I Wish I Had A Mom
Where Was My Mom?
Sometimes it feels awkward to utter the word "mom" or refer to my mother as "mama." I find it so odd because it doesn't feel that way. I always had my dad beside me when I was a kid but my mom seemed far away even when she was there. I guess she was just there for the sake of being there but I don't have any memory of her saying she loves me, and I certainly do not recall her giving me affection. No kisses. No hugs. No I love you's.
I pretended not to care and never confronted her. I acted like I didn't need her though I remember a few times when I reached out to her. I'm not sure if she had ever wanted me because I have so many pictures with my entire family but I don't have a picture with her. A picture with just the two of us --- her, giving me hugs and kisses. What's funny is she missed the boat long before I even hit puberty. I wanted a mom. I needed one but I wasn't longing for my real mom. All I could feel then and now is wanting someone to look after me when I am unable to. I just wanted someone else to be a mom to me.
My mom resented to look after me. In fact, we had 2 to 3 nanny's at home though I was mostly unsupervised...back when we were wealthy and living in a 3-story house, inclusive of the attic. I could remember myself in the garden, atop a ransacked-looking building behind the house where I would climb up to see a honeycomb and get easily disgusted by the look of it because there were bees on it. I also climbed trees of blackberries that were 4 feet high and apple mangoes that seemed higher the the berry tree, but no one was there to stop me. I would've broken my ribs or fractured my bones if I had fallen from those trees because nobody warned me. Why was I alone most of the time when my dad was at work and where was my mom who didn't actually have a job? I just don't get it.
I didn't fall from those blackberry and apple mango trees but I do remember almost falling upside down from a macopa tree. It is also called a mountain apple fruit and the branches were hanging from our next-door neighbor. I kept on harvesting them as if they were my own. I didn't fall. I guess I was really good at climbing trees but where was my guardian? Where was my mom during that time?
I wasn't invincible. I had too many accidents and I could still vividly remember them as if they were just yesterday. I got chased by a dog while I was riding my bike and accidentally plummeted down a wide ditch. That scraped my left and right legs a bit but I lived. My right knee also got badly pierced by a 2-inch nail that was surprisingly protruding from the edge of a speaker inside our jeep. That was too disgusting and I was just playing "traffics go, traffics stop" (as we called it) with my younger brother, my niece and my nephew. Again, I lived. I was lucky not to have an infection. Another accident I had was while I was waiting for someone to fetch me at school. I was bored so I climbed up the slide and slid but there was something wrong about how that slide was constructed because as I reached the ground, my right hand's pinky hurt like hell. I then realized that it was broken and it started to swell. This was the scariest and most unforgettable accident because it happened on a Friday the 13th and while my dad wanted to call our family doctor, my mom opted to bring me to a faith healer. Do they have an x-ray machine? Or could they perform surgery if there was a need to do that? Nope. Definitely not. But my dad was all yes to my mom so what the heck. Leave it to the faith healer.
My mom hated driving me to school or a friend's place, same goes for picking me up. But what she hated the most was the hassle of attending school programs. There was this one time that I was so glad she accompanied me during the school's Foundation Day because my classmates always saw my dad, so it was the first time that they actually saw my mom. My guy buddies were even more thrilled that one of them developed a crush on her though I wasn't thrilled by that. All I could think of during that time was, "Where's my mom?" All the other parents were either putting makeup on their daughter or fixing their kid's costume but nobody was looking after me. I had no makeup on. My costume looked like sh#t and sure didn't feel comfortable wearing it because I must've worn it the wrong way. My mom just stayed somewhere where she wouldn't be hassled with what parents should be doing. She was just right there doing nothing. One of the teachers was keen enough to notice that nobody was assisting me so she covered for my mom and did my hair and makeup. My teacher also made sure I looked good in my costume. Yeah. Thanks a lot, mom. At least you were physically present once...once within the entire 6 years of my elementary and 4 years of my high school experience. Once. Just once.
Yes, she wasn't the type who would do my hair and my makeup on any occasion. I was lucky that I had my Auntie Charie who would fix my hair once in a while before I went to school but most of the days when my aunt wasn't there, I normally just wore my hair down. By the time I reached school, I was a complete horror movie. Me and my frizzy hair loathe the wind. The wind was my high school nemesis. I was also a tomboy not because I wanted to be one but because I didn't know how to be girl and I didn't know how to dress like a girl. My dad bought our clothes and he had a habit of buying 3 T-shirts for me, my older brother and my younger brother as if we were triplets. The T-shirts looked exactly the same but of different colors. And I thought they were cool during those days but nobody ever saw me as a girl...or maybe there were 3 guys. 2 of them were my buddies and 1 of them was my crush. It was something I couldn't tell my dad so I just kept that to myself. Where was my mom when I needed her?
When you dream, dream the impossible. After all, it's for free. I dream to go back when I was a kid and I wish I had a mom. Someone who would teach me to be a lady. Someone who would listen to me when I had no one to talk to, especially about girl stuff. I want to be hugged and kissed just like with what I am doing to my kids. Sometimes when I hug and kiss them, I get instantly happy but then there would be that momentary thought about wanting to have a mom too and I get disheartened by it. I wish the mom I have, knew everything about me --- my darkest secrets, my pitfalls, my accomplishments, my everything. It gets crazy when I keep on imagining at least one day of receiving a motherly love just from anyone. I get really envious of people who are very close to their moms that it has become an almost unbearable sight.
I don't believe in reincarnation though it is something that struck me as very interesting so I read about it and there is also one drama suggesting that each person has 4 lives ---- the life of sowing, the life of watering, the life of harvesting and the life of enjoying your harvest. I am completely clueless to whether this is true or not but maybe...just maybe, in my next life I could have the greatest mom who will love and care for me so dearly. Maybe that would be that case because in this life, I have been deprived all my life to have one.