- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing
By: Wayne Brown
News Flash! All hell just broke loose somewhere on the planet and guess what? One of the Kardashians was present. These folks are like cockroaches…they are everywhere. If you see one of them, you can bet there are many more somewhere out of site. These folks get around faster than Superman when he’s wearing a clean cape. I, for one, have had a belly full of it and can no longer gaze upon the magazine rack at the local Kroger for fear of spotting one of them on the cover. At first glance, it looks like a photo of a fat Italian broad, but wait, I’m wrong for it is truly one of those beautiful Kardashians.
Doesn’t it just grind on you when someone cannot get enough of a certain letter of the alphabet…like in this case, “the K”? Oh, let’s spell all our names with a “K”….first and last. How special! It is exactly what some immature bunch of giggling high-school girls in full braces would call “so cute”. Well, I for one am sick of cute and want some kind of government reform to be exercised over it. They say anything to excess runs the risk of giving one Cancer. I am dangerously close to such over-exposure with the Kardashians leaving me to have to close my eyes quickly when I spot a magazine stand nearby.
I am totally amazed by the level of exposure these people have in the media. If they have any talent, I have yet to see it performed in the public arena. What is their skill…is it their uncanny ability to be anything but what they are? Some people struggle their entire lives for fame and fortune and end up dead without it even though they had an immense depth of talent. But these women, these escapees from a dyed blonde hair institution just seem to come by it all naturally. I am surprised that their mother is not trying to have another one which she can pin a cute little “K” type name upon. The name most fitting the occasion would need to be some variation of “Late”….say like drop the “L” and hang the “K” and call her Kate. Here she is world, Miss Kate Kardashian, totally devoid of talent but ever so popular with you and I for some reason totally unknown to us.
As I studied this Kardashian species for a pedigree, I learned more than I really ever wanted to know of them and the origin of the letter “K”. It all starts with mother, Kris, who met attorney Robert Kardashian back in 1978 or before…who the hell knows. They were married from 1978 until 1990. You might remember Mr. Kardashian as an attorney for O.J. Simpson. Robert died of cancer in 1990, but in the 22 years between his marriage to Kris in 1978 and his death in 1990, these two bred like wild rabbits and everything that was of the female genre came away with a “K” name, cute like mama’s.
The first born was a girl and took on the moniker, “Kourtney”. Her middle name is “Mary” but they could not find a way to spell it with a “K”. She was born April 18, 1979 and the rabbits immediately went back to work. On October 21, 1980, Kimberly Noel made her appearance suffering the same problem with the spelling of her middle name. Then came another little lady, “Khloe” (Khloe Alexandra) born 27 June 1984. Khloe was followed by a brother on March 17, 1987. His name was Robert George…without the “K”. I am told that their mother did not breast-feed any of them but instead elected to raise them on a diet of “Special K” cereal. Perhaps that is a clue to this mystery.
After the daddy-rabbit, Robert Kardashian passed on in 1990, Mama Kris then married famed Olympic athlete, Bruce Jenner and immediately began pressuring him to take on a first name starting with “K”. So far, Bruce has withstood the pressure but could go off the deep end at any time considering he is the only one without a “K” in his name in the entire household.
When I began to look around for some talent or skill in this bunch, I came up empty for my efforts. It seems that the ball began rolling in the public eye when oldest daughter, Kourtney, decided to film her sexual escapades with then boyfriend, hip-hop singer, “Ray-J”. Though it was considered a “private video”, it somehow got sold on the open market, possibly due to a shortage of funds on the part of Ray-J. You know, it does not take a detective to figure it out…when only two people know the tape is running and one, Kourtney, says she didn’t sell it…what does that leave ya? Come on, Ray-J, fess up!
So there you are. Fame came in the form of a “boodie-call”. Once that tape was on the streets, the public was willing and ready to see a lot more of Ms. Kourtney. Apparently that “Special K” had worked its magic in all the right places. Naturally, it was easy then to conclude that if the public reveled in seeing one Kardashian naked, the whole bunch would be an added treat. With that thought in mind, they then began filming “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” in 2007 featuring Kris, Kourtney, Kimberly, Khloe and sometimes brother, Robert. Then in small letter at the bottom of the cast list is added “with bruce jenner” in small font. Poor ol’ Bruce…maybe he needs a facelift to cheer him up!
And there you are folks, just the way it all happened and the whole basis for why every time you turn a korner, there’s a picture of a Kardashian. And no, I did not spell “korner” wrong…I used the “cute way”. It kind of reminds me of the opening line from the television series, “Sky King” which goes something like “And out of the blue of the western sky comes….” The Kardashians, of course…with bruce jenner.
So, mom and dad, if you have a little one playing on the floor there in front of you and his or her actions make you feel that they will never play the piano or rock guitar; never win a downhill ski competition in the Olympics, or run for a touchdown in the NFL, do not despair. There are things that you can do. First, get working on another one as quickly as you can. If this is to be successful, you have multiply like rabbits. Secondly, begin picking out cute names all spelled with the same first letter. Then, make a sex tape using the best looking one getting it on with a rap singer and let it accidently get sold on the streets. You’re in the money, baby!
Why just think of all the ways that are still out there to employ the brand value of the Kardashian name in the USA today. Why not sell a new doughnut line called the “Kardashian Krispy-Kreme? How about a “Kardashian Kredit-Kard” or, maybe you would like a race track where one can rent a “Kardashian Kart” to race around the turns. One could also find success in creating an elite housing development called the “Kardashian Kibbutz” complete with small vegetable gardens in the backyard. Then there is a line of neck bling for dogs lovingly referred to as a “Kardashian Kollar”. At the airport, you could get your boarding pass from a glitzy “Kardashian Kiosk”. Then for dessert while dining at your favorite restaurant, how about a great big slice of “Kardashian Karrot Kake” to top off your meal? The possibilities are endless and no skill is required.
My research has also helped me to understand another area of my thinking in which I was wrong…the Kardashians are not chubby Italian women at all, absolutely not…they are Armenian. Now I no longer have to stare at the cover of “People” magazine in the line at Kroger and wonder why they would have an over-weight Italian woman on the cover. Now I know, it’s just Khloe and she’s put on a few pounds. Who says you can’t find work in America unless you have a skill…take it from the Kardashians…none needed.
©Copyright WBrown2012. All Rights Reserved. 22 July 2012