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11 Lame Limericks of Love and Lustfulness

Updated on February 27, 2017
Jodah profile image

John values the use of humour and enjoys writing and reading limericks and jokes. He is a fan of Monty Python, Mr Bean, Black Books etc.

Source

Choosing a topic

My process of writing a collection of limericks is first to choose a topic. This is the easy part, whatever comes into my head. My previous topics have been 'life', 'tv and movie characters' and 'sport'. This time I decided to choose 'love' as it is the most popular subject for poetry. However limericks by their very nature tend to lend themselves to leaning towards the ruder side of things, so although I had good intentions, some of these tend to contain 'adult themes' as the movies say.

Therefore I decided to alter the title from "Limericks of Love" to "Lame Limericks of Love and Lustfulness". I hope you enjoy my fourth collection of limericks.

Sculpture by Barbara St Jean
Sculpture by Barbara St Jean | Source

A Good Fit

There was a young couple in love,

Brought together by God up above.

When they were apart

It broke both their hearts.

Her name was Hands, and his Glove.

Source

The Pearl Diver

A tanned deep-sea diver, Tom Sirl

Was desperately needing a girl.

While diving one day

He shouted, "Hooray!"

He's caught a sweet mermaid named 'Pearl.'

Source
Source

Courting Couple

A couple from London were courting,

Though it may not have seemed very sporting.

When they drove to the lake,

His clothes off he's take,

Then she'd run away laughing and snorting.

I'm Behind You

A fellow with love on his mind,

Had a thing for a curvy behind.

He met this big girl

Who'd sway and she'd twirl.

Oh she was a wonderful find.

Source
Source

Over My Dead Body

A couple were due to be wed,

But the bride's mother suddenly said,

"If you marry that guy

Your father will die!

With my blessing, please go ahead."

Yankee Doodle

A horny young soldier named Frank

Spent most of the war in a tank.

Though from the U.S of A

That isn't to say,

The reason they called him a 'Yank.'

Source
Source

King of the Ring

True love is a beautiful thing,

It is often sealed with a ring.

As husband and wife

You're a couple for life,

As long as you treat him like King.

Source
Source

Love at First Sight

Their eyes met in the candlelight,

It was clearly love at first sight.

She smiled as he rose

Up onto his toes,

Just as tall as the table in height.

Source

Roses are Red

Roses are red and violets are blue,

Honey is sweet and so are you,

Sunflowers are bright,

Except in the night,

So let's get together and ..garden.

Source
Source

Heart Race Disgrace

I met a beauty who made my heart race,

I asked her to come see my place.

She stepped in the door'

Took one look at the floor,

And said, "What an utter disgrace!"

Source
Source

The Internet Date

A pretty young girl known as Kate

Agreed to an Internet date.

The fellow she met

Who looked good on the Net,

Turned out obese, ugly, and late.

Source

© 2014 John Hansen

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    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 7 weeks ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Shyron, thanks for finding this Hub. Glad you enjoyed these limericks. They are fun to write, you should give it a go.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 7 weeks ago from Texas

      John, this is one that I missed, they so funny. I should try a few limericks.

      Blessings my friend.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you Fullerman. I enjoyed writing these.

    • Fullerman5000 profile image

      Ryan Fuller 3 months ago from Louisiana, USA

      These were great. I especially loves the Heart Race Disgrace. I remember that Friends episode. This was a fun hub.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you, Galaxy Rat. Glad you got a laugh from these.

    • GalaxyRat profile image

      GalaxyRat 3 months ago from The Crazy Rat Lady's House

      Haha. I love these. Good job!

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 5 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you for reading these, Demas. I appreciate your kind comment. Blessings to you.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 months ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Great illustrations and good efforts, John. Here's to you and yours!

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 6 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks Dream On. They'll be here.

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 months ago

      I started to read them but I ran out of time.I will be back for my daily dose of laughter.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 6 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Hey, Dream On. Thanks for checking out my limericks and leaving such an encouraging comment. Glad they made you laugh, that was my aim. If you want more you may like to check out my other Limerick hubs listed at the end of this one. Thanks again.

    • DREAM ON profile image

      DREAM ON 6 months ago

      I could read your limericks all day. Great hub and you got my morning off on the right foot. I'm still laughing. No I'm not done yet. Love the pictures too. Reading each limerick again one by one because they were so good. Funny and witty as they were. I still beg for more.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for the thumbs up Chris, glad you didn't find them all lame.. :)

    • Chriswillman90 profile image

      Krzysztof Willman 2 years ago from Parlin, New Jersey

      Some of these are quite funny rather than just lame. Many of the pictures are also quite humorous and match up well with the limerick. Very entertaining voted up.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Haha Perspycacious...you may be right about chef de jour. Thanks for reading and liking "Over My Dead Body".

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Mountainlife. I think someone just posted that pic on Facebook. I have seen it a couple of times. Not sure of the original source.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      For chef de jour - (last line) he liked what he couldn't even see.

      I add my vote to the others for "Over My Dead Body". Great twist.

    • Mountainlife profile image

      Mountainlife 2 years ago

      Where did you get that smiley face picture at the beginning? I love it!

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you for finding the time to read this, I know how busy life can get Lady Fiddler. It is difficult when you are following a lot if people too to get around to reading everyone's hubs. Glad you found these funny, I appreciate your kind comments. My day has just begun but it should be ok thank you. Take care.

    • LadyFiddler profile image

      Joanna Chandler 2 years ago from On planet Earth

      Hi good day Jodah sorry it took me so long to get here but I have been mighty busy lately. Your hub is a fun read :) I do hope you are having a wonderful day :)

      Keep up the talented work !

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Sweets21, thank you for reading another of my hubs. Glad these gave you a laugh to start the day.

    • Sweets21 profile image

      Sweets21 2 years ago

      This is so funny! There's nothing better than having a good laugh and you have definitely achieved that for me. Made my morning!

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you for the visit and comment Mark. I appreciate the vote up too.

    • Mark Lees profile image

      Mark Lees 2 years ago

      I have always loved limericks, a delightfully simple yet surprisingly subtle form of poetry.

      Voted up.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for checking out my hubs Mira. I'm glad you got a laugh out of a few of these limericks. When I am having trouble thinking of a subject to write about I find I can always come up with new limericks. I appreciate your kind comment.

    • Mira Fang profile image

      Mira Fang 2 years ago from Canada

      'Over My Dead Body', 'King of the Ring' and 'The Pearl Diver' were my favourites in that order. I had a good laugh over a few of them. I am so glad you decided to go back to writing. You surely have the talent for it!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      haha Suzanne, I am in touch with my feminine side. Thanks for reading and relating.

    • Suzanne Day profile image

      Suzanne Day 2 years ago from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

      So true!!! The title grabbed me for this hub, then I read the poem about internet dating and I went "that's me!" and "it totally sux!". Voted awesome because I don't know how you think like a girl but you get it ;)

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Colleen, yes I think in some cases that may be true. Thanks for reading and commenting.

    • Colleen Swan profile image

      Colleen Swan 2 years ago from County Durham

      Hi Again, I especially liked your limerick about a husband as king. It has been said that a man treats a woman like a princess or queen until she puts the wedding ring on; at that point she is transformed into a maid.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi again Vellur, glad you found these limericks funny.

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 2 years ago from Dubai

      LOL!! Enjoyed reading!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you Catherine, glad you enjoyed. "Over My Dead Body" seems the most popular so far.

    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 3 years ago from Orlando Florida

      Loved the limericks. Great fun. I liked over my dead body.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for that Kevin.

    • The Examiner-1 profile image

      The Examiner-1 3 years ago

      I thought that those limericks were witty John. I could not rate the last video because I was either reading the English translation, or just watching and not knowing what they said. I voted it up, shared and pinned it.

      Kevin

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Ryem, that is a very kind thing for you to say. Thank you.

    • Ryem profile image

      Ryem 3 years ago from Maryland

      Jodah, your hubs never disappoint. These limericks are great!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for that Nellieanna though you din't need to explain. Limericks are just so much fun for me to write and somewhat of an outlet when I am having trouble thinking of a subject or inspiration for a more serious poem or topic.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you sweet Kim, I appreciate your kind comment and smile. I just found out ads have been disabled on this by a personal hub review (not an automated one) which means someone complained about the content. I am sure it was due to a certain "behind" pic...oh well, what's a few ads. Have a great one.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you Cat, glad you enjoyed these little ditties to start the day.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 3 years ago from TEXAS

      Of course, I didn't think you were in competition with Martin - or anyone. It was just by way of complimenting your own great limericks by comparing them with a master of the form. It's a very special skill which some have and others (don't I know it!) lack. hehe. Just rhyming the lines is not enough to make great limericks, nor are other poetic talents. For limericks, a most fine-tuned with-the-times humor AND the rhyming skill which distinguish the genre are needed! It's a pleasure to read good ones! Hugs.

    • cat on a soapbox profile image

      Catherine Tally 3 years ago from Los Angeles

      John,

      These are absolute gems!! I am still smiling at "Over My Dead Body."

      What a great way to start the day!

      Cat :)

    • ocfireflies profile image

      ocfireflies 3 years ago from North Carolina

      My Dearest John,

      What a treat. It is hard to choose which one I like the best, but "Courting Couple, Over My Dead Body and Yankee Doodle" are my top three. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. Hope to have my entry for Bill's song challenge published within the next year. Smiles.

      My Best To You,

      Kim

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for reading MsDora. It seems "Over My Dead Body" is the most popular. :)

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Nellianna, thanks for your contribution :) and kudos. MHatter (Martin) is certainly very accomplished at limericks and I'm not trying to compete with him, just put my own little piece of humour out there. Glad you found these funny.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you Jamie.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 3 years ago from The Caribbean

      Though I'd hate to be part of this experience, my favorite is Over My Dead Body. They're all funny.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 3 years ago from TEXAS

      How amusing is our dear John,

      With the limericks he plays fully ‘round!

      His humor is racy,

      His purpose we may see

      When Kudos come in with loud sound!

      Here are mine! WOO-HOO! WOW, OH WOW! You’re GOOD at this stuff! :-) Our HP limerick king, MHatter, had better watch it! ;-) (However, he’s very good too!)

    • jhamann profile image

      Jamie Lee Hamann 3 years ago from Reno NV

      Awesome Jodah, I love them! Jamie

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you for the congratulations Nadine, glad you are back online. Thanks for reading this hub.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 3 years ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      What a great collection of lyrics Joday. I missed your posts because we have been off line and the emails did not get through. Congratulations on winning the Hubbie award. Well done!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you Sujaya.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you so much Gypsy, that is very kind of you. Glad you found these limericks enjoyable, and thank you for the vote up and sharing. Much appreciated.

    • sujaya venkatesh profile image

      sujaya venkatesh 3 years ago

      a good collection jo

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and awesome. This was fantastic and I enjoyed it lots. Passing this on. No wonder you won that Hubbie award. Congrats and well deserved!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Haha Phyllis, I am sure Frank will recover. Thanks for re-reading.

    • Phyllis Doyle profile image

      Phyllis Doyle Burns 3 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

      My sincere apologies to our dear friend Frank, Jodah. Hope he can forgive me. LOL I came back to read the limericks again. Lots of fun.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      You got it Eric ;)

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      He is a good looking chap. Don't know what she's complaining about.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      ;) funny

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Sorry for the distractions Frank..not! :) Glad you found these enjoyable.

    • Jodah profile image
      Author

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks Faith, sleep well. Glad these helped you go to bed smilng.

    • Eric Flynn profile image

      Eric Wayne Flynn 3 years ago from Providence, Rhode Island

      If "Yankee Doodle" is what I think, I dig it, ha.

      EWF

    • Phyllis Doyle profile image

      Phyllis Doyle Burns 3 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

      Oh ! Silly shameful ol' me, dear Frank.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

      lol oh Phyllis.. the before picture ( lol )

    • Phyllis Doyle profile image

      Phyllis Doyle Burns 3 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

      Being a man of words, Frank, it surprises me that you got hung up on the photos - or was it the ONE photo? My goodness! hahahaha

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

      Jodah it was very difficult reading your poetry because the photos and those quotes were so distracting.. in other words I loved them LOL great hub my friend :)

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

      Hahaha ... loved all of these, so clever, as always, John!

      Thanks for the laughs right before bed : ) Your imagery is perfect too.

      Great talent for limericks and so much more.

      Up +++ and away

      Blessings

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hey Jackie, thanks for the smile, and the vote up.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi taiwokareem, glad to have introduced you to limericks for the first time. I am glad you found them worth reading.

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 3 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Very good! Thanks for the smiles. ^+

    • taiwokareem profile image

      Taiwo Kareem 3 years ago from Salford

      Funny piece, actually this is the first time I actually found out about Limericks and it was worth reading from A to Z

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      haha, thank you Phyllis. I have to keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Ug.

    • Phyllis Doyle profile image

      Phyllis Doyle Burns 3 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

      My goodness, Jodah - You continually surprise me with your many talents. Awesome hub, you little devil. LOL

      Up, F, A, I and H+

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks Flourish. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the limericks they like...haha...just joking :)

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      haha thanks DealForALiving. The worrying thing is that really happens.

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      Sam Deal 3 years ago from Earth

      Just loved the internet date!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 3 years ago from USA

      My favorites are I'm Behind You andOver My Dead Body. Keep up the good work, John!

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you for reading esmonaco. Glad you enjoyed.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi Audrey, glad to hear it. I crack myself up at times, but my wife doesn't't get my sense of humour... :(

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Haha Ruby, you are bad. Thank you.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hey thanks chef. Writing limericks is fun....love to read your last line :)

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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for reading bluebird. Yes the "behind" one was touch and go, especially the pic, but it obviously passed the censors. Yeah that smily pic is amazing.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thank you DDE, I never know what will pop into my mind next.

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      Eugene Samuel Monaco 3 years ago from Lakewood New York

      A really enjoyable read, my favorite was "Over My Dead Body" and the guy that says I'm the before pictures. Loved them very clever :) Thanks

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 3 years ago from California

      Ah you crack me up!

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      Ruby Jean Fuller 3 years ago from Southern Illinois

      I laughed at them all. My favorite, the man in the tank. Hee. Tweeted

    • chef-de-jour profile image

      Andrew Spacey 3 years ago from Near Huddersfield, West Yorkshire,UK

      Good selection here Jodah, keep at it.

      There was an old Scot from Dundee

      Who married a young chickadee

      On their very first night

      When he turned out the light

      .............................................?

    • bluebird profile image

      bluebird 3 years ago

      Liked Good Fit, Pearl Diver and Roses are Red most of all.

      And the risque one could have been left behind, ha ha. No really.

      Anyway, good job on all the others. Thanks for this hub, it was mostly cute.

      PS Loved the first picture with the sunset and the birds' wings making the smile. The quote about falling in love was excellent.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Amazingly what you have thought about. I really enjoyed this read. Voted up, and interesting.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Well Rachael, thank you kindly. I have certainly developed a soft spot for the limerick lately, so no doubt you will see more from me from time to time. I am glad that I succeed in making them funny rather than 'lame'.

      Wow, 'poet laureate' of Hub Pages....what a nice title, though I couldn't't even spell it.. :)

    • RachaelOhalloran profile image

      Rachael O'Halloran 3 years ago from United States

      There's not a lame one in the bunch. (Although "Lame" is an attention getter in the title!)

      They are all entertainingly funny and I have two favorites already.

      Over My Dead Body

      King Of The Ring

      Very well done! This is another example that proves why you won your Hubbie Award. You are the Poet Laureate of HubPages with your versatility.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hey lambservant, thanks for reading and your kind words. Glad you enjoyed these limericks, lame or otherwise.

    • lambservant profile image

      Lori Colbo 3 years ago from Pacific Northwest

      You need to 86 th e"lame" part. Very entertaining. I love the "Behind" one and the "over my dead body." Nice work.

    • Jodah profile image
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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      H Ann, glad you got a laugh out of these today.

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      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks for reading and laughing Shauna. "My Dead Body" :) Good choice.

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      Ann Carr 3 years ago from SW England

      Wonderful limericks to entertain us, John. The illustrations are perfect too. Thanks for the smile this afternoon!

      Ann

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      Shauna L Bowling 3 years ago from Central Florida

      I love these, they always make me laugh John! I think my favorite is Over My Dead Body.