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I Will Be Your Son : The Loss

Updated on August 4, 2012

Part II of the Story is Out Already.... See it here

The Final Chapter... See it here


Life is unpredictable.


You don’t know what path it will decide for you, how long it will take to make you realize that path and further more… when in time it will lead you there. But one thing is certain, fighting for life will place you in its good books and fighting with it will lead you to unknown pits of shock.



Ayushi was merrily strolling home from school. Everything seemed nice today, the mild sunlight, the cloud cover and the cool breeze of monsoon made her smile broader as she walked. Her poem on her father had got selected for the school magazine and she was overjoyed. The day had gone perfect.


Eldest of the three daughters of Mr. and Mrs. Jivesh Shrivastava, Ayushi was the favorite everywhere, at home, at school, at the family get-togethers but the favoritism she loved was that of her father’s. Yes! She was a daddy’s girl.


The servants of the house often discussed of the day she was born. A thunderous rainy night and there she was smiling in the strong but tender arms of her father.


Mr. Jivesh had declared that day in the proudest of tones, “Look at her, even the demons fear such a night but my Ayushi smiles. My prized daughter, your smile won’t waver in the darkest of nights and the strongest of storms. You shall live to set an example for many. The daughter from the divine womb of my beloved wife, you will be my son… my eldest son”.



And there she was, an elegant twelve year girl just about to enter her teens, walking with handsome pride and humming the words of her poem…


He may not be a hero for the world

But he is the world to me

He holds me and I go sky high

He is the hero for me”



The words were interrupted by loud cries which she realized were coming from the hall of her house. The wailings increased in ferocity as she opened the iron gates. A sudden chill ran down her spine. In an automatic reflex her schoolbag fell on the concrete ground and she rushed inside. A sporadic array of doubts attacked her young mind as she ran past people staring at her, people she didn’t know.


“Where is maa, where is Papa, is someone hurt, why are people wearing white, why are people crying inside?” She thought. “Shilpa, Sapna! Where are you guys, where is papa!” she yelled for her sisters. “What’s happening?”


She pushed past her way into the hall and suddenly stopped. Her mother and grandmothers were crying incessantly in front of her eyes and all she could make out what someone lying beyond them. Slowly she moved ahead. Each step took an infinite amount of time to complete. She could see her sisters now. Sapna, the middle one… crying sitting in her uncle’s lap while Shilpa, still a toddler watched unknowingly.


There he was, lying in serenity, the same peace and pride on his face he always bore. There was a red scar on his head. As she approached, blankness filled her mind, that moment when you know you have lost somebody but your senses tell you ,”No it can’t be, I must be dreaming”, that darkness of undefined vastness filled her soul at that moment. She collapsed at the draped chest of her father and yelled, “PAPA!” The elegant, intelligent and loved daughter… passed out.


Mr. Jivesh Shrivastava was no more.



to be continued....

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    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Nice story Rahul! Very well told!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      A horrific loss....for anyone who has to go through this, the shock is horrible. You have done a wonderful job of capturing all of this with your words.

    • ToriShae profile image

      ToriShae 4 years ago from WA

      Wow. I cannot wait to read some of the continuation if you go on with it. Thanks for the good read!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      This is a part of your talent I've not yet seen, my brother. You are truly gifted and I await the continuation with bated breath!

      I do wonder, tho, why did Papa call Ayushi his first born son? Does that not cause strife and insecurity for her? Were his daughters not enough? Did he not see blessing in all his girls?

      I'm sure your sequal(s) will answer my questions. I love a good story. Can't wait, Rahul!

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      Oh My son.. what a wonderful sad story.. I cant wait for chapter two.. .. You are an awesome writer and poet.. I am so proud of you

      Mom

    • flashmakeit profile image

      flashmakeit 4 years ago from usa

      Great story and it really held my interest from beginning until the sad ending.

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

      I was fascinated by the distinction between the authorial voice and the third person narrative. Characterization is great.

      Well done Rahul

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

      Excellent writing and intense. Kept me reading with fear and anticipation - looking forward to part II. You are a great writer. This is a terribly sad story. In His Love, Faith Reaper

    • profile image

      Roohi Khan 4 years ago from India

      Well done, Rahul! Looking forward to reading the rest.

    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Rahul,

      Definitely a differnt side of you, but I love it! I am eagerly awaiting part two. Beautiful job here buddy! I was captivated the whole time!

    • tobusiness profile image

      Jo Alexis-Hagues 4 years ago from Bedfordshire, U.K

      A very good read, you handled this topic with a gentle touch, But you managed to retain the dramatic effect, you allow your reader to really care for you characters enough, to come back for more. Very touching and beautifully done.

    • jonmcclusk profile image

      Jonathan McCloskey 4 years ago from Cinnaminson, New Jersey

      Great story, I assume there are other parts to it as it says to be continued and I'm ready to read more of this tale.

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Oh, my. I was captivated by the way you told the story. Where is the rest? Very well done, rahul!

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Your story captured me from the get-go and didn't let go throughout. You are a great storyteller, Rahul, I await this series with anticipation. Life can change on a dime. I relate to this story, because over the last two years I have experienced things I never thought I'd see. Reaching a pinnacle, only to fall, changes everything.

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thank you so much Kelley... thanks for the visit

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Sir Bill.... I only aspire to be as great a writer as you are.... Such motivation from you encourages me to the core

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Tori... Nice to meet you :)

      I am glad you liked my work... chapter two will be out soon :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Sister Shauna! I am glad I was able to please you with this.. :)

      Ayushi was the eldest daughter... In Indian families... the eldest born child is often the most favorite one... and high hopes are set on him/her... he saw a blessing in all his girls but the story is about Ayushi so I concentrate on her :)

      Thank you for visiting sister... love you loads

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks mother.... after all I am your son.... I have to have some of your qualities at least :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Flash! I am glad you connected and liked the story

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks for the kind technical review Vinaya... as it was my first attempt... It stressed me to keep the tone of the characters and the narrator... differentiable

      Thanks for motivating me

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Faith! I am glad you liked the piece....

      I will put in more effort to keep you interested the next time

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks Roohi... the next part will be out soon :)

      i am glad you liked it

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Josh... I am glad you liked the story... your kind feedback is warmly appreciated....

      I will put in more effort to keep you interested :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thank you for such kind and warm words Jox.... I am glad you liked my work... it is my first attempt... I was very nervous..

      thank you :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Jon!! I am glad you liked the story

      Part two will be out soon !!

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Vic!! I am glad you liked the story... thank you... the rest will be out soon :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Amy!! I am humbled by your continued support....

      i am sorry that you relate to the story... somehow... I do to... your words of wisdom... here.. are very true.

      Life can change in a jiffy.. no one knows what will happen the next moment... Life is the biggest risk a soul takes.. I suppose

      Thank you for the support

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This is a great story full of suspense, can't wait to read the next installment...

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Rahul, I am the eldest of 3. I can relate to setting high standards for the first born. What confused me was Ayushi being referred to as the eldest son.

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 4 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      Awesome Job!!!! I cannot wait to read the next part!!! You had my attention to the very end!! Well Done!!!

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Rahul a writer is born. You are a wonderful poet and now this. What a story. The beginning is so sad I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next. You know in a different sort of way it reminds me of when my father died. I was 10 and our pastor was the one to take me up to our apartment and everyone there was crying and the funeral home had already taken my dad away. Passing this on.

    • Laurinzo Scott profile image

      Live To Write 4 years ago from Phoenix, Az.

      Very good plotting that kept me on the edge of my seat... I definitely want to read more.

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 4 years ago from Dubai

      Great work, very well written and expressed. Poor Ayushi was so happy and did not know what was going to happen the next second. Well done.

    • profile image

      LikaMarie 4 years ago

      Heart wrenching... I look forward to the next segment.

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Always... I am glad you liked the story... I will try to pput in my best efforts in the upcoming parts..

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hey Sis.... guess what I am the eldest too!

      Here in India.. or I believe it is a rather general conception throughout the world that the hopes form the eldest sons of families are usually high.... and they are usually favorites too!!

      Here Ayushi being referred to as the eldest son... symbolizes the high degree of love she received from her father

      ..

      Thanks for polishing me sister :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Patty! Thank you for your kind and heart warming support.... I will put in my best efforts to please you with the rest of the story

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Rasma.. you will not stop being kind to me... well beautiful and wonderful people do not stop becoming what they are ...

      Thank you my friend ... for your continued and kind support... I was tense while I wrote this...

      I am sad that you relate to this.. i can feel your loss...

      Even after writing this... i cannot imagine the intensity of pain which the situation mi8 have brought...

      Thank you Rasma

      Hugs from Doon

    • rahul0324 profile image
      Author

      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Laurinzo... nice to meet you... I am glad you found and connected to my work.. and liked it..

      Thank you so much

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks Vellur... I am glad you liked it !!

      Nice to see you back :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Lika.... I am glad you liked it... The next segment will be out soon :)

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      You've educated me once again, my brother. Thanx!

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Shauna.... there is absolutely nothing I can educate you about.... your inner depth... the kindness that dwells in your soul.... tells me that... you know what should be known... :)

      Thank you for the kindness

    • profile image

      klarawieck 4 years ago

      So glad I got to read this, Rahul. :-) I read part 2 first, then this one, but still I'm glad I read it. :-)

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

      innocence can be shattered in an instant and feel sorry for the kids 'cause of the big loss and also to face death.

      beautifully narrated.

    • profile image

      Laurinzo Scott 4 years ago

      Sad, but such stories need to be told. This is a haunting tale and you are an incredible writer.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Beautifully written in your own unique and fascinating style, Rahul.....I'm on my way to Part II.....UP & awesome

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      I am glad that you liked the story my friend Klara.. !!

      Thank you for the kind feedback :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
      Author

      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Ruchira... wonderful words of wisdom... and truth...

      Thank you for the visit :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thank you so much Laurinzo... I am humbled by your kind feedback :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Effer!! Thank you so much for reading it... I am glad you liked it :)....

      Thanks again

    • BeyondMax profile image

      BeyondMax 4 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Extremely captivating! So much happening and such an array of feelings, and the loss is such a tragic event! Beautifully told, very interesting.

    • rahul0324 profile image
      Author

      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      hello Max... As I said.. earlier.. your support humbles me... Thank you for such kind feedback

    • Mr Love Doctor profile image

      Mr Love Doctor 4 years ago from Puerto Rico

      Your writing style reminds me of A Case of Exploding Mangoes by Mohammed Hanif, somehow. Not in terms of subject matter or country, of course, but in terms of how you make us see the setting without using a lot of exposition. We see, feel, and hear Ayushi and her world as the story moves vibrantly.

    • profile image

      Sueswan 4 years ago

      Hi Rahul,

      My heart goes out to Ayushi who has lost her father, her hero at a young age.

      Looking forward to the next chapter.

      Voted up and away

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Dear Rahul,

      A loss of innocence for Daddy's girl captured in a powerful and memorable manner.

      My dear, you remind me of a young Vincent... When you put pen to paper, wow, those words do start to flow... I am moving on immediately.

      Voted UP and UABI. Hugs, Maria

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      LoveDoc... I am glad that you connected to my story in such fashion.....

      Thank you for your kindness :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hi Sue... Thank you for your kindness,,, :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Maria !!

      Oh... that is a wonderful reference you have made... I consider him as one of my mentors...

      Thank you so much for your kindness :)

    • CrazedNovelist profile image

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Can't wait to see more Rahul. Good work!

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 4 years ago

      Your words are like a gentle breeze blowing through the curtain of life my young poet. The images you portray stand out, I feel present in the room of sadness, I feel tears, pain and great loss for a daughters/son's father. He was her hero, she was his eldest son/daughter, how wonderful to be loved such.

      I can't wait to continue to this journey you have commenced here my son, my poet. Also thank you for the kind reply to Maria's comment and my name mentioned. I am a simple poet like yourself, should I stir your soul in any way, then I am blessed, and Maria is a blessing to me as well. Thank you dear Maria for comparing me with this brilliant young poet.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      This community feels smaller and cozier by the day. Miles cannot change the genuine fondness that we feel for each other.

      I am blessed to be inspired by both Rahul and Vincent and their profound writings. Hugs to you both, Maria

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thank you so much Aubrey! I am glad you liked it... the other parts are out... you can see them :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Sir Vincent.... as such words of appreciation come from a man of depth which knows no bounds, a man I consider to be my own mentor... I cannot express how obliged and motivated I am.

      Thank you so much for the kindness Sir.. and yes.. Maria is a sweetheart :)

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Hello Maria... we are blessed to have wonderful people like you .. who come out and support us like your own...

      sometimes I wish all of us could meet often.. share talks, good food drinks.. and laugh together... I wish ...

    • profile image

      IntegrityYes 4 years ago

      I definitely voted up.

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks for the votes Integrity

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      A very powerfully narrated story stirring a range of emotions. You have a natural gift for story telling Rahul.

      Voted up, awesome.

    • rahul0324 profile image
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      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      Thanks so much Rajan Sir ,.. I am glad you liked it :)

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