Jokes From Greg Laurie
No preacher can keep his congregation in stitches like Pastor Greg Laurie. Don't get me wrong, he is a passionate, anointed preacher, and millions of souls have come to Christ through his ministry, but God has also gifted him with quite a sense of humor and he uses it well in the pulpit for sermon illustrations. He will often tell some ridiculous and hilarious story and in the middle of it say, "This is a true story." Hardy har Pastor Greg.
If Pastor Greg had to moonlight in another profession, it would be stand up comedy. Enjoy.
Genie Gives Man One Wish
This guy was strolling along a California beach when he stumbled upon a lamp in the sand. He gave it a rub and, sure enough, a genie popped out and told him he would grant him one wish.
Anything he wanted.
The guy thought about it and told the genie that he would love to be able to go to Hawaii anytime he wanted, so he would like a highway built from California to Hawaii.
The genie said, “No way! That is impossible! The cement involved, the logistics . . . it’s impossible! Think of something else.”
So the guy thought some more then told the genie, “Help me to understand women. If I could understand women, my life would be so much better and so much easier.”
The genie replied, “Did you want that highway with two lanes or four lanes?”
Husband and Wife Granted a Wish for 40th Wedding Anniversary
A husband and wife were both 60 years old and celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. A genie appeared and said "You guys have been married for forty years. I'd like to grant you each one wish.
The wife said, "I love my husband so much. I would love for use to be together on an island on the south seas." Poof, there they stood on a beach on the south seas.
"Okay," said the Genie, "What do you wish for?"
The husband looked at his wife and said "I would like a wife 30 years younger."
Poof, the man was 90 years old.
You Know You're Having a Really Bad Day When...
You know you're having a really bad day when your pacemaker comes with a thirty-day money back guarantee.
You know when you're having a really bad day when the pest exterminator climbs under your house and never comes out.
You know you're having a really bad day when a copy of your birth certificate arrives in the mail marked "null and void."
You know you're having a really bad day when the restaurant gives you a senior discount without asking, and you're only thirty-seven years old.
You know you're having a really bad day when your wife takes your dog on a vacation and leaves you at the kennel.
You know you're having a really bad day when your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
You know you're having a really bad day when the bird singing outside of your window is a vulture.
You know you're having a really bad day when your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two Hell's Angels.
The Critically Ill Husband
There was a woman whose husband was critically ill and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Through it all, his wife of many years had faithfully stood by his side every single day.
One day he came to and motioned for his dear wife to come closer.
She nestled close, her eyes filled with tears.
"You know what?" he rasped. "You've been with me through all of the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were right there by my side. When we lost the house you didn't leave me. And when my health started failing, you were still by my side."
And then the husband said, "You know what?"
The wife drew a bit closer and said "What?"
"I think you're bad luck."
The Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
I heard a story about three pastors from three different churches in their community who decided to go on a trip to Alaska together to discuss their challenges as members of the clergy.
After they had spent some time together, one pastor began to bare his heart. He shared his struggles, his problems and even specifically confessed sins that he was grappling with at that time.
He encouraged the other two pastors to do the same. The second pastor followed suit, and he, too, disclosed intimate information about his own life. The third pastor wasn’t saying much, so the other two encouraged him to bare his heart and share what he struggled with.
“Well,” he told them, “I wasn’t going to say anything. But the sin I really struggle with is the sin of gossip. I can’t wait to get home.”
Genie Gives Woman One Wish
You may have heard about the woman who was walking along the beach and found a bottle. She picked it up, wiped the sand off, and—poof!—a genie appeared! He said “I will grant you one wish!”
She said, “I thought genies grant three wishes.” The genie responded, “Times are hard; we’ve had to cut back. One wish!”
She pulled out a map of the Middle East and said, “I want these countries to stop fighting and to get along. In fact, I want peace and harmony in all of the world!”
The genie looked at the map and said, “Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been fighting for hundreds of years, and every peace treaty they sign is broken. This simply cannot be done. Wish for something else!”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never found the right man. You know . . . a man who’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning. A man who would get along with my family, and not sit around and watch sports all the time. A man who will smother me with love and affection for all of my life. That is what I wish for: a good man!”
The genie let out a sigh and said, “OK, you win. Let me see that map again!”
Greg's Bald Head Joke
Husband's Murderous Threats
I heard about a woman who went to her pastor and said, “Pastor, I’m so scared. My husband says he will kill me if I keep coming to your church!”
The pastor replied, “Don’t be afraid; have faith in God. God will watch over you.”
She came back many times telling the pastor about this threat and he reassured her, “Don’t be afraid; have faith in God. God will watch over you!”
Then one day she returned and told the pastor, “Now my husband says that if I keep coming here he will kill you!”
The pastor responded, “This might be a good time to start attending that little church across town!”
In a sermon on heaven, Pastor Greg tells the following story of a vision he had:
Yesterday I had a big vision of heaven. I suddenly found myself in heaven and I was welcomed of course by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He takes me to a gigantic room, the biggest room I've ever been in. And in the room, there were what looked like thousands and thousands of clocks on the wall, as far as the eye can see.
I said, "Peter, what are these?"
He said, "Come closer." I looked up and he said, "These are sin-o-meters."
This is a true story, by the way.
I said, "What is a sin-o-meter?"
He said, "Look, underneath every one of these is the name of a person, and every time they sin on earth, the single hand on the clock does one revolution."
I said 'You're kidding me. I'm going to see how spiritual people really are." So I started looking up people. The first one I looked at was John Collins (an associate pastor), and I'm going to be honest - there was a little movement on that sin-o-meter. Every time he sinned '"tch" (he motions the hand going in a circle). Wow, that's a surprise (laughter from the audience).
I looked up Ricky Ryan's from Harvest Kumulani, and even he had movement. I was shocked. I thought his would just have cobwebs on it. But there was movement of Pastor Ricky's.
I looked up Pastor Paul Eaton, and it was '"Tch, tch, tch." It was kind of scary (laughter).
I almost reluctantly looked at my wife Cathe and there were cobwebs all over it. It didn't move at all.
I looked up everyone I knew. I looked up yours (pointing to someone in the audience). I looked up so many people, on every campus and there were pleasant surprises, some shocks. But finally, I thought 'I never saw my sin-o-meter.' And I asked Peter, "Where's my sin-o-meter? Because every time you sin it goes around one time. Where's mine?'
He said, "Oh, we use your sin-o-meter for a fan in the kitchen."
You can find sermons and resources by Pastor Greg Laurie at Harvest.org or subscribe to his YouTube channel.
Which joke made you laugh the hardest?
- Jokes From the Pulpit of Pastor Greg Laurie
Enjoy these funny stories used as sermon illustrations by Pastor Greg Laurie.
© 2019 Lori Colbo