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If Hamlet Were an Asthmatic Grizzly Bear
To Maul the Caribou, or Not to Maul the Caribou
To maul the caribou or not to maul the caribou; that is the question: weather it is more wholesome to put up with the parts of my life that blow, or to never do anything that makes me have to stop and use my inhaler. To go herbivore—to diet—give up the chase; and when I say diet I mean that I wouldn’t have to feel my chest want to cave in ever again, never panic because I don’t know where my inhaler is. That is a state I would give a liver for. To never hunt—to get my protein from soy. To forage and scavenge for my meals—if I could live off just that: aye there is the fine print! Cause if I go vegetarian what will happen when I don’t get enough protein where will I get big muscles? If it were not for my fear of the unknown I would choose the game trail that prevents my suffering at the hands of my asthma in an instant. For what other reason would I have to continue doing slow breathing exercises into my brown paper bag every time I want a decent meal, why else would I endure the taunts from that egomaniacal bull moose with the excessively large antlers, the fact that wolves in spite of the fact that I’m five times as big and strong as them are the apex predator in this ecosystem, when I could just move to a dump and live off the no longer fleeing/fighting human waste food. Who would fardels bear to grunt and grunt under a weary life, if it were not for the fear of the consequences of not eating meat—what the loony humans might do, which none have returned to tell me. This uncertainty overcomes the innate brazenness that a grizzly displays. As such the stomach of the grizzly makes marmots out of the pitiful bears who have the misfortune that is asthma, causing us to continue with the painful old practices for fear of possible hunger that may or may not come about.
- New Smack Talk
Have you recently put the smack down on someone and felt tired of disparaging them with the same old phrases? Fear not! I now provide fresh barbs and jeers to let your victims know how witty and skilled you...