ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Karma and Me.

Updated on March 26, 2014

A new years resolution.
I had one.
But who didn't?
Who doesn't buy into the "this is my year, I'm gonna change" bullshit?
Who doesn't make big promises or create false dreams for themselves?
On that day, and maybe for a week or so after, we're all chasing our dream.
But 99% of the time...
The walls break down...
The cliffs erode...
And we're right back where we started.
Well... I did the opposite.

At the beginning of this year, I decided my resolution was to become a better person.
A better son, a better friend, a better employee, a better human being.
And... well... It got off to a rocky start.

I won't say what I did, but I will say that I hurt several people, unintentionally, but selfishly to kick off the new year. I was confused and overwhelmed and I let it affect myself and those close to me.
But in late February, I kicked it into high gear.
I started being more sincere, more level-headed, more compassionate, and kinder to people.
I began to believe that empathy was the most powerful of human qualities and one that should be embraced by everyone.
Did a million dollars fall into my lap? No.
Did Bleacher Report call me up and ask to sign a big flashy contract? No.
And did I feel better about myself? Kinda... But nothing too crazy.

That's when the wheels started coming off.
Literally. My car broke down at one in the morning.
It was the beginning of a very long, and very painful month.
I hit rock bottom.
I started fights with some of the most important people in my life, I was being abused by and eventually let go by my job, I wasn't speaking to the majority of my family, and those I was were incredibly cruel and heartless to, and I lost my very best friend in the whole world.

Suddenly, I found myself unemployed, overweight, single, and unmotivated, drunkenly staggering across the beach.
At this point, I'd like to say that I was strong.
That I handled myself with grace and picked myself up, without help from anyone.
But I'd be lying.

I hit rock bottom, and it hit back... hard.
And I folded like a cheap plastic chair.
I found myself getting comfortable in a place of endless self-pity. I went to the person who I thought could help me find answers, and was punished with more questions.
Trapped inside of my own head, I began to think about the end.
I began to believe there was only one solution to my temporary problems.

I mean, why would I keep going?
I felt so inadequate.
People kept screwing me over when all I did was try to help.
I was trying to be the very best Ryan that I could be on this earth and I was being punished.
What was the point?

Well. After about a week of doing relentless damage to my liver, I hit the lowest point.
I drove off, into the darkness, with the intention to stay there, to never return.

But, oddly enough, that's where I found myself.
That's where I re-discovered something I had misplaced three years ago.
My faith.

Now, this isn't going to turn into a cheesy religious post, because that's not where I place my faith.
I rediscovered my faith in myself, in humanity, and in the glorious unpredictability of the universe.

Somebody once said that control is an illusion, that safety is an illusion.
And they were so right.
For the longest time, I tried to dictate how things would happen.
I got seriously burned and I was choking the life out of everything I held dear, trying to prevent it from hurting me like I had been hurt before.
I became so afraid of life, that I allowed myself to become content with something less.

That's when it hit me.
I had so many people in my life, who sat there, by my side as I made an absolute ass out of myself. When I lashed out at them for getting too close, they didn't blink, they didn't run, they didn't cower.
Not all of them.
Some people didn't seem too concerned. Some people got too angry. And others just rolled over and went back to sleep.

But I realized that I had so much in my life that I held onto because it made me feel comfortable or safe, that were actually doing the most damage.
There were people I was defending or keeping around who did awful things to me, without a single concern for my happiness or emotional health. I'm not blaming them, or saying they were wrong. To err is human, and I certainly have done some erring in my time. But those people were people that I relied on, that I loved, that I needed, and they took advantage of said dependence and used it to hurt me. Not cool.

And that next day, I woke up, feeling like a million bucks.
I got a group of my friends together that I hadn't seen in months and we just goofed off like a day hadn't passed. And when I went home? I fell asleep.
I didn't toss or turn or cry or weep, I just lay down and went to sleep.
What a terrible rhyme, I'm so, so, so sorry.

The day after that, things started coming together for me.
I got a job offer at a place that treated their employees much better than my previous job.
My best friends offered me the opportunity to move in with them in a couple of months.
All the working out I was doing was finally starting to show.
And, well, some other things happened, that I don't wanna spoil by talking about too soon.

As I said earlier, I'm not a religious man.
I don't need to pray or wish for good luck.
I don't believe in luck.
Luck is for losers.
But... When I sat down and started doing things the right way, all of the poison, all of the venom left my system. It didn't leave comfortably or without a fight, but it left.
And now, I'm left with all I've ever really wanted.

A clean conscience, a fresh start, and nothing but a pocketful of dreams and a great group of friends.

I'm not saying I found my happily ever after, or that those even exist.
I think, what I'm trying to say is that I'm finally in position to grow naturally, healthily, and in the right direction.

I don't know where that leads. Or to whom that leads. But I know, finally, for once in my life, I'm going there.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • LongTimeMother profile image

      LongTimeMother 

      4 years ago from Australia

      I don't bother with New Years Resolutions. I'm happy to resolve to make changes any day of the year if I consider them necessary, but that rarely happens.

      I learned a long time ago that life shouldn't be a battle. I suggest you just go with the flow, make the most of what's available, work with what you have, and enjoy the journey. You'll get the good and the bad, but the way you appreciate and cope with every one of those experiences will help define who you become.

      Good luck. :)

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)