I wrote this piece before I met my husband. I never thought I would be the type of woman who could settle down and get married - or even have a child!
The feeling comes and goes. There are days when it is so intense, it threatens to engulf me. While other days, it is barely the whisper of a distant memory. Night and day, I go through the ever inconstant yo-yo of life swinging between the highs and the lows, never knowing when the next peak or pit will throw me into the realm of extremes again. This is the paradox of life that I encouraged by making myself too strong, too independent, too willful. I squelched the natural instincts of that young woman who sought comfort and security in the arms of a man, to become what I now am: powerful and assured - a woman in control of her fate, but a woman intolerant, uncompromising and stubborn, no less.
On most days, I am the formidable fortress - cool and aloof, strong and impenetrable. Nothing can enter the walls of my keep. Untouchable, I face the world without emotion. I stand esoteric and impassive upon my hill, looking out at the world just observing but not a part of it.
But as with all rulers, I bear the same fear - that of losing control over my kingdom. Those fleeting moments when the shadows of apprehension break my resolve are the very destructive thoughts that undermine the safety of my kingdom. It is the vulnerability of the child within that threatens the very foundations of my stronghold. She makes my walls as fragile as porcelain and my city becomes defenseless from the siege engines of life and the world I exist in.
Sometimes I wish I could just surrender my power and allow myself to believe in something greater. I wish it were possible to abdicate my throne and become a part of this world, to be able to feel alive within it and enjoy whatever richness I know it to hold. But alas, I know, it is too late for me. I cannot conform for what once was malleable has been work-hardened beyond any elasticity, that to change would be to break and to survive would mean to remain as I am - a ghost in this world.