Fast Times at Chaos High with Trump and Biden: A Parody
Real Life Debates are Fodder for Parody
The vice presidential debate just came to an end. I feel bad for Mike Pence. I love the guy, support him 100%, and thought he did a phenomenal, credible job; but I fear he will be remembered only for the fly that rested on that gorgeous, meticulous, white hair for several minutes. I thought it would never fly away. It didn't flit back and forth like most pesky flies, it just seemed to settle down and nest. Maybe nice Mike had a hair product that smelled nice. Or...dun dun dun dun...it was secretly giving answers to our Vice President. Would the left go that far...I doubt it, but nothing surprises me anymore.
Presidential debate number one was a train wreck. Mr. Trump and Mr. Biden were both rude. Trump was obnoxious with his constant flow of arguments and interruptions, though no surprise. When I compare his debates back in 2016 though, I'd say he behaved much better this time around (I say this despite my faithful support of his past work and future agenda). If you'll remember, he did a lot of childish, personal insults and basically acted like a delinquent seventh-grader. So that part has improved. Joe had his moments too. Telling someone to shut up in a debate and calling the opponent and current president a clown is also juvenile and rude. The moderator Chris Wallace was biased and failed to call out Biden for name-calling, but he also got caught in the crossfire of a furious debate. I thought to myself, wouldn't if be fun to do a parody of Trump and Biden as literal delinquent high schoolers:
Trump and Biden at Chaos High
At Chaos High, Joe failed his term papers because he plagiarized them from the Gettysburg Address, Lou Gehrig's Farewell to Baseball, and Laurel and Hardy's Who's on First, or people wrote them for him. When the principal addressed him, he said, "Look man, I did a dumb thing, and I'll do more dumb things, but I'm fighting for the soul of my academic record." He didn't have time to tell the principal why and how he did it, or what he would do in the future. There were feminine heads to be sniffed on campus and he was running behind.
Trump was the class clown and school bully. He exasperated his teachers so much they ran their nails down the chalkboard for comfort. He ran for student body president with the motto, "Making yearbooks great again." He won and saved the yearbook committee $500 and use the savings to improve the school lunch menu with junk food. When his grades came in he got A-pluses on economics and math but failed every English course they had. But of course, he accused the teachers of fake grading.
During their senior year, Joe was voted best teeth and most likely to be the first politician to be called sleepy and creepy and not be one of Snow White's dwarfs.
Trump was voted the biggest entrepreneur bully, and most likely to play invisible accordion while making POTUS speeches.
Here's a peek at just a few sentiments written in their yearbooks.
Their high school yearbook put current yearbook photos side by side with an artist's image of what they would look like in their sunset years.
Side by Side Yearbook Photos
Joe was the class valedictorian. His speech was borrowed from Beatles songs:
"When I sat down to write this speech, words were flowing out like endless rain in a paper cup. Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna. Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe. I am he, as you are he, as you are me, and we are all together.
"Now listen, man, picture yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do. Life is very short, and there’s no time for fussing and fighting, my friends. When the broken people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, man, so let it be. We can all get high with a little help from one another.
Living is easy with eyes closed...zzz...number nine, number nine, number nine..."
Sleepy Joe was carried off stage and Donald Trump took over. Playing an invisible accordion with his hands, he spoke with the eloquence of a Bronx taxi driver:
"Well, there you have it folks; your valedictorian fell asleep quoting Lennon and McCartney. But you know, Joe's second rate, so what can I tell you? If you look at my success here at Chaos High School, you'll see what a fantastic job I did on the yearbook budget. I saved lots of money, lots I tell you. I used the money I saved to put diet coke, vanilla cherry ice cream, KFC, and Taco Bell on the school lunch menu. I put the fastest food in the history of our school on the menu. Not only that but because of this new menu, I have brought cholesterol levels up higher than any other high school in the nation. Chaos High School, you should thank me.
"You know, Joe calls me a clown. I'd like to see how many dollars Joe can save when he can even count past number nine...number nine...number nine.
He mugs to the camera and the audience.
"I see Principal Wallace is signaling me to wrap it up. Well, good for him. He's a terrific guy. Many of my friends are school principals, and they're fantastic. And I tell you, I have made the most principal friends in the history of the world. You want to know why? They know I'm smart and I raise and save lots of money on campus. Still waving at me, aren't you Mr. Wallace. Okay, okay, I'm done. See me in my office after the commencement and we'll finish our debate. I'm so glad you all got to see me. God bless you and God bless Chaos High and Sleepy Joe.
As Donald left the stage, the school band played Lord, It's Hard to Be Humble. Joe woke up to collect his diploma, which was copied from the constitution as a joke. Trump's diploma was copied from a Wall Street investment document. And that's the way it was.