to know about something when I decide to know about something :D ... I always want to know the whys and the hows, sometimes I think that's the only way I can truly absorb a concept... if I've investigated every facet involved.

      As far as any spinach... I'd have never known :D

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Ahem - 'characteristics'. . . . that is. Also, - one 'the' is enough in that one sentence. Too much spinach!

      The other two 'air' signs are Aquarius and Libra, btw.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Great reply, Cat! Your son has much going for him. I mentioned Capricorn as the characterists of that sign might relate to the practicality that may be showing through in him. We all are mixtures.

      I'm Aquarius with Gemini rising, but also with considerable Capricorn influence, which accounts for my ponderousness when it takes the driver's seat! haha. My son & one of my nieces are Gemini, which is one of the 3 "Air" signs, each of which exhibits 'air' characteristics in different ways, mostly in being quite articulate, expressive, with plenty of brainpower behind it. Capricorn is an "Earth" sign; thence, its practicality, which may even lead to being a bit 'heavy', unlike Gemini, which tends to be lighter and more transient, able to embrace more than one concept or thing at a time. All rather interesting.

      It never ceases to fascinate me when individuals' 'sign' characteristics are plainly exhibited, though I'm an observer of these things rather than any sort of 'believer'. It was simply among many 'non-fiction' subjects, (along with history, science, psychology, philosophy, religions, - even economics) - which I read voraciously during one time of my life when reading was my passion & my main outlet. In my - er - ponderous way, I left few stones unturned in finding out all I could about each subject while I was into it! haha. It's still interesting in that way.

      It gives one pause and entertainment and keeps one's mind active to consider various perspectives and 'disciplines', among all the more 'traditional' things presented to one's mind which may impact it. I confess that I sort of liked that I chose to look into some of the the more esoteric, off-the-beaten-path subjects, rather than being 'expected to' accept or to pursue subjects! Aquarius is also a 'fixed' sign. (i.e.: a bit stubborn & independent. hehe), though reasonable ;-) Anyway, choices are all among life's benefits: being able to think, consider and accept or not as we see fit - and then, alas, having their consequences happen!

      No misconception! I know you respect me - and vice-versa! It was a funny!

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      blaise25,

      Thank you! It seems once you’ve felt like this it never goes away, just gets pushed behind better feelings and so it’s all too easy to feel again when someone drops your heart. Our hearts are resilient and I am well! Thank you!

      Cat

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Thank you Ed!!! I’m comin’! :D

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Thank you Sid! Sometimes we don’t know we want love until it’s given to us; that’s when trouble starts :-)

    • blaise25 profile image

      Fehl Dungo 4 years ago from close to you...

      Oh this is so heartbreaking. It sounds so fresh but I hope it's so in the past. Hope you're well now. You write so real! Keep it up :)

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 4 years ago

      You got it Cat ! I'm holding a great big hub hug just for U!

    • SidKemp profile image

      Sid Kemp 4 years ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)

      Oh, how we want to love and to be loved, and how well you captured it.

      Yearning is eternal. Love is eternal. Lovers are unreliable!

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image
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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellianna,

      ‘How rich’; you never hear that enough! :D

      You are so right by saying I’m learning as much… and yes; more from my kids. My 15 year old niece actually needed help on homework the other day. It was in regards to the Fertile Crescent, a term that is familiar, but years away from school had left me with remembering very little about. Fortunately with my son’s ramblings… I was able to provide her with an essay’s worth of information… I giggled when I thought to myself that I had my 12 year old son to thank. :D That’s just an example… and they do teach us so much, in so many ways. My daughter, 8; she loves so innocently and without judgment… she sees things in their simpler form rather than ripping them to shreds and overanalyzing them like I. I am envious of how she does it and I try to let it rub off on me.

      Now I’ve got to clear up any misconception :D … I should’ve said it with a wink rather than a smile… I think you’ve got more n’enough brain to go around!

      Ha! I wish I could blame it on a Capricorn, but like me… he is a Gemini! :D

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Ed, that was awesome… and the do want the same thing don’t they?

      Write it away; oh Ed, it’s a deal! Thank you, beautiful man!

      Hugs,

      Cat

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Cat - how 'rich'! (my dad's adjective for really good, amusing things.)

      I key in to wanting to protect their self-esteem, for sure! It's often the most challenging of parental opportunities, with so many other influences on them.

      Yes, bright kids can be challenging! Be glad they seek your counsel, though. You're learning as much as, - or more than - they, perhaps, about how they think and what they value, find interesting & worth pursuing. Comes in handy for a parent to get those insights straight from them!

      haha - The 'one-meat' category, too hilarious! Even more so with you going along with it! hehe

      Gotta clear up any misconception: - I'm quite dual brained, actually, one degree 'more' on the left side . :-D You are right though;- even so, I give it my all! lol

      OHMYGOSH - the name switches for gifts! haha. Maybe you've a frugal shopper on your hands, buying one of 'those' which he perceives 'fits' the recipient - but no weight given to whose name is already etched on it. It will be no less usable! haha - S-m-a-r-t kid. Is he a Capricorn? ;-)

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      haha ! Shan, I have, I did, I do and need to buy more! lol ;-)

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 4 years ago

      Once in a while I read something that says, " how can man and woman be soo far apart ,when we want the same thing .?" Beats me girl ! But you say it all right here ! So lets you and I "write this all away ", you write and I'll read .And we will know each other well !.....Ed

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      I think I'm safe from being 'uptight', in fact, my parenting might be a little too loose at times... but I definitely worry a bit, probably more than I should at times... and I'm more concerned with not damaging their self-esteems than random childhood misconceptions. I swear; my oldest is 12 and you'd have thought by now all those 'why' questions would've slowed down... but boy oh boy... I think they're speeding up! Now they're about philosophies and geographies and any other phies and isms you can imagine; lol... sometimes when I see his mouth start forming the 'wh' sound.... I want to run away screaming! :D ... Part of the problem is I just don't know all of life's answers myself and even when I give him a long thorough explanation on a subject I feel quite knowledgeable about, he follows it with yet another WHY? lol I GIVE UP! :D

      The meatloaf story; ha ha... that's too funny. My daughter picks a meat and then that's what she calls all meat! Every night is chicken... even when it's pork :D lol.... Now, even on a porkchop night; I say 'Zandria, get eating your chicken' :-)

      Actually, being monocranialistic... I value your opinion even more, because you are working harder with less :D lol

      Fragile? Oh my goodness, that's hilarious... I'll so have to check out that hub. That's funny, my simple brother bought my father a personalized calculator for Christmas when he was a kid; except, he didn't realize it was personalized and it said "Cheryl" ... he later explained he thought it was the brand! Ha ha... Simple? Here's another one... he bought my mom a magnet that says "Gladys's Kitchen" ... here name is Debbie! lol :D

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Aw, just eat your spinach and like it. :D

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      OOPS - I meant I didn't think you were trying to disprove me, not you.

      Also - "kid's assumptions" - not "kids assumptions".

      blblblblb. . . . - must have crossed over the hump from rational to frazzled. haha - I'd better not read it any more - the spinach crop is just too dazzling! :-)

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh-h-h- yes, Cat. Those unspoken confusions kids have are ever-happening. It's not a biggie, but when my son was about 12 or 13, I realized that he thought meatloaf was a really tasty, tender cut of beef! haha. I'd had no clue that this idea had been 'in there' because he had no doubt of it, and had no reason he could see to check out his conclusion. It finally just 'came out' casually and hit me in the head! It was sure-enough a clue that kids impressions are accepted by them, usually without questioning! No telling what other inaccuracies he had assumed and accepted. And the kid was exceptionally bright! That may have contributed to his own acceptance that his assumption WAS reliable & right! haha.

      Parents can only do so much to prevent such misconceptions. But I guess that running it through a filter in one's own mind to check for loopholes in things we put out, rather than being too thoughtless or expecting it to be understood, does help. Actually it is wise to give a little thought to how we are presenting things when communicating with anyone, but not so as to become uptight about it - just not being careless in our presentation.

      I surely recall many instances of speaking 'off the top of my head' and regretting it later. I also remember many times mixed signals were given which, as a child, I didn't know how to interpret, but formed an erroneous one anyway.

      No, no - I didn't think for a moment you were trying to disprove you. I'm grateful to know the facts! I won't be leaving that misinformation any more now! It's like it was a chunk of spinach in my teeth!! :-) hehe - well, I assure you, your cranium is fully functioning, as it appears from here! Just hope that observation doesn't lose value in light of my monocranialism. hahahaha.

      Tee hee - how funny about your daughter's middle name and all that led up to it - and followed since! haha. It's not the same but a bit like my naming my new doll "Fragile" because that's what it said on the mailing box! I even wrote a hub about it, titled 'a doll named fragile' - which contains some other thoughts, as well.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Yikes! I must have crossed my i's and dotted my t's with that one. I've no idea how that got so twisted up. I did mean I resist and refuse most headaches. I guess the keyboard took over somehow, though now - 2 days later, I dunno what happened. Whew!

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Nellieanna, I"m sorry but I can't make heads or tails of that. You still in need of another cuppa coffee? You resist the headaches? If so, that makes sense. What about the stopping place? Was I not supposed to comment or did the keyboard become your stopping place?

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      That is so true; the differences between children and teenagers. Now that I’ve come to realize this in my adulthood and particularly as a parent, I try to be so very careful as to how I approach all things ‘child-related’. One of the scariest parts is that in the innocence and ignorance, the ugly truth is undetectable and it often presents itself later in life. So we are unable to see the damage we might be causing in the here and now because there is no immediate negative reaction. I knew there were some ‘off’ things while I was growing up, but as they made sense to me and came to light in my adulthood, it was a lot of overwhelming epiphanies all at once. I think I’m recovering :-) but in retrospect, it’s been a learning experience because I am very aware now and it makes me conscious of the way I handle almost everything.

      I feel like a butthead! I certainly wasn’t trying to disprove you… I actually was that curious what it was you suffered from, particularly before I responded and so I just did a quick little Google number. At any rate, either sound to be difficult to deal with. I did laugh quite hard at the mono-cranial though… if that were the case, I’d hate to think of what I am; partial-cranial… on a good day? Lol

      ‘Who’s in a name?’ I like that. I look at it all very much differently now.

      Did I tell you my daughter’s middle name is ‘Girl’? Yes, that’s what it is… her brother picked it :D ha ha ha! I was allowing him to pick her first name, you know, between struggling to come up with a name myself and wanting him to feel a part of the new baby coming… he couldn’t get the concept that yes, she is going to be a girl, but we need to find a name for her… so what should we call your sister? … for 2 weeks he kept repeating ‘girl’…. I said “Okay… girl it is!” She’s 8 and still mad at me :D

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Thank you, Shan. . . .I resist and refuse most of those beastly things a stopping place here!! :-)

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Oh, dear, Nellieanna, as I've warned Cat, that passing out on the keyboard thing is most uncomfortable. Hope you don't have too much of a headache when you wake. ;-)

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Ah, Shan, - yes, I understand. It's almost one of those 'insider jokes' where the insider is very familiar with the arid area and the effects of it. It doesn't have to be accurate to achieve mathematical exactitude in order portray that concept if it's 'there' and if not, it may not be portrayable, no matter what words or visualizations are brought to the task!

      Let me clarify that Amistad Lake is 70 or so miles from the ranch, whose pictures I probably posted which you have seen. My ranch area has NO natural surface water closer than the Pecos River and the Rio Grande river, each being at least 60 of so miles away. All it has are the man-made troughs and a tank for water pumped from deep under the ground, providing the pump is working and the Rio Grande (rural) Electric Company is sending out electricity over hundreds of miles of lines!

      It's probably pretty unlike any other part of Texas you've seen. . . not as desert as the Sahara, but desert compared to anyplace with surface water puddles, ponds, or lakes!

      (nighty-night. Really going to do it!! y-a-w-n . . . z-z-z-z-z-z----------)

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Cat - OH - I was silly and dumb as a teenager, plus not as happy as I might have been due to various changes in everything, changes which I didn't really prefer, and not only in the physical & hormonal sense! But maybe that's the definition of 'teenage'! haha. In retrospect, though, I see significant differences in the two perspectives, childhood and teenage. Teenage is mixed up but thinks it's right-on and is constantly being challenged and frustrated in this erroneous assumption! Childhood doesn't know, & doesn't know it doesn't know - and is relatively happy in this ignorance.

      Oops. Maybe my term, (and it has been being applied as my own term) - "monocular" has been wrong all along! It just seemed clear that 'mono' = 'one'; 'ocular' = 'eye'. Seemed simple enough: I have one working eye. But It never occurred to me to look it up, because maybe what it means is: 'interchangeably-one-working-at-a-time-out-of-the-two eyes' - so obviously, the other one could become the working one at some point for some reason. . . Maybe I'm mono-cranial, too!! ROFL

      Right, we're each our own worst enemies. Almost 'goes with the territory' of being human beings struggling to "become" in the fullest sense and not usually quite 'there', doesn't it?

      Yes, 'what's in a name?' could just as easily be: "who's in a name?"! One doesn't question whether a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, - because the rose IS who it IS from bud to 'done' with no complicated psychological 'isness' to achieve. Not so with us humans struggling along our paths!

      Your'e just kind and generous, Cat! Spinach could easily be my middle name, or -broccoli, kale, collards, - dark green stuff one can get stuck in one's teeth. hehe! :-)

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Alrighty then, Nellieanna. I was a little uncertain if it was a literal joke or not, as I know the dessert can be quite dry. I'm sure the lake is gorgeous. Some of the pics you've posted of the area display gorgeous views!

      Cat, I know you're joking! Though, I can't say that I don't feel the urge to beat mine every now and then ;)...just kidding. Sad, but I usually have to resort to either a yell or a death stare before I can even make a point. hehe....Actually, counting usually is the most effective method.

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Shan, Mother's comment that I'd seen rain only twice was a factual exaggeration, - an effort to make a 'funny', - and at the same time, an effort to 'visually' characterize the actual dryness of that climate. At the ranch the average annual rainfall is only 11 inches, and not much more in Del Rio. The difference in the verdure of the two locations is due to the fact that for hundreds of yrs., Del Rio is fed - and has been fed for hundreds of years, with no end in sight by an enormous ongoing gushing natural spring pouring tons of water out of the ground. There's one of the country's largest and deepest lakes nearby, Amistad Reservoir, which lies partly in Texas and partly in Mexico, with an International border marker on top of its dam. It's a gorgeous lake with clear blue water and sheer white cliffs rising from it.

      Me too; - I always love it when ice skating competition if on. Yikes -What a fall you had! I didn't even roller skate! Part of my depth perception issue, perhaps; - that, & frequency of being broken when I fell. Sometime I was a risk taker, but on very selective basis. Whizzing along on ice or concrete seemed a clearly negative choice for my situation!

      I guess I've led a protected life. I've never met anyone else who knows about 'outies'. I don't know how generally known it is or isn't, come to think of it.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Yes... that's why I'm joking :D lol, no seriously... I don't beat my kids... I just don't have the heart. You're very right! Never turn your back :D

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Haha! Well, yeah, except that that's frowned upon. But I learned "Get down, you're gonna fall" works better than "be careful", which always seemed to translate to "be a daredevil" and climb higher or balance more precariously.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      shan,

      Yes, like... if you don't stop pulling your sister's hair I'm going to knock your lights out! :D Short and sweet and to the point? :D

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Perhaps. "They" do say to guard your heart. But, as it pertains to kids, it's easier to just directly say what you want them to do and why.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Shan,

      Yes it is the best medicine and while there is beauty and wonder... the sounds I make and the face that go with it... well.... that's questionable :D

      Hey, what a great idea! Yeah, maybe careful is not such an appropriate word for kids... maybe careful should apply to the heart?

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Haha! Laughter really is the best medicine. :) It's a beautiful sound and a wonderful feeling.

      But, you know what just occurred to me? You're speaking with Nellieanna about children not understanding "be careful" and I remember telling my oldest that when he was a toddler - until it occurred to me that he really had no idea what the concept of "careful" really was. So, now I say things like "get down from there before you fall." LOL Or - if I really don't want them playing in certain places I can say things like "there's a snake in there." ;)

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Aw shan.... now you've got me smiling, but I'm trying not to cry! :-)

      Hey... you've made me laugh so much the last couple of weeks, I'd forgotten what it's like to have stomach cramps! :D

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      There's always a reason to smile, and you're one of them. :)

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      That's my point; I didn't do anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyything wah wah wah wah wah! :-(

      We definitely have to catch up.... and I hope you're finding a reason to smile today!

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      What have you got to feel worse about? You didn't do anything. Love ya, too. :)

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      FullOfLoveSites,

      Thank you, I’m sorry you can relate… I’ll have to come your way and see if I can fill up on love :-)

      Thanks so much!

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Mercuryservices,

      Thanks Alex… an ‘extra thing’; I like that! Yes, it definitely comes with plenty distraction and dead ends! Thanks for coming by the house of gloom :-)

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      shanmarie,

      Now I'm feeling even worse... what a week; I just can't get 10 minutes! Arghhhhhh matey! :D I hope your day is better today! Love ya!

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      FullOfLoveSites 4 years ago from United States

      Achingly beautiful poem... I could relate to this. :)

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      Alex Munkachy 4 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

      Good one, voted up. Love is kind of like an extra thing, a dessert. It can also be a distraction, a dead end.

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      You're so sweet. Don't feel horrible. I don't think I sent an email, so definitely don't feel bad about that either. I'm around on FB until I go to bed, which might actually be kind of soon, seeing as how I have a bit of a headache.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Oh Shan, you're going to make me feel horrible!!! I'm trying so hard to get over to you and I caught a glimpse of an email when I first logged on, but apparently my email decided to make updates today and the format stinks... my page numbers are gone so I can't jump back 2 pages deep! If I don't get to you tonight... I'll definitely have to call you tomorrow, but if you really need me or anything... just fb me or something, okay? I love ya, hang in there girly.

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      lol, Cat. I'm rotten company tonight anyway. :p

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Hi Shan dear! Bear with me... I'm trying :p

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      I'm never good at making myself clear :D ... you however, made it perfectly clear you were 7 when jumped into that hole and I did remember. I guess you're right though, there is a difference between the carelessness of a young child and the ignorance of a teenager, both of which I had my fair share of participating in. I suppose making it to adulthood is probably a miracle for most of us!

      I do remember you mentioning your depth-perception issues and monocular vision... which I assumed meant you could only see from one eye, but as I researched found that you see from each eye separately? I can't imagine how you even got around... it all sounds so confusing to me. I guess we take things like simple vision, for granted when we don't realize how many issues we could have.

      Yes umbilical hernias, that's it... wow, both your kids had them? That's too bad your daughter struggled with hers and I can imagine, the evidence of it's existence made your daughter self-conscious... though we are our own worst enemies aren't we?

      How interesting about Dyane's name! I was named after my grandmother, whose middle name is Catherine and though I was honored by the connection... I felt, growing up, I had an outdated name and swore I would change it someday. I had enough people change it for me over the years... which is ironic because you have an entire hub and philosophy dedicated to that issue :D

      I suspected Texas was 'good' for it's prejudices, but Southern Indiana; that must've been an experience... it's wonderful you had such understanding and loving parents our you could've had a much different life experience! My parents didn't say much either way, but in that, they didn't damage my outlook and fortunately, the one I developed has worked out quite well! :D

      If you had any spinach... I never noticed :D

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      She stayed with me for awhile. She just climbed up with me and I tried to carry on a conversation, but I sure was dizzy and things were fuzzy. No, I did not go to the ER. My dad was asleep on the couch because he worked nights and I guess my mom was gone. I remember telling him I hit my head, but I don't think it ever really registered with him how bad it was. I mentioned it several months ago and he said he didn't remember, not like that anyway. He said if I would've told him I'd passed out, he would've taken me to the ER.

      That's funny that you'd seen rain only twice. I'd like to take the children up north during the winter months to take them sledding if it snows. They've seen it, but it isn't the same in TX, not even up here in north TX where it will sometimes accumulate for a day or two.

      Ice skaters are graceful and I enjoy watching them, even the competitions, but I cannot do it very well. My ankles are too weak, I guess. Last time I tried, it wasn't pretty. Except that I didn't fall backwards and hit my head - more like forward and nearly on my face.

      Oh, and I have a hard time believing you never met anyone else that knows what an outie is. My brother had one. I really didn't think it was that unknown.

      Cat, hope your visit with your brother was fun. :)

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Major glob of spinach: should be 'self-conscious', not '. . .conscuous'!

      E-E-E-K!

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Dear Cat - I'll bet you did encounter much 'carelessness' and its consequences as an EMT!

      Just in the interest of clarification, also: I was much younger than teenage when I resisted the warnings to 'be careful'. By the time I was a teenager, my compensatory skill had kicked in and was operating to help manage mobility, whle lacking depth perception. I bet it's a bit incomprehensible for dual-sighted people to imagine how flat a 'flat screen' projected on one's retina by only one seeing eye reality really IS. Of course, I've had no other view than the flat one all my life & can only imagine and sort of reason-out what dual vision must be like! I'm sure my eye condition contributed to my parents' being even more eager to try to teach me to be 'careful'! They could hardly (as most of us parents know) just trust to dumb luck to protect me! But maybe that did end up protecting me! ;-) As it was, compensation skill for it just developed as my body's natural adjustment to that 'mild' handicap. Being coupled with delicate bones as a child might also have prompted that self-adjustment. All my early broken bones were before I was 9 or 10. I do marvel at the human body/mind's ability to heal itself or else to make whatever adjustments it can as needed to be efficient and safe! We often are unaware what an amazing 'system' we have going for us!

      Still, when young, I could not comprehend the idea of deliberately 'trying to' be careful! I'm more aware of it now; - as you say, one's brain matures to be able to be more aware of & to better utilize our capacity for being aware of and avoiding dangers and their consequences. I'd had plenty of experience with consequences, but I'll admit I hadn't consciously made the full connection between my own actions which set them in motion yet! Kids seem to think that things 'just happen', don't they? Either that, or some 'monster' or 'boogie bear' is making them happen. haha

      The concept that these things that happen are almost always the result of one's carelessness or one's own choices and/or series of choices doesn't dawn on an immature mind! As one grows up, this misconception should be replaced with awareness of one's responsibility in everything that befalls, from its onset through its conclusion or its ongoingness! That doesn't always happen, however, and certainly not always in time or with sufficient clarity to help us sidestep many of the disasters in which we find ourselves. sigh - BTDT~ :-/ Oh, well. Life proceeds and we catch up a little! :-]

      How interesting! I've never met anyone with awareness of umbilical hernias - (outies), which BOTH my children had at birth!! My son's responded to the 'band' treatment & became a normal 'inny'. My daughters was so serious and unresponsive to treatments that they finally had to 'sew it up', leaving a large scar where her belly-button had been. I'm sure it may still bug her, even as a grandmother. The tissue around it was weak, you see, so they had to reach out further to find tissue able to hold the stitches. Her incision looked more like an appendectomy scar - or worse. When old enough to be self-conscuous ,she was too embarrassed to wear a 2-piece bathing suit, let alone a bikini! She was the sweetest baby, though, and seemed to take any and all her infant health issues in stride. She'd had that awful allergy to lanolin which was long in being diagnosed &involved many unpleasant sulfur treatments before it was identified, while she still was getting baby products containing lanolin!

      Actually the name we gave her was Mary Diane. Mary was her paternal grandmother's name and Diane was sort of a combination our our names. We always called her Diane. Later she chose the 'new' spelling, which has stuck ever since. :-)

      Yes, I agree that early conditioning about anything 'different' ,'foreign' or 'other' in people tends to stick all too well. Though it was non-existent in my family, still, - living in the South - and in Texas, many general sensitivities in our surroundings were often quite biased or prejudicial. The only references to any of that from my parents was simply by way of 'caution', so as to not stir up volatile hornet's nests of opinions, knowing as they did, of such opinions even among extended (in-law) families here.

      My children grew up in an entirely different atmosphere, in Southern Indiana, where, I was to find, more prejudice than I'd ever seen in the south, and where we were emerged in it, though we didn't bring it into our own home - our 'home' WAS the wide scope of the family there and noone from my background but I to buffer any of it; not an easy matter for many contributing factors beyond that one point of departure.

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Dear Shan - of course you didn't do it on purpose!! What a scary experience for you, being knocked out and awakening dizzy and disoriented! So, armed with your own ice for your injured head, you almost had another accident climbing onto your top bunk! Whew! What did the neighbor girl do when she found you nursing your head and trying to avoid falling asleep? Were you taken to ER or did she stay with you to be sure you were all right? What a scare!

      You realize, I never saw a solid sheet of ice till I was fully grown; - as a kid, no ice at all except at the 'Ice Depot' in large blocks to be used on freight trains for refrigeration and delivered to homes in our town for the same purpose! We had an 'icebox' - not a refrigerator. ICE was the only element involved for keeping food cool and fresh! :-) At the ranch - there was NO refrigeration OR ice. Mother would cover the produce we brought with us from town with damp 'tea-towels' in tubs which she set on the screened-in porch where they could get the prevailing breeze. When they were used up - or dried up - that was all the fresh produce we had for the whole summer. The garden had only onions and hot peppers. They liked the hot sun, didn't require much water & rabbits & deer didn't prefer them! I developed a taste for them, though! I'd sit in that rocky garden and gobble onions and hot peppers like they were candy! Mother would make cottage cheese out of whatever left-over milk from each day's milking there was. I didn't really like raw, warm milk much. They'd tempt me by adding a little coffee to it! I guess she'd boil all the hens' eggs we didn't eat or she didn't use in baking. None of that was my problem as a kid. It all seemed 'normal' and quite fun, in fact. I have many incredibly lovely magical memories of those summers out there!

      I was 10 before I saw any snow,- which melted before it hit the ground, I remember being amazed that it came down in such small flakes and wondering how it could ever actually cover the ground, being so tiny. I'd imagined it coming down by the bucketful! I may have mentioned that Mother, relating my first snow to her friends, added that "She's seen rain twice, though!" hehe

      She herself knew snow, frozen ponds and ice rinks as a girl and young woman. She'd been a good skater in her youth in northern Indiana and Illinois. She still had her skates among her keepsakes. She taught me to admire ice skaters.

      Speaking of that Ice Depot - it wasn't far from where we lived (nothing in Del Rio was very far from anything else!). We kids used to go over there and beg for 'snow' - i.e.: shavings from their slicing up the ice into the right sized blocks for the various uses. They's give us bags full of it, which we'd run home with to make our own snow-cones AND to add to washtubs full of cool water to sit in wearing our bathing suits in Del Rio's HOT summer weather - no A/C, of course. It was such fun in those tubs. Each of us had one and we'd splash each other and be so silly. We could really raise quite a water-fight from our little wash-tubs! Fun.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Brother Bear!!! :D

      You need to finish it? My heart'll be healed by then :D

      You should about be to New York by now? Yipee! Maybe we can get out the Clarkson albums! :D

      Love ya!

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      Derek 4 years ago from Harper's Ferry

      Another good one I must say. Lots of feelings, and I have noooo idea who it is referring to...lol! I am guessing a certain somebody never gets on here. Anyways, good writing, I need to finish it though sorry! Oh and another good song I must say...even though its Clarkson lol! Good lyrics...

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      It's funny the way you talked about kids 'trying to be careful' ... isn't it what us mother's say and children pay no mind too? "Careful, well I'm certainly not looking to get hurt... geesh!" ha ha That reminds me of my EMT training. The instructor told us that teenagers through to young adults are so commonly injuried and unfortunately, tragically die because there is that underdeveloped part of the brain that doesn't full grasp the concept of death as finite thing, nor do they truly understand the reality of consequences. I have been an EMT for something like 11 years and that age group absolutely keeps us busy and they are usually extreme type injuries.

      Yes, shortly after my daughter started walking it seemed her legs/feet straightened out... so it makes you wonder, was any of that necessary? I guess I also had an 'outie' bellybutton and back in those days they used the 'bellybutton bands'? I still have that contraption too, a stretchy belt with a door stopper on it? ha ha... My nephew, back a couple of years ago was born with such a huge outie and I told my brother and sister-in-law about the 'band' that I had and they asked their doctor about it and he said they don't use them anymore. He had that for years and I'm not sure that he doesn't have it now, though he turned 12 with my son this year. It was so big in fact, when my son and him were taking a bath years ago, about the age of 3, my son said.. "'Cousin' why do you have two hooeies?" Ha ha... I'm sure you can get where I'm coming from :D

      Dyane, what an interesting spelling. I've never heard of such a contraption either... I would suspect they've done away with those as well?

      Determination is certainly a good quality to have and how great that you get to think back to your father in moments that it's tested.

      As far as the preconception thing goes... I hardly thought it was worth a mention because I didn't figure you'd have thought I was insinuating anything of the sort... just wanted to clarify. I must say though, growing up in a village of 5 streets in rural Upstate, New York... I wasn't exposed to any other race until I was in my teens. Even then, there was only one or two students of a different race at a time in my school, so I was certainly not very exposed myself, but I was fortunate to have parents like yours who didn't damage my mind with any prejudices, though I did hear them from others. I have never been subjected to that and I consider myself lucky because when it's put in your head as a child, it must be hard to rewire... and I'm teaching my kids the right way.

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Ha! Or course I didn't smack my head on the ground on purpose! And sliding on ice is only fun until one falls backwards like on a banana peel and knocks herself plum out when she hits her head on the ground. I woke up seeing those proverbial stars, all dizzy, and my sister looking down on me begging me to wake up. No idea how long I was actually "out", but I went inside and got my own ice. Then I nearly fell down trying to climb up to the top bunk of the bunk beds, which was mine, so that I could nurse my headache. At least I knew enough not to go to sleep, and thankfully the neighbor girl came back over to our house before I fell back asleep.

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Haha, Cat - I suppose that 'horrific' and 'healing' reference to the same process does sound a bit of an oxymoron, though not one would always realize. hehe

      I don't know about being a 'tough cookie'. I suppose kids tend to just accept life as it happens, mainly. Doesn't seem to be much of a choice at those ages. I remember being cautioned to "be careful" and wondering how in the world can one do that? Good grief, I thought, - it wasn't as if I'd intentionally done any of it to hurt myself or had tried to be careless! So how can one try to be careful? thought I! I truly did ponder that. Stirrings of self-discipline may have rippled subcutaneously, but not so's anyone could notice, haha! Then I would think of the dangerous situations that did NOT result in injury and wonder if those were due to anything different I'd done! Could never pinpoint anything! tee hee

      That accident you were in, being hit in your car by an SUV and being dragged through traffic . . . now THAT sounds like a really horrific experience! Yikes, girl! :-{

      And the pigeon toes: - how great that they were remedied. One would have to wonder whether you'd have grown out of it without the extreme treatment. That really is 'something' that your daughter just grew out of hers. There do seem to be different attitudes these days, medically. One thing noticeable is that doctors often seem to be asking the patients for their own diagnoses!

      Reminds me of my daughter Dyane's legs when she was little. One foot and ankle turned outward, so she had to wear special very expensive shoes with the sole on that side built-up to help turn her foot - and her ankle would follow - back into proper alignment. The shoes were black leather, weren't especially pretty, but not ugly either. They had several buckled straps across the arch, and weren't 'high tops' like some of the ugly shoes I remember wearing as a kid. I remember polishing her special shoes every single night so that, at least, they'd always look neat and very well-groomed.

      Oh, yes. Mother was determined. I always thought the woman could do ANYTHING! I've shared the story before, about overhearing my parents talking about me when I was no more than 3 or 4. Dad was saying,"She's a VERY determined little girl!" At the time I wasn't too sure it was or was meant as a compliment . . . perhaps not. But I cannot tell you how many times those words have come back to me in times of difficulty and challenge: "I'm a very determined little girt!" - and have braced me to face the situation with determination & courage. I always silently say, "Thank you, Daddy."

      No, no, no! I didn't for a moment think you'd implied any preconceptions or prejudice toward African-Americans! I was just so aware of never having before encountered anyone of that ethnicity prior to my first such encounter, and it's always seemed almost unique in this country not to have met someone African American by the time one is 7. I was just clarifying that rather amazing circumstance, which, in the way, has always been the highlight of the story for me. It definitely impressed me favorably! But I doubt if I'd have thought much differently, in any case. My family didn't have those prejudices so I wasn't exposed to them, though I did hear those rather ugly underhanded kinds of racist remarks that may pervade some locations in the U.S., in some homes of my friends back then, - which I'd chew on, wonder why and feel rather nauseated by them, even when quite young.

      hehe - Phew! is right! :-)

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Shan - that doesn't sound like a lot of fun - knocking yourself out sliding on ice - - ! WOW! Was the purposefulness the sliding or the knocking out??? I can only imagine what might have prompted either! ;-}

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Dim Flaxenwick,

      Ha ha... thank you for your exciting and supportive comments! You really made me laugh out loud... see, I'm not sad anymore! :D

      Thank you so much!

      Cat

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      Dim Flaxenwick 4 years ago from Great Britain

      Oh! That feeling that : I am a stupid little girl.........NO NO NO KILL IT!! I wish I could come along and shoot the b.........

      Your writing is beautiful despite the sadness of its content.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      I can't even imagine what that must've been like, going through that horrific healing process (almost sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?) Then to only break more bones... you must've been a tough cookie, even then! I played with a lot of boys growing up, particularly because of my brothers... no sisters. I've done just about every silly thing a child could and up 'til just a few years ago, I ran around squawking about how I made it through my entire childhood, never having broke a bone. Then... just a little over 2 years ago, I (in my car) got pummeled by an SUV, dragged across a few lanes of traffic and a couple medians and broke my arm in the accident. I was in my mid-twenties and having a casted arm and limited capabilites was extremely frustrating.

      Second... I have to mention, as you spoke about the healing process with your leg, I was reminded of something else. When I was a baby, it was 'determined' that I was going to be pigeon-toed and boy oh boy, the things they did in the 80's to correct it! My legs were in casts for a while, in an attempt to straighten them out (and I still have the little casts :-) , then... I wore this awkward contraption that was something like a pair of shoes with a bar that kept them connected, after that, I had to wear my shoes on the wrong feet for a while; remember those little hard, white baby shoes? These are things I only know from pictures and stories, as I was obviously too young to have a memory of any of it and I'm not pigeon-toed in the slightest. Here's the funny part. My daughter, born in 2005, seemed to have something of a 'pigeon-toed problem'. I took her off to the doctor and said 'Well, what do we do?', he said, "Nothing". Seriously? He explained that there is no corrective procedure for such a thing and it's all simply a matter of whether the hips turn the right way or not, which he said usually comes around the time of puberty. So you mean to tell me, I went through all that for nothing? :D Apparently, my hips turned the right way.... and so did my daughter's, though she's only 8, she's already not 'pigeon-toed'. In't that somethin' ? ha ha.

      By the way, your mother's determination is admirable and I'm guessing some of that rubbed off on you :D

      By the way, again... I hope I didn't sound that I was implying you had some kind of preconceived notion about african-americans... though, looking back, that is probably what it sounded like. I shouldn't have said a 'new' perspective but a great first impression? And I'm not apologizing... it's hard to always say what you're trying to say through a computer, but I want you to know I think highly enough of you and your character that I wouldn't have suspected you would've been racist or prejudice or anything to that affect. :D

      Phew!

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Yeah. . . I do remember you telling me about your mom not accepting that you wouldn't walk normally. I just didn't realize the broken leg you spoke of was from falling in the hole. I was so not an adventerous or dare devil as a kid. Most I did was knock myself out sliding on ice purposefully.

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Shan - I think it's the first time I've ever fully described the scene and its aftermath and effects all at the same time! It just came out spontaneously in response to Cat's mention of another kind of emotional hole one can fall into. Thank you for your input about my story & your sweet compliment!

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      It is funny when one stops to really think about it. I think 'whole-nuther' is a among southern idiomatic expressions, like "fixin' to". I seldom say 'whole-nuther' aloud and when using it in writing, it lightens up any too-proper-English. So much of the first half of my life, I read more than I spoke aloud so that my style may come out rather 'bookish' at times. There are various more proper ways to express those meanings conveyed by the slangier words. It's a choice; and often the slangier words may convey fine-tuned intentions being expressed best. At least, they sometimes feel so.

      Let's just say that it was a very vivid experience, jumping in that hole! But, no, it wasn't my only bone-breaking experience. I broke one arm just slipping on a wet sidewalk, walking home from school, and the other arm when I got too ambitious and decided to try jumping from a swing still in motion. But the leg was the worst and scariest. My right foot was so twisted in the fall, it didn't look like either it or my leg would ever be straight and normal again, which was the doctor's prognosis. One reason it broke and bent, though, was that my bones were rather soft, so Mother's determination that I should be able to walk normally overruled the doctor's prediction. She took me to a chiropractor who taught her how to apply her own weight and pressure on my leg over time to straighten it, and it worked, though the treatment was almost as painful as the original injury, plus it had to be repeated several time a day over a duration of time. How long that was, I really don't remember. It was long, though. All in all, it definitely became a springboard or cornerstone for some of my attitudes. I wouldn't recommend it as one, however!

      Yes, it seemed a bit of a miracle how I was rescued. I'd had no actual perspective about african americans to begin with,though. What it gave, I think, was my initial perspective, hardly stirking me as anything other than especially good, kind folks who help people. And never having encountered any real-live angels before, it was my initial impression of them, as well! :-)

      So many things seem to mold us into who we are and become, don't they? I'll bet most people have life experiences in childhood and all along which might as easily go either way, but somehow it's the better way that endures, after all.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      ocfireflies,

      Thank you Kim! I’m so happy to hear you like the title as I like it for the dramatic feeling it has and yes, in some moments; it is easy to feel just that! I have been a little apprehensive about it though as I’m not trying to portray negativity, you know what I mean?

      Thank you so much, it’s always a pleasure to see you! :-)

      Best Always,

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      First... 'a whole-nuther'; so that's how to do it? :D Just the other day, I was writing and as the words came from my brain to my fingers I thought... 'wait... that's not a workd... a whole-nuther' ... it took me a minute to realize what I was actually trying to convey in actual proper English; it was actually funny the way I struggeled until I came up sith something like 'that's another' ... but it doesn't have quite the same feeling :D Anyway, it's funny, I say it out loud and in my head all the time, but writing it is different. I've never seen in typed before... that's too funny.

      Second, and of much more importance; what a story?!?! What a tragic story, but I suppose there's some good that came from it, as you found a lesson from it and turned it into something positive, which seems to be 'how you roll' ;-) I actually grabbed my mouth, wide opened and jaw dropped as I read how you jumped into that horrible hole and shattered your leg? I cannot even fathom the feelings you must've had while in that hole! Your poor little child. That does seem like a bit of a miracle, about the man that saved you. You have to wonder if there are more to these things than just coincidences. I'm guessing it gave you a new perspective of the otherwise unknown african-american people. Angels don't come in colors, I guess. I hope that was your only bone-breaking experience, as you mentioned you were fragile... I'd hate to think you had to go through that very often.

      What an interesting story, thank you for sharing it with me and I will definitely check out your "When Lightning Strikes" hub soon.

      Thanks Nellieanna!

      Hugs,

      Cat

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      ocfireflies 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Cat,

      I love this poem. I love the title and how you bring the reader full circle.

      Nicely done! I believe the strength of poem lies in the way in which you are able to create the feeling of intensity so many of us have felt at one time or the other. Voted Up!

      Best Always,

      Kim

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      I remember you mentioning your angel and that hole, but this is the first telling of it that I've been privy to (even though you were speaking to Cat in this instance). That story could be a hub, thanks for sharing it! And thank you for being an angel yourself. :)

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      You make me smile. The metaphorical imagery of 'the holes' you sometimes fall into brought to mind a whole-nuther (no pun intended) early experience of my life with an actual physical hole I'd fallen into!

      I was 7 and was playing with the neighborhood kids where we shouldn't have been playing, surely. A colonial-style house was being built on a near-by street (where later my family moved right across that street from that house when it was fully built.) The foundation holes for the line of high pillars on front were in process of being dug and readied for being filled with concrete and whatever metal rods and beams were needed to support the pillars, which would, of course, support the extended roof over the front porch beneath it.

      In fact, all the holes were finished to their 8-feet depth except one, which had only reached about 2 feet in depth when the workers had gone home for that day.

      The daredevil playmates were all running, one by one as each one joined in the fun, and jumping in that shallow hole, crouching down, screaming that they'd jumped into a deep one, before finally standing up, hollering that they were OK - and scrambling out of there! It was all 'in good fun' and everyone was having fun doing it. Nellie Anna, normally conditioned to automatically compensate for monocular eyesight, lack of depth perception and fragile bones which easily broke when I'd misjudged a distance or obstacle, NOT being really the daredevil but, still, wanting to be & being amply challenged to give it a try - ran and jumped, - but missed the mark and landed at the bottom of an 8 foot hole.

      I'll NEVER forget the feeling. The loose dirt walls of the cylindrical hole, crumbling at the slightest touch, were steep, - straight from the top 8 feet down to the bottom of the, maybe, 3 feet-in diameter hole which had become my prison.

      It was after workers had left for the day, so the light was fast fading and there were only silly kids around to hear my screams and they would assume I was 'playing'. I'd landed on my right leg, which was shattered from ankle to knee, so I couldn't move. I screamed and screamed but, of course, the kids thought I was just playing and putting them on and they were laughing with glee.

      I guess finally one of them must have realized that I hadn't emerged laughing, as all the others had done. They ran over finally, and finding a ladder the workers had left lying about, slid it down to the bottom and instructed me to climb up and out. Of course, I couldn't, with my shattered leg.

      I just lay there, feeling I'd met my doomsday. I don't recall exactly whether I cried, screamed, or both - or just accepted my fate and lay there in pan.

      Now- I don't know exactly how the next thing came about. Del Rio was always around 98% Mexican, being on the border between Texas & Mexico. I'd seen pictures of black people in my Compton's kids' encyclopedia, but had never seen a 'live' black person. If any lived in Del Rio, I'd never seen them. There was no community of blacks, for sure, as there was for many of the Mexicans. To my knowledge the first blacks to arrive in the vicinity, which is 'not near' any other major Texas city or town, were with the Air Force after WWII started, which had not yet happened.

      But the next thing I knew was that someone was climbing down that ladder to rescue me. The man was large, black, strong, and gathered me up in one strong arm and used the other to scale the ladder as he carried me up it and out to the safety at the neighbor's house where I was staying while my parents were at the ranch tending to its business.

      The story of my life from age 4 and a half when I started first grade till I was sent off to boarding school at 15 to provide a safe place for me to be during school years when my parents had to be at the ranch, was a series of being 'farmed out' to friends and neighbors, you see. We had no relatives closer than Indiana and Illinois, except my mother's baby sister who was a nurse in El Paso - many miles away.

      So my lasting memory of that HOLE is that a guardian angel was sent to my rescue, Cat. It still mystifies me and brings tears to my eyes to recall it.

      There were many memories associated with that broken leg to follow. I've mentioned some of them, one in my hub "When Lightning Strikes". In it, my 'first love's" family were, in fact, the neighbors with whom I was staying and whose house I was carried to by my guardian angel when he rescued me from the HOLE. I never saw or heard of him again. Go figure. . . :-)

      Perhaps it's been a kind of example of hope for me ever since, even though I've learned I must climb up and out myself in order for it to "take". Still, there have been some angels to help me get started up and out along the way.

      Big hugs back atcha.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      Thank you! I am amazed at the comfort and support and the feelings of relief that I am so grateful to be blessed with, virtually! You have such a wonderful heart and you have definitely helped mine.

      I love the 'Fertile Flux' and what a positive way to look at the not-so-beautiful moments we all go through. By nature, I'm not a negative person... but sometimes that sorrow hole is hard to climb out of, as it seems overwhelming. Reminding ourselves that these moments 'they too shall pass' can really help. They are a 'part of the process' and they 'aren't fatal'... oh, how wonderful! It's normal... and they won't kill us; I'm going to make a real, honest effort in focusing on those points.

      That is beautiful!!! Thank you, Nellieanna!

      Big Hugs!

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Thank you, sweetie. Yeah, I get tired of the same ole picture every so often, so I change it. I like it to be welcoming to my friends.

      I'm so happy that you're feeling better.

      I don't want to dwell on the negative, but please - you mustn't ever feel awful on my account in any way! Of course I understand that you fall into an emotional pit and feel frazzled at times, but it's not really important whether I understand or not. All that's important is that you can lift out of them and know that they must be fully felt before they can be lifted. It's important to let them be and then let them go for that sequence to happen.

      I remember how they feel and remember that it was when I named them a more hopeful name that I became able to endure them without losing hope and could realize 1) they were part of the process for, perhaps, even stepping up a plateau! and 2) they aren't fatal. My name for them? Fertile Flux. In fact, once I named them, then each time one came on, I could think, "Oh, one of those Fertile Fluxes." It was still in progress but I felt less frazzled - or fragmented, knowing it was going to untangle itself and emerge. You know what I mean.

      Let me be

      
Your banner.

      
Raise me up


      Each morning.


      Lower me


      Each night.


      And hide me safe


      Inside your heart


      Till needed....

      Let me be

      Your safety net,

      And you'll be mine.

      ______© Nellieanna H. Hay

      Hugs!

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      WillisParabole,

      Aw, thank you Krystina! Sounds like we need to start sailing different waters... or throwing people out of our boats! :D

      Thanks for the beautiful words and I hope your luck turns around; you deserve it!

      Cat

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      WillisParabole 4 years ago

      I feel like I am always in this boat as well. I hope everything is okay and I wish you luck in your future relationship(s) - hopefully its only one. :}

      -Krystina

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Monis Mas,

      If you should happen back here; I wanted to let you know the 'Mas' fairy came by and removed it from my comment. I will speak to her about that later and I apologize for its disappearance. :D

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      You changed your picture; goodness you're so bright eyed and full of life, a beautiful woman, inside and out!

      Thank you... I've felt so awful and I really hope you understand that I just fall into these holes from time to time and I get all frazzled. You're a sweetheart and I'm so grateful you've got a heart big enough to let me in... and stay there! Thank you... I'm feeling much better!

      I hope your day was bright!

      Big hugs to you!

      Cat

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      It touches my heart more than I can say.

      Thank you, darling sweet person, whom I hope is more rested today and that any but cheerful tears are all spent.

      Big hugs.

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Minnetonka Twin,

      Wow, thank you! I always look at vulnerability as a weakness and a bad thing but I guess it just means that my heart still works? :-) ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and ‘Everything happens for a reason’ are the thoughts I most live by. I am doing okay and I really appreciate the love and support. God Bless,

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Monis,

      Thank you! I’m so glad you found it touching and I thank you for stopping by!

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      MrsBrownsParlour,

      Thank you Lurana, that was super sweet! It’s funny, things always seem so much more obvious from outside a relationship rather than inside but that’s probably because those inside are dealing with love and love definitely can be blind.

      I appreciate what you said and I have to tell you, when I was writing this, I was in the moment and my feelings wrote themselves. After I posted it, I felt vulnerable and questioned taking it down or not. Putting the ‘not-so-pretty’ out there takes some courage and it only makes me respect and admire you more.

      Thanks for the lovely words,

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      agapsikap,

      That’s so nice of you to say and never worry about visiting… I know how hard it is to spread yourself around and I wish I was your way more! You’re a sweetheart and I’ll offer the same to you. Thanks, I really appreciate it girly. You definitely made me Smile! :D

      Cat

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Mhatter99,

      Aw, you’re sweet and I’ll take that dance…. and after hearing so much about “Rebecca”…I think I’ll have one of the same. ;-)

      Thanks Martin, always a pleasure,

      Cat

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      Linda Rogers 4 years ago from Minnesota

      Like everyone is saying here, you having the courage to give your love to someone is not stupid. Being vulnerable is actually a very hard thing to do, especially when it's not honored and true. Most of us have been in your shoes and like you said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Hope your doing ok. God Bless :-)

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      Aga 4 years ago

      Very sad, but also powerful and touching at the same time.

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      Lurana Brown 4 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

      Wow, how many of us can identify with this?? But looking at it from the outside, being hurt or used is not a reflection on the brokenhearted. Innocent and naive, yes. But if people were kind and honest and loyal, we would not be made to feel silly or stupid.

      Cat, you wear your heart on your sleeve and I hope no amount of unkindness or insecurity ever makes you lock it up. :-) Lurana

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      agapsikap 4 years ago from Philippines

      Am really happy for you. ;D I may not have enough time to visit, you know.. But am here for you with arms opened wide, if you need it just give me a sign. Remember, I've known you as the biggest and smartest CAT roaming around. Smile!

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      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      And you get on my case, when I twist your heart... Meet you at table 2 with "Rebecca".and whatever you call yours. But first a dance...

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      It's not pressure shan, I love you and your hubs. I feel like I'm missing out if I'm missing you or them, okay? Now, I'm going to pass out, I will read the hubs that will bring me joy tomorrow... starting with yours...

      Goodnight, I love you sis :D

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      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Nellieanna,

      You deserve nothing more than an equally beautiful response as you just gave me, but you've brought me to tears, not sadness; I'm touched and just let it all go, a sense of relief, as I've felt horrible all night. You are such a wonderful and beautiful woman and I am so grateful that I have finally gotten the opportunity to know you and I adore you. I don't ever want you to feel that you have to be 'careful' how you respond to me because I'm a big, sensitive cry baby. There were just too many factors today that led me in the wrong direction. But, it is exactly that unique way in which you respond that I simply admire about you. My skin is usually a little tougher and it will never be a problem, should you choose to ever grace my pages again.

      Thank you so much for being patient and understanding. Thank you for not making me feel alone and knowing that even the best of people like you have their rough times and look how far you've come? You're a beautiful woman and the ups and the downs has had to have had some affect on who you are. I wish I had the capacity to explain how much all you've said and you, yourself mean to me. Thank you so much!

      Hugs and Love

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      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Listen, I wish you'd relax and not feel so pressured. I appreciate visits to my hubs as much as the next person, and most of the comments are very pleasing...nice to know when someone has been there, etc. However, please don't feel pressured to read a hub of mine and certainly not within any set time frame.

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      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      I'd NEVER want you to feel badly, and certainly not about anything I'd say 'off the top of my head'. You could never disappoint me, not in a zillion years. First of all, I'm a bit tougher AND softer than that! You've made NO faux pas, except, perhaps, in underestimating yourself and/or letting ANYONE ever put you down, let alone mere I.

      I'm just another gal facing challenges and sometimes facing them better than other times. I may have inching-up-on-a-century of years of bouncing around on this planet to make me wish I could "pad the corners" for those more in the middle of it. Those was my own mother's words, realizing that she couldn't pad the corners for her children, and I'm sure she tried! All one can do is stretch out a hand to help them up, dust them off and hug and kiss them on their way again, maybe trying a little to instill in them some benefit from one's own experience with the same corners. But, of course, we all have to figure out how we can just avoid them in the first place, and keep moving forward in spite of them.

      I think your poem is about a sense of betrayal from those in whom you've placed your trust. Is that about it? Believe me, I've certainly been there, done that, - more than you could ever imagine. So, yes, it made me groan, but in empathy, my dear, empathy and compassion.

      You're no mess, either! You're a very sensitive person feeling the corners that may jab her at times.

      BTW - sleep surely may melt away the distress a lot. So do that - get a good night's worth! Hugs and love.