I Didn't Mean to Disappear
Its been a year...
I haven't written, haven't communicated, haven't even stopped by. It's been a tough year. And today is New Year's Eve - a night I've been looking forward to for a while now. Maybe all this madness will end. There is so little of me left.
try as I may
I still can't find the words to say
everything there is inside of me.
I feel like such a fool
to have fallen into this darkness
and lost so much of me
that I can't find my way back to any of the peace I had found.
Or is it just an illusion I see now,
That my life ever held any such purpose
My thoughts are so scattered, I forget what it was I wanted
I can't remember who I was.
You see, I reached that point a while ago,
that breaking point
and I shattered.
No one was there to help me pick up the pieces, just like I feared.
I am simply a shadow of what I see
only now I'm having flashbacks
I don't know how to get back the parts of me that were lost
and I'm not strong enough to reach out.
Who was that woman in my past?
I am a shadow of who she was
devoid of the passion
missing the energy
fearing the slightest sounds
afraid of sudden movements.
I stood at the edge and they threatened to take away everything
the faith I had was tested to the core
hopes came and went
I watched as people I thought were friends, turned away from me
I realized how alone alone can be
I, who had fought all my life and had come through the toughest situations
Had been beaten.
It didn't kill me
although at times I thought death would have been more merciful
And I have to find a new reason, a new purpose, a new happiness
when the core of my being feels defeated
I'm ringing in the New Year like I never have before - alone.
With a list full of resolutions.
I am going to have to find the strength and motivation somewhere
if I want to live life again.
I've already lost a whole year.
I have to believe again that I deserve to live
only then will I see the beauty in life.