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"I mean you're okay I guess.." - A Story of Sarcasm, Self-Depracation and Acceptance

Updated on February 27, 2017

I have lived in the exact same town since I was two years old, and before that I lived in a shockingly even smaller town that was somehow even more dull than the one I live in now. Growing up, I am quite surprised at the fact that I somehow managed to make friends. My outward appearance was enough to scare any child off. My were beautiful, yet somehow their combined genetics left me tall, thin, brown-haired and blue-eyed. Now don't get the wrong idea here, when I say tall,I don't mean supermodel tall, I mean freakishly giant-like tall. I don't know much about biology but I'm pretty sure I grew height-wise a tad too quickly, compared to most kids my age. I was 5' 10" by the time I was 11 years old, and for some reason have only grown exactly one inch in the nine years since (thanks puberty). As a teenager I like to think I grew into a more slender version of my once chubby-cheeked self. I have never had an amazing body, (I enjoy pizza and bacon too much, duh, I'm only human) but I must say I do like the idea of not kicking the bucket due to a heart attack at age 35, therefore I make sure to partake in some regular exercise at an actual gym every so often, which has left me with an okay-ish looking body I guess. As for the ocean-blue eyes and luscious brown locks? Well those are non-existent, as I have what I like to call 'dishwater-brown' hair and blue eyes so dark they're practically black, which when considering the whole 'eyes are the windows to the soul' thing, is pretty accurate.

There I am, my dark, corpse-y eyes on food as always.
There I am, my dark, corpse-y eyes on food as always.

So here I am, freakishly large, skin so pale I'm practically transparent and eyes like a corpse. I don't think my appearance was helped by the fact that I have a seemingly emotionless yet highly sarcastic personality, paired with a menacing stare and a monotonous, eery voice. I have been called soulless, emotionless, a bitch, a robot, heartless, you name it. It's not so much that I don't feel emotions, because I do. It's more due to the fact that I am simply the type of person who keeps to herself, and deals with everything on the inside, something that has been working for me for almost twenty years now.

My childhood best friend was the exact opposite of me. She was a petite, doe-eyed little ray of sunshine whom everybody adored. God knows why she made friends with the weird quiet girl, but she did, and I was so grateful for it. That is until we reached high school and she had a total Regina George Mean Girls Moment, had what I think was a psychotic break and decided to find new friends. Which was okay with me, as by that time we had drifted part, we were interested in completely different things and acted in completely different ways. She moved on to become friends with a friendly albeit extremely vapid group of humans, and I became more of a social butterfly, trying to make friends with as many people as possible.

I like to think that I reached my physical peak in high school. In hindsight I see now that I did not. We had the most dreary uniforms, with green skirts and brown stockings, only causing us to look like a mass of trees instead of school children. I started high school with the same dull brown hair, so I decided to switch things up a little and give myself a DIY dye-job. Safe to say that did not go well. I never quite excelled in school, try as I might my grades were always just average, slightly above if I decided once in a blue moon to actually put some effort in, however they did some times dip below the 50% mark, which of course made me feel no better about my intelligence. I moved houses quite often growing up, yet for some reason they all seemed to have had the same basic floorplan, with the two bedrooms for my sister and I, main bedroom, bathroom, garden etcetera. Of course I am forever grateful for my mother who always made sure my sister and I had a roof over our heads, no matter how extravagant or not that roof was.

I tried almost everything growing up. The longest commitment to a sport I ever had was the two weeks I did synchronised swimming lessons at school, which ended with me realising I am officially the most unsynchronised human being on this planet. I was never much of a sport person, I've always been more of a creative type (or so I like to think). Granted, I did try my hand at most sports, however not many of relationships between general sporting activities and me ever lasted more than two days. It was a rather embarrassing affair. So eventually I decided to embrace my inner creative 'goddess' and try out for music. Safe to say I was absolute rubbish at that. Then I moved on to drama class, where I soon realised that try as I might, I will never be the next Meryl Streep. Then I moved my average self on to art class, which I proceeded to ditch after a short while when I realised I could draw a pretty great stick family....but that is it. I still to this day draw the classic box house with the two windows and a door, a little stick man and women standing next to it, underneath a sky of poorly drawn clouds and birds shaped like the letter M. I was a sad excuse for an artist back then and I still am now.

Somehow, my severe lack of talent eventually landed my average butt in university. I have always had a love for film-making and photography, editing especially, so I decided to embark on a degree in Media and Communication at my local university. In my mind, I thought I had struck gold. I now had an unlimited amount of courses on offer to me. Turns out I'm pretty average at those too. The only class I ever got above-avearage marks for was one where the lecturer told us he was exactly 102 years old, had regular conversations with extra-terrestrial beings, then proceeded to fall asleep. I later found out he gave pretty much everyone in our class stellar marks, which deflated my newfound ego quite a bit.

Which brings me to where I am today. I am currently a second year student, hopefully majoring next year in Film Production and English (although I will probably manage to bugger something up before then). In my mind, I sincerely doubt I am a good writer, but I sure as heck am going to give it a try. As I get older (almost twenty remember? Sheesh..) I have decided that it's not about how perfect your marks are, how attractive you are, or how talented and skilled. I have always been the type of person who isn't afraid to do anything, even if I end up doing it a little worse than others. I don't think I have quite found my passion, but the comforting thing is I have time. I know life is short and I should embrace every second, but the truth of the matter is, I am not and never have been one of those wild kids who grab Life by the balls. I don't want to go near Life's balls thank you very much. I want to stay inside my comfort zone, holding Life's hand like the little scaredy-cat I am. Of course I will choose to be slightly more adventurous, curious and dangerous in the unforeseeable future, but until then, I live my life day by day, minute by minute. People sometimes compare me to a sloth. I have a very relaxed personalty and tend to move slowly (probably due to the lack of exercise, lets be realistic here.) But I know that things could change in a year, a month, a second.

In our brutal world we live in, we should start embracing ourselves as well as others exactly the way we are, instead of trying to change. Of course it is human nature to challenge yourself and always try and better yourself. My point is, don't push yourself too hard, became you could become unhappy with who you are as a person. Instead, let it come naturally. Life is so savagely beautiful and extremely precious, which in my mind could be why they call it 'living in the present'.

Speaking of presents, I am about to devour an entire pizza which I ordered all for myself, which will probably be followed by a brisk jog along the beach. (One of those statements is an absolute lie, I'm sure you could figure out which one it is.)

This is extremely accurate.
This is extremely accurate.
A self-portrait.
A self-portrait.
A rare Jami smile which only comes around once every ten years.
A rare Jami smile which only comes around once every ten years.

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