I CAN HEAR YOU SIGH - What Is Love?
Looking Back...And Now
Well it is Mother's Day today and I have been here many years before just like you. Celebrating the "love" and looking back at all the fond memories and reflecting on them as we grow older. Love starts with "motherhood." Even with the good and the bad (and I'm sure there is a lot of "bad" just as much as there is "good" mothers or experiences), we try to find a way to think of the "good parts" because afterall why dwell on the negative? Especially after so much time has passed. As the years go by it gets easier to take those "not so good memories" and make them into "better ones." And although some memories can not be made better at all, it gets easier to forget them. But, some memories we just don't forget and that is why I'm writing this today.
The love that has stuck with me most throughout the years has always been "subtle." In the things people have said, done, how much they have shown their love, being there for me. Respect. Love. The love that has touched me most has always come from something as simple as a "sigh." Growing up in a world full of materialism and people living someone else's dreams has brought me to a very simple conclusion. A "sigh" would have been better.
My fondest memories of the simple acts of love came from my grandmother who always showed me that I was in her thoughts, her moments, her sighs. The little notes or articles she would cut out and mail to me to inspire me or to show that she thought of me. Not an e-mail, not just a phone call, but something else and it cost nothing but her heart and time. She would listen to me and this was a precious gift. I once asked her about sex and she got very embarresed but she tried so hard to give me an answer. And when I asked her really intimate questions, she would giggle, blush and her big and beautiful blue eyes would sparkle before she finally gave me my answer that I desperately needed. This was that "sigh" because I took that as a gift because I knew that it was really hard for her to go there. But she did just for me. I will never forget that. The day I took her to get chemo a few years before she died, I held onto her tight as we walked from the doctors. She was so weak but we laughed when a crazy man walked by us and shouted obsenities. We were in Santa Monica and it was just one of those moments where after we laughed, we both held on to eachother and just "sighed." I can write so many more memories when those precious moments imprinted themselves deep inside my heart, but I want to mention something else.
What Is Love?
After being in quite a few longterm relationships in my life and finding myself in an amazing place right now where my heart is open and those "sighs" happen every day, I can honestly say that I finally understand what love is. A few years ago I went to see someone very special from my past who I felt very strongly about in college but was not emotionally mature enough to take the relationship further. I knew when I went to see him after so many years that he was in a very loving relationship for more then 20 years and I asked him to explain what "love is" and he did. I listened to him very carefully as the words fell from his mouth while we ate at a local cafe. Out of all the men I knew in the past, he seemed most in touch with his emotions, his feelings and his heart. I wanted what he had, that absolute devotion and freedom that he spoke about and showed me in his words when he spoke about his wife. His heart was full and I knew it. It was in his eyes. It was in his "sighs."
When I look back now, my relationships lacked many moments and sighs and now that I'm in my mid 40's, I have realized that not many were actually right for me. There were snippets of love, some romance, some passion, some sighs but when it came to my heart, they were seriously lacking. My first love was the closest that I ever felt to love, but I was too young to actually understand my really deep feelings at the time. I guess with maturity comes understanding and a very deep level of self awareness.
Love Today and Everyday...
So here I sit on this day where everyone is celebrating love for their mother's and I'm reflecting on the love I have felt throughout my life and the woman that gave me so much of their heart. I'm a devoted and loving mother to my two young children and we celebrated the love and had a lovely time this morning. But the best moments with my children and everyone in my life from my past and who surrounds me now will always be those special "sighs." The thoughts, the moments, the care, the respect, the love and the devotion (and the extra posts on facebook on my wall when I least expect it! ha). My friends who reach out to me in little ways, the extra effort, the trust, the laughter.....the "sighs."
Thank you for the love.......