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Interview with the God of PR and his Sales Manager

Updated on December 25, 2010
Image is relative. So is your family. Go figure.
Image is relative. So is your family. Go figure. | Source

Voiceover: We’re privileged to have with us the God of PR in this fabulous mausoleum on the site of the former “region” of Manhattan. With him is his sales manager, Gene O’Cide. All five interviewers will get one turn to ask two questions.

(Enter God of PR, wearing stylish gold beanie and appropriately placed press releases.  Gene O’Cide is wearing what appears to be a “human”, recently stuffed. The interviewers bow, and everyone takes their seats.)

Interviewer 1

What is the meaning of life?

God of PR

Profitable demographics.

Interviewer 2

What is the true purpose of PR?

God of PR

To provide selective information for personal use.

Interviewer 2 (baffled, and forgetting the turns)

Whose use?

Gene O’Cide

Information isn’t information. It’s interpretation. All information is selective, in some form.  Anybody can use information, in any way. That’s what PR is all about.

Interviewer 3

Did the extinction of the “human” race come as a surprise?

God of PR

No. Market research predicted either that, or a return to cardigans for mating rituals.

Interviewer 4

With the human race gone, what will the PR industry do next?

Gene O’Cide

We’re looking at a broad range of options to fill the gap in the market- Goldfish, gerbils, management scientists, it’s a big field of contenders. We’re looking forward to a period of intense ambiguity.

Interviewer 5

Excuse me for raising what may be a sensitive subject- With humans gone, what are the revenue projections for PR?

God of PR

Excellent. As you know, we are ourselves beyond material and biological needs. The human extinction has created a vast number of lost souls, excellent collateral in our line of work.

Gene O’Cide

Portable, too.

Interviewer 1

Ah- Forgive my ignorance- How do you get them to work as collateral?

God of PR

As you know, we in PR frequently come into contact with soulless individuals. For a commission, we provide them with other people’s souls, and we provide the souls with somewhere else to suffer, also for a commission. Works out quite well.

Gene O’Cide

Before you ask, the commission is paid in obedience and servility. Most people prefer it, because these things are easy to provide and require no intellect.

Interviewer 2

I’m starting to think this question may be irrelevant- How does PR deal with situations?

God of PR

You are correct. There are no situations. We decide what’s an issue and what’s not. You probably noticed that we chose the human extinction period to release information regarding nasal hair etiquette, for example. Any issue can crowd out any number of other issues, if it gets enough publicity. Just a basic management technique.

Interviewer 3

So that’s why the billions of people complaining about being eaten by their tap water were never actually mentioned on the news?

Gene O’Cide

Exactly. Think of the amount of work we’d have had to do. We’d also have had to tell people to turn off the taps, very expensive and labor intensive.

Interviewer 4

What are the obligations of PR?

God of PR

None. Consider that “relations”, by definition, means an intermediary process. PR occurs in the vast space between facts and people. Anything may occur, so obligations cannot be defined, so therefore there are none.

Interviewer 5

What is the future of PR?

God of PR

Tranquility. Peace. Everlasting silence among the dust of intellect. Only in this way may one obtain true enlightenment.

(Fade to black screen)

Voiceover: That concludes our Afterlife Interview with the Stars for this species. Now snuggle up in your graves, folks, it’s likely to be a long eternity.

Comments

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    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      7 years ago from London, UK

      Ver unusual but very intriguing. Well done, Paul.

    • Paul Wallis profile imageAUTHOR

      Paul Wallis 

      7 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I really don't know what comes over me.

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 

      7 years ago from Upstate New York

      Whoa!!! Heavy satire! I liked it--thanks for posting it.

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