i have discovered I can live everywhere you are not.
it is a bit impulsive to find you in my dark, amorphous thoughts.
i tried to write you a cataclysm. thats where we began, didn't it?
i tried to write you a cataclysm. this is where we end.
the day we met is crystalline.
the day we met was nothing short of mellifluous.
the day we met I almost died.
in a grotesque and rather fulfilling way.
ive tried to write these thoughts before
but they always decayed and became rancid.
as I retrace your mistakes they resonant in my mind.
your destructive tendencies, repugnant in abundance.
merely a parasite in arms way of its zenith.
however, i'll remember you...
for your sociopathic distress.
for your unfortunate desolation.
for your mastery of controlling.
for your ill-disposed critics.
for your treacherous beliefs.
for your performances you would stage
and put me through.
for your self annihilation.
i was once impaired by your judgement.
inebriated with love.
now, I execrate your fate.
i'm guilty too, I partook in this with you.
my suffering was your greatest triumph though.
how euphoric it must have felt diminishing my worth.
it was manifested in your hollow eyes.
i asked you to hurt me once and you must have
thought taking my life would be bittersweet.
you told me in one of your sadistic fits
you wanted to gather every person who ever hurt you
( or the people who you lost your control to )
together in a building, lock the doors and watch them burn.
you told me you wouldn't kill me first or last because I wasn't special.
i then realized you would never be a real martyr.
i believed in the words I expressed myself with too much
but this language wasn't responsible.
i gave you power by facing your misery.
speaking yet voiceless,
in front of you yet faceless.
but still, i'm guilty too.
if I blamed you I wouldn't have cultivated this stillness.
this silence between us has rendered my well-being.
this space between us is where I learned to breathe.
i no longer care to speak to you anymore.
these words don't carry burdens.
these words are a metamorphosis.
i no longer miss the absence of you.
i don't feel guilty for the place I once existed.
i don't feel guilty for realizing
this place was never my home.
i meant nothing to you,
but your nothings once felt like something.
i told you I called you honeycomb
due to its matrix in cells.
a hexagon made of 6 sides.
six sides of completeness.
six sides of balance.
six sides of love.
the number six is a legend.
the number six is ruled by venus.
i am also ruled by the goddess of love.
i fell in love with the symbolism of a honeycomb.
you told me I didn't have emotions.
you told me I couldn't express myself.
you judged me because I was better at words than you.
i always did do it for the words.
i always found pleasure here.
and through these words I found commitment.