It's a Funny Old World!
Saturday Morning 9 a.m.
Got up this morning and made oatmeal porridge in the microwave as usual. Set the timer to 2 minutes 50 seconds and stuck the desert spoon in my mouth ready for stirring (No point leaving it down on the table to pick up germs I thought?). Checked e-mails and HubPage stats while monitoring victims visiting Hubs on Google Analytics Real Time.
"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP" - Microwave tells me porridge is ready.
"Ok - I know , I'm busy - give me a minute!"
Better be careful with this spoon, remember the woman who choked while swallowing her lipstick at the traffic lights - Maybe that was just an urban legend.
"I know, I heard you the first time!"
Try to do some calculations on my new "natural entry" calculator. Who designs these things I thought. I just want to work out the square root of 5 - Why do I have to press "2ndF √ 5 =". Give me a Sharp EL506 any day!
"Ok that's it, I'm going to get a screwdriver at you later and make a few "alterations"
Going to the Store
Need to go to the store for some groceries. I'll take a walk - it'll only take 5 minutes. Two fatties stop and roll down the window of their car.
"Want a lift, we're going down town?"
"No I'll get there too quick", I quip.
Get to store. Quickly gather up some items and take out my ATM card to pay for them. Two people ahead of me in line. Read card to amuse myself. On the back - "In the event of loss of card, please ring this number" - might need to be psychic to read the number , I thought.
I pack my shopping bag in record time. Years of experience playing Tetris has given me an edge. Pay for shopping and leave store. Have to cross busy road. Young guy in car slows down to allow me to cross. Give him a wave to say thanks. Have to do something about this gray hair. He must have mistaken me for a feeble pensioner even though I'm only 46 and can run a mile in 7 minutes!
Dinner 1 p.m Turn on TV. Look at news. Switch to channel 2 and then flick back to channel 1. Dumb TV thinks I want to look at channel 21. Switch back to channel 2. Another one of those teenage soaps is on. Who's pregnant this time?
I Need to Sort my Cell Phone Account
Ring my cell phone service provider, hoping to speak to a human.
"Press 1 for home land line services"
"Press 2 for cell phone"
I press 2.
"Press 1 for credit, 2 for new connections, 3 for handsets, 4 for texting, 5 for accounts"
I press 5.
"Press 1 for new accounts, Press 2 for existing accounts"
Doesn't look as if I'm going to get to speak to a real person. I try pressing "0", "#" and "*" and whistling down phone to confuse the software. Sometimes this works and you get routed to an operator. Not this time though.
"You've chosen too many options - Good Bye"
Mental note - Remember to complain to this well known service provider about rude self service menu!
Cleaning the Brasses
Decide to clean the brasses on the back door. Go out to hall to get some paper towel, one of those blue ones like you find at gas stations. Door has a habit of slowly moving open. Pull a few sheets off roll. Paper snaps and my elbow jerks back. Door unbeknowingly (is this an actual word?) opens behind me and my elbow smacks into one of the panes, breaking the glass.
Looks like it's going to be a long day!
© 2013 Eugene Brennan