KeKe's Big Surprise
- KeKe's Krazy Journal Part 1
Why did I try on a bikini first? I looked at myself in the mirror, gasped and stumbled into a chair. I looked like an Amazon stuffed into baby swimwear.
- KeKe's Krazy Journal Part 2
I spent the day with my best friend Nora and her sister, Marci. Nora and I have been friends since we were knee high to a duck’s butt. Unlike me, the two sisters have always known what they wanted to be in life. Ever since we were young girls, Nora d
Who's Your Granny?
What a day! I took Aunt Dot some chicken noodle soup this afternoon. She caught a cold when she came home from the hospital after falling through her kitchen ceiling. When I arrived at her house she was in her rocker with her cat on her lap. She hadn’t landed on top of him after all. Apparently, he was next door getting the neighbor’s cat pregnant at the time Aunt Dot decided to nose dive into her kitchen from the attic.
She had the chills so I fixed her some hot tea and soup. While she ate, I thought I’d be helpful and take the folded laundry she had on the sofa upstairs to put it away. I opened her dresser drawer and next to the Depends and granny panties was a box of condoms and a sex toy. I quickly covered my mouth to muffle my shriek. The surprise, shock and disgust of it all weakened my knees and I stumbled backwards onto her bed.
I wanted to take out my eyeballs, soak them in bleach before putting them back in my head. She’s eighty two – I thought things were shut down at that age. I popped off the bed like a jack in the box when I thought about what she might be doing in that bed.
When I went back downstairs I sat across from her on an uncomfortable Liberace inspired gold sofa. All I could do was stare at her powdered face, support hose and sandals. I guess I looked liked I’d seen a condom toting dildo wielding granny ghost because she asked me, “What the hell you looking like that for?” I told my grandmother everything, but at this moment all I could do was point upstairs. She looked puzzled until a shameless grin elongated the lines on her face.
She proudly stated she was seeing Walter Morse, fifty, who works at the deli in the grocery store. I babbled something like why didn’t you tell me? She leaned in (dagger drawn) for the kill and said she didn’t want me to feel bad. After all what forty year old single woman with no prospects and who hadn’t had sex since Reagan was in office wanted to know her octogenarian grandmother was getting more action. She twisted the knife with, “I’d hoped your Mojave Desert would have gotten a little rain by now so I could tell you.”
I fell back on the sofa trying to cover up my wound. Was this the sweet old granny I’d so lovingly watched at Thanksgiving stuff the leftover turkey bones into her purse so she could take them home and make stew? “But he’s so much younger,” I gasped. She cut me off before I could finish, “You can be any age you want in the dark.” “How long have you been seeing him?” The words propelled from my throat in one long wheeze. She said, “Off and on for a few years -- mainly when I get the need. Now that you know, how about helping me pick out some things from Victoria’s Secrets?”
I had to get out of there. The cold hearted bitter truth hit me like a ton of bricks on the drive home as thong shaped Depends and granny panty lingerie danced in my head. How could she be having more sex than me -- and with toys? I know the whole cougar thing is in fashion, but she’s more like a Saber-Toothed Tiger.
Thoroughly depressed, I ate a gallon and a half of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream – there goes my diet. Bloated and uncomfortable I laid on my sofa for the rest of the night. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been on a date and I didn’t know why. I’m attractive in a Lucille Ball kind of way and I have a great career as a Buyer for a major department store. I own my own home and I’m independent. But for some reason guys don’t approach me. I go to a bar with friends and it’s like I’m wearing kryptonite perfume.
Nora has been dying for us to try on-line dating. Maybe I should give it a try – lose the final ten pounds and get a makeover. Yeah, it’s time for a change -- stay tuned.