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If They Asked Me I Could Write A Book

Updated on July 23, 2010


As I sit here typing away (often every day of my life) for not only my own amusement but for those of you who are reading my blog posts I have oft thought that I should compile my fave posts and create a book of them to be published. In fact, I did just that and even sent it to not only gay, gay, gayer than gay publishers but publishers in general, all to be told, “Thanks but no thanks” but now that I’ve read that Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore is coming out with a book my anger is once again brought to the surface and I find myself singing the lyrics from that classic Rogers and Hart musical, Pal Joey, “If they asked me I could write a book” – Don’t Get Me Started!

I know that they say that everyone has “one book in them” but as far as I’m concerned, as I look over the past four years of writing close to 850 blog posts and essays I find that once again while you may have it in you and even get it out of you onto a save file on your computer, you’re not good enough unless you’ve been on a reality show or shtupped Tiger Woods. Since I have no chance of having a child with Mel Gibson and then having him berate me on a recorded phone conversation anytime soon and never having been to Alaska to comment on the Bristol and Levi relationship as someone who knew them from high school, my chances of getting a book deal lie roughly between those old two friends of mine, gay thin to none (for you straightees the translation is: slim to none).

What gets me is with all of the new e-books, Kindles and iPads to read books on can someone explain to me why there is less and less that I want to read? I love a good biography or to tell the truth an autobiography but I never even watched The Hills so why would I want to read about those people and does anyone think that they actually wrote the book themselves? There was a time a “ghost writer” was someone who literally no one ever saw or heard, they were the Marni Nixons of the literary world but now everyone knows that no one writes their own book alone and usually don’t even know what’s in it until it published and they see what the real writer of the book wrote! Still we all know that sex sells and I suppose if you’ve ever been a Playboy bunny you have a better chance of getting a book deal than some forty-something gay who claims to be the gay Erma Bombeck for his generation.

I’ve always had these visions of doing “readings” in a Borders or in a lecture hall. Maybe it was all those years of watching Sex In The City that made it seem plausible for it to happen. I tried getting the local and not so local gay papers to pick me up as a feature in their periodicals but again, no dice. So what’s a gay to do?

I’m hardly one to think that like Little Richard I invented everything but I had to laugh when a recent visit to a gay site included the word, “straightee” in one of its headlines. I can’t sue or really lay claim to it I suppose but I’m pretty sure that I came up with this term years ago and its appeared in my writing so much that I even had someone write to me and ask me to stop using it as it annoyed her as a straight woman. So someone must be reading my stuff, right? And I suppose I should be flattered that someone liked it enough to steal it but I usually reserve handing material over for free to friends who live in other states. Hell, I have one friend who is still using my lines from the 80’s to entertain his friends and cocktail acquaintances. Still I guess I need to give them the benefit of the doubt and perhaps they came up with it all on their own. Yeah, right.

Look, maybe the publishers of books and magazines are right to send me letters turning down my efforts but still I have hope that perhaps I’ll fall down a well or have to cut my own arm off so that I’ll become interesting enough to write and have it published. Until then I guess I’ll leave the published works to the likes of those apparently far more saleable than myself, like Mike “The Situation.” If they asked me I could write a book – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      MH - Have not read it but I will - thx!

    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 7 years ago from Southern California

      Scott, I love Stephen King's book "On Writing."

      Have you read it?

      It will happen, my friend. You have such talent!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      As always EA, you cleared up A LOT! (even more than the definition of Paradise's big words too which was way over my head - though thanks P for thinking I would know what it meant!)

      EA - you're so right about my 80's perspective on publishing. Time for me to do some homework regarding true e-publishing and the 2010 ways of doing things!

      Thank you, thank you, thanks you!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 7 years ago

      Good Morning from Mr. Writer from Ms. Publisher!!

      You are a GREAT Hub/blog writer!! Many of us will forego Hubs/reading material more specific to our own little areas of interest just to spend a few moments sharing your world and insights!! And humor!!

      I sooooooooooooooo agree with you; there are just too, too, too many people writing books with little to say!! Their only claim to fame is they cheated or swindled more/bigger/longer than others!! And people find it entertaining!!?? (sic)

      Publishing, like everything else, is changing at record speed!! Just last week, announced it now sells MORE eBooks for Kindles, etc. than hard/soft cover books on-line!!??

      If I had more time this morning I would clarify some of the not so accurate comments in your Hub above!! About getting published, rejection letters, ghost writers, gay publishers, coining words, etc. (If you feel you are the originator of the term straightee, enter the facts on Wikipedia!! It's great fun!!)

      In the meantime, I just didn't want you to be taking the brick-wall personally!! You are looking at publishing from a 1980's perspective!! Heck, if you looked at publishing from a 2005 perspective, little would be valid!!

      You have A LOT to offer!! Don't sell yourself short!!

      Have a GREAT day GREAT Scott!!

      Blessings always, Earth Angel!!

      P.S. Even I had to look up autotelic!! GREAT word Paradise7!! 'Autotelic: having a purpose in and not apart from itself'

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 7 years ago from Upstate New York

      Don't give up on getting published, Scott. You're a terrific and very funny writer--just about everything you write has entertainment potential to the max.

      Stephen King papered his walls with rejection slips before he broke in. It ain't easy. Heck, Van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime, for the equivalent of about $12.00.

      What we do is defintely more autotelic than not.

    • profile image

      Amber 7 years ago

      Yep. :) Have a great weekend.