Jokes From the Pulpit of Pastor Greg Laurie
The Use of Humor to Communicate the Gospel
Pastor Greg Laurie uses humor quite often in his sermons. I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to make the joke or share an anecdote to illustrate a point in his message. He is one of those guys who often tells the same jokes, but each time applies it differently, and each time I laugh. And the funny thing is, he can tell the jokes, use the humor, and speak very seriously and powerfully during the same message. I haven't seen many pastors who can do this as effectively as Pastor Laurie. Although it is not included here, Pastor Greg's most humorous moments are when he jokes about his baldness. He really misses his hair and can't wait to have a full head of it one day in heaven (with the nice surfer wave he once wore as a teenage boy). Now that he is getting older, he loves to go nuts with the "You know you're getting old when..." jokes, which he usually ties in with the brevity of life, or for no good reason, just to make us laugh. Tally ho, and here we go.
In sickness and in health
A husband has fallen ill with some very serious symptoms. His wife takes him to the doctor who examines him and runs a complete battery of tests. He tells the man to get dressed and step outside. After the husband is gone, the wife says, "Give it to me straight doctor. What's wrong with my husband?"
"Well, your husband is going to die unless you take some special measures for him."
"Of course doctor, I will do anything to help my husband."
"Then this is what you must do. First of all, you must not allow him to have any stress whatsoever. You must make him three healthy meals a day, do whatever he asks you to do, smother him with kisses all the time and tell him how much you love him, give him whatever he wants or needs, spoil him rotten and wait on him hand an foot, and then your husband will live."
On the way home the husband says to his wife, "Well honey, what did the doctor say? Am I going to get well?"
Without missing a beat the wife says, "It's terminal."
How much time?
A man went to the doctor for symptoms he was having. The doctor ran many tests. When the test results came back, the doctor brought the man into his office to give him the news. "What's the word Doctor? Is it serious?"
"I'm sorry," the doctor said. "Your illness is terminal."
"Tell me, doctor, how long have I got?"
"Ten," said the doctor.
"Ten what? Ten years? Ten months? Ten weeks? Ten days?"
The doctor replied, "nine, eight, seven..."
There was an elderly married couple, each being age eighty-five. They'd been married for sixty years. Strangely, they both died on the same day and went to heaven. The fact is, the couple had been in very good health in the last ten years, primarily due to the wife's interest in healthy eating and exercise.
So they arrive at the pearly gates and Saint Peter escorts them to their beautiful, palatial mansion.
The husband is amazed at the size and extravagant features of the home. "How much is this going to cost?" he asks.
Peter replies, "This isn't going to cost you anything, this is heaven."
The husband and wife make their way to the backyard and are excited to see a beautiful golf course. Every week, the golf course changes to a different model from the most famous courses on earth. The man is once more overwhelmed with joy and asks again, "How much is this going to cost? What are the green fees?"
Peter says "There are no green fees. You play for free. This is heaven."
Peter then escorts the couple to the dining room where there is a lavish buffet with cuisines from all over the world. "How much does it cost to eat here?" the man asks hungrily.
Peter says once again, "It costs nothing, this is heaven. Please understand everything is free."
The man looks around and says "Wait a minute, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?"
Peter replies, "That's the good thing about heaven. You can eat anything you want and you'll never get fat, you'll never get sick, and you'll never die."
The man suddenly gets angry and throws his hat down on the ground and starts stomping up and down on it screaming. Peter and the man's wife say "What is wrong with you? Calm down." The man looks at his wife and says, "If it weren't for your bran muffins, I would have been here 10 years ago."
At the Pearly Gates
A man arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter takes his name and looks for his name in the book of life.
"Hey buddy, I'm sorry but I really can't find anything on you. It's not that I'm finding the bad, but I just can't find anything good either. If you can tell me one thing you did on earth that was good, you're in."
"Oh, I can think of one thing right off," the man said. "One time, I was driving down the road and I saw a motorcycle gang surrounding this woman whose car had broken down. I pulled my car over, popped the trunk, and pulled out a tire iron. I ran over there, pushed through all the bikers and said, 'If you want to get to her, you're going to have to go through me first.' Then I bonked a biker on the head."
Saint Peter said, "Wow, that's impressive. When did that happen?"
"About three minutes ago," the man said.
Happy 25th-anniversary dear
A husband and wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. The husband said, "Honey, for our 25th anniversary, I'm taking you to China."
The wife was so excited she could hardly stand it. "Oh darling, that's so exciting. If you're going to take me to China on our 25th, what will you do on our 50th?"
"Pick you up," the man replied.
The Secret of a Long and Happy Marriage
A couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary were being interviewed. The husband was asked what the secret was to such a long, successful marriage.
"Well," he said, "it started on our honeymoon." Then he told this story :
For our honeymoon, my wife and I went to the Grand Canyon. We were riding the little pack mules one day. I noticed my wife's pack mule stumbled a little bit. My wife leaned down near the mule's ear and said, "That's one."
I thought that was kind of strange but dismissed it. The mule stumbled again and she said to him, "That's twice."
I wondered what on earth my wife meant. The mule stumbled again and she said, "That's three." Then she whipped out a 357 magnum and shot the mule dead.
Incredulous, I said to my wife, "Why did you do that? You can't go around blowing the brains out of animals. That's terrible. What were you thinking?"
She looked at him, pointed her finger in his face and said, "That's one."
How do you feel about humor in the pulpit?
Jake and Bessie
Jake and Bessie found each other in their old age. He was 92, she was 89. They decided to get married and they were so excited. One day the engaged couple went to a local pharmacy.
Jake ran into the owner and said, "Pardon me, sir, are you the owner of this establishment?"
"Yes I am," said the man.
"Well, I was wondering if you sell heart medication here?"
"Yes sir, we do."
"And how about medication for arthritis, Parkinson's and jaundice?"
"Yes, we sell those too."
"And do you also sell Geritol, Dentucream, and reading glasses?"
"Yes sir, we sell all that stuff."
"And how about wheelchairs, canes, and walkers, do you sell those too?"
"Yes sir, we sell all those things and more."
Jake said, "Good, because I am going to marry this lovely lady here and we would like to register to get our wedding gifts here."
The Mother-In-Law Who Died
A man and his wife went on a sight-seeing trip to the Holy Land. The man's nagging, critical mother-in-law accompanied them. During the trip, the mother-in-law died. He went to the local undertaker to find out his options.
"Well," the undertaker said, "for $5000 we can ship her home. But for $150 you can bury her here in Israel."
The man thought for a few minutes and said: "I think I'll have her shipped home."
"Didn't you hear what I said?" the undertaker asked. "I told you it would only cost you $150 to bury her here. You could save a few thousand dollars."
"Well," said the man, "I've heard that around here there once was a man who died and came alive again. I just can't take that chance."
A Wayward Clergymen
A pastor decided he wanted to play golf one Easter Sunday. So he called the associate pastor and told him he wasn't feeling well and couldn't preach. The associate promised to take his place in the pulpit and said they would pray for him.
So bright in early on Easter morning the pastor drives 80 miles to a golf course thinking he wouldn't run into anyone he knew. At that time an angel says to God, "Do you see that guy, Lord, playing hooky from preaching just to play golf. Are you going to let him get away with that?"
"No," says the Lord.
So the preacher swings his club and the ball goes three hundred yards and lands only a few inches from the hole.
"Wow." said the angel. "Lord, did you see what he just did? Why did you allow him to do that?"
The Lord replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Honey, get ready for church
One Sunday morning a wife is all dressed and ready to go to church. She says to her husband, "Honey, why aren't you ready for church?"
"I'm not going." he said, "and I'll give you three reasons why: One, the people are cold. Two, no one likes me, and three, I don't want to go."
The wife replied, "I'll give you three reasons to go. One, the congregation are warm. Two, some people like you. And three, you're the pastor. So let's go.
Farmers in the Big City
A farmer and his wife and son decide to get in their old pick-up truck and drive in to see the big city for the first time. The family sees skyscrapers and tall buildings all around. The Farmer drops off his wife at a particular building and says, "Go in there and wait for us to park."
The wife goes in and wanders around while waiting. The man and his son enter the building and come to a wall where two shiny metal doors open up by themselves for no reason. Out walks a little old lady, hobbling with her cane. The door mysteriously closes by itself. The man and his son marvel. A few seconds later, the magic doors open again and out walks a beautiful young model. The farmer, thinking he'd just seen an old lady turn into a young woman said, "Son, hurry and get your mother."
More Fun, Holy Humor
A man was down on his luck. He'd lost his job, his unemployment had run out, and he could not find a job anywhere.
One day a friend says, "Hey Joe, I heard there's some sort of job opening at the zoo. Why don't you check it out." Joe didn't know much about animals but he was desperate.
The zoo director meets Joe at the door with a handshake. He tells Joe the job opening has been filled but there is one job that is still open.
"What is it?" Joe asks.
"Well, you see, our gorilla died recently and he was our most popular attraction. We need someone to don a gorilla suit and play gorilla all day. It pays well."
"I can do that," says Joe. So he dons the suit the first day. He starts making gorilla noises and swings around a bit on some vines. Not bad. This goes on for a week and Joe gets more and more into his role each day. One day he is posturing and swinging wildly from the vines, putting on a show like no other. Suddenly, he loses control and sails through the air landing into the lion exhibit next door.
Joe is terrified, and freezes. The lion looks at him hungrily and starts stalking closer to Joe. Joe backs up against the wall and starts screaming. "Oh my God, help me."
The lion gets right up to him, nose to nose and says, "Shut up stupid, or you'll get us both fired."
It's hot down here
There was a man who lived in Chicago. It was very cold there so he decided to take a vacation down in Florida. His wife was on a business trip but was scheduled to meet him there the next day. When he arrived in Florida, he thought he'd email her and let her know he had arrived okay. He accidentally got one letter wrong in the email address and the message went to a little old lady whose pastor husband had just died the day before. She read the email and shrieked and fainted. The family came running into the room to see what had happened. They saw the screen and read the message.
"Dearest wife, just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow."
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
The End is Near
A group of Christians are standing on a street corner holding out a sign that says, "The end is near, turn around and go the other way." A car came up to the curb and a man shouted out to them:
"Get away from me you religious nuts," and he continues around the bend. The Christians heard the screeching of tires followed by a tremendous splash. One Christian turned to the others and said, "Do you think we just should have put up a sign that said, "The bridge is out, turn around?"
A man decides to rob a house during the middle of the night. He enters the house while all is dark and quiet. After a few steps in, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
The man is kind of freaked. He hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."
He whips out his flashlight. He hears the voice again, "Jesus is watching you."
His flashlight finally finds the source of the voice. It's a parrot. 'Oh, it's just a dumb parrot,' he thinks. He lowers his flashlight a few feet and there is a vicious looking dog, baring his teeth.
The parrot cries out, "Sic 'em Jesus."
The Man Named Odd
There was a man whose name was Odd. All his life he had to put up with jokes about his name.
"What's your name?"
"Your name is Odd? That's odd."
In his old age, Odd told his family he wanted nothing on his headstone. He didn't want to be remembered with jokes. So the old man Odd died and they left his headstone blank. As people would file past his grave, they looked at the blank headstone, and seeing it was blank would say, "That's odd."
Who is Pastor Greg Laurie
Greg Laurie is the senior pastor of Harvest Christian Fellowship in Riverside, CA. He is also the evangelistic speaker at the Harvest Crusades, and Harvest America, national and international evangelistic events in large venues, and technological media. He has written many books, including the award-winning books, The Upside Down Church, and Lost Boy, his autobiography. He can also be heard on his nationally syndicated radio program "A New Beginning."
Briefly, Greg, a troubled youth from an alcoholic home, immersed in but dissatisfied with the drug culture, came to faith during the Jesus movement in the 1970s on his high school campus. It wasn't long before he was in church at Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa where he was pastored and mentored by Pastor Chuck Smith. By 1973 he took over a Bible study of 30 people that no one wanted to conduct in Riverside, CA. That Bible study quickly became a church, Harvest Christian Fellowship, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Greg Laurie is known for his evangelistic messages and excellent, biblical, expository preaching and teaching.
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© 2011 Lori Colbo