- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- How to Write
Canada: You Need More Service Centres
When my sons were young, we would drive 800+ miles nonstop from Virginia to the Murray family homestead in Ontario, Canada. On one such trip, we ran into a little trouble with the OPP—the Ontario Provincial Police. Here is that true tale in verse to the tune of Charlie Daniels’ “Uneasy Rider”:
"OPP--The Canadian Remix"
Takin’ a trip up to Toronto
toolin’ along in my Rodeo
suckin’ down Cokes
and listenin’ to the radio.
Just as we cross the international line
I hear both my sons startin’ to whine
‘bout they got to pee and Daddy, can we stop.
Now it was late, we’d driven all night
and there wasn’t a service centre in sight
so I pulled over to the shoulder and we all got out.
Don’t you know as soon as we unzip
an Ontario policeman stops and starts givin’ us lip
‘bout you can’t urinate in public in Canada.
So I says to him, “That’s pretty dumb,
your bear, moose, and geese urinate, son,
and it ain’t like our urine won’t biodegrade.”
“What? You got a thing against American pee
polluting your land when you have lumberjacks—oui, oui!—
walking around Ontario without any deodorant on?”
He said something about “I guess it’s all right,
just keep your urine to yourselves for the rest of the night,”
so we got in the truck and I fired that Rodeo up.
As soon as I pulled away, I got riled—
I smelled a stinky diaper from my youngest child—
and thought about fertilizing the border with USDA poop.
It was almost enough to make me flip—
it was one of the low-lights of our trip—
but from now on, I’ll go to Toronto … via Montreal.