Blogging After A Few Beers
Hello. My name is Mindy and I'm a beerblogaholic. I want YOU to become addicted to my addiction of writing after drinking a few beers. Why? Because it's fun, it's safe and most importantly it will make YOU feel better about yourself and I like helping people!
Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanted to have a few beers to relax? Then after you've had a few beers you just want to talk, but there is no one around to hear your incredible knowledge? This, my potential friends, is the point I am at now and I'd like to share with you everything that is going on in my head while slightly under the influence of my preferred adult beverage, Budweiser. Consider it a scientific experience for myself that I might, almost undoubtedly, regret later because honestly I have no idea what my next sentence may be. I've always wanted to take note of my thoughts while in this lost inhibition state of mind. Okay, not really until now, but I thought it sounded cool.
Thank you very much to the carbonation in my can (yes I enjoy cans vs bottles because I like the aluminum taste. Maybe I should be tested for Pica) is no other than flatulence. A more common name for this bodily behavior is farting. One might think it is a very simple process, but if you do research on it it's actually a science that you can modify and become a master at morning thunder. That's when you are using the toilet first thing in the morning and one sneaks out and it's so loud everyone in the house can hear it. Even if they are sleeping.
"Whoa, did that thunder wake you up too man?"
I think women should get extra points for the echo, but I'm sure it's debatable. That would be more like morning muted trumpet though wouldn't it? Anyway, for some people they can find the whole thing appalling, while others will give you a high five and naturally kids will laugh and try to out do it. There are times when you don't want this to happen and it can be an absolute devastating ordeal if it happens at that moment. Especially if you go to a lunch interview or dinner date and you think you're making the right move by ordering a cobb salad with added broccoli. Yeah extra points for being the health nut, but whoohooohoooo does that not come back to haunt you. And the other person. As you're saying your goodbyes you gotta put all of your weight on the left leg, squeezing your butt muscles as tightly as possible and just when you think it's gonna make it's way through you switch to the right leg hoping to block the air. Then you've become so focused on not letting it happen that you aren't paying attention to what the person is saying so you release it. In small bursts of course praying that it isn't going to make a sound. Then you're stuck with either an SBD or scraping your shoe on the ground hoping it covers the noise.
I totally got away with that in PE one year in elementary school. I went as Punky Brewster in roller skates. Who knew the gym had such great acoustics. It slipped by me and when the kids looked at me I said
"What? it was my skates? Gah. See."
Then I slid my skate on the floor and it mimicked the sound quite satisfactory. I completely envy those people who can say pull my finger and fart on command. My dad was like a farting ninja when it came to that! This statement is not FDA approved but farting more than 14 times in one day is considered a health concern. I hope this bit of knowledge helps you in finding a cure. Seriously. Protect the earth and those you love.
I'm trying so hard to get away from the "potty" humor but doo doo is the funniest thing in the slang language ever. Say doo doo five times. Give it a go. Instant chuckle. Doo doo.