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Let's Talk About God and Lose Friends

Updated on May 31, 2012


We've all been there. Your eyes meet with someone for the first time. Your pupils deadlocked with a glean of romantic invitation. You stare deep into each others souls and, for once in your life, you've made a connection. You think this person may be the one. You share the same favorite movies. Anchorman? You guys can recite the whole script. College frat movies? You know every nude scene. That great Mexican restaurant at the corner that only the cool kids at your school know about? You get the same burrito. Avocado on the side, like a pro.

But after a while, just when you're really starting to get comfortable, she drops the bombshell.

"Let's go meet my parents!" She says. "Like OmG'z you will lyk LOVE my parents"

"Ok." I say. Like a pro.

She was a quality girl. We met in ye' old English club after school. Quirky with a nice smile; had a playful but mischievous sense of humor; cute butt. We had been dating, if you could call it that, for about 6 months. I was new to this scene so I had to play it by ear. I was naïve but intelligent; I could handle it.

You get out of the car hesitantly. A 6 bedroom stunner on the "nice" (white) side of town with perfectly manicured grass, a working sprinkler system and even some remaining "neighborhood watch" signs that haven't been gratified over with somewhat over-sized misrepresentational images of male genitalia. You feel reassured.

"So what are we having for dinner?" I ask.

"Oh my whole church wants to meet you, so its pot luck and everybody's bringing their own dish."

"This must be judgment day" you think. "Am I dreaming?" Your stomach churns as you look back at your car "I CAN STILL MAKE IT" you think rapidly

Suddenly the door swings open. "JOEY!!!!!" A frenzied cadre of female voices scream. They rush towards you like a horde of screaming Donny Osmond fans now coming back to reclaim the lost lover they never had. These were the predecessors to Bieber and Usher fans. These were the Golden Girls. Holly, Dean, Connery? They were there. They had come back to life and were now living vicariously through you. Good god.

"OH he looks so much better in person than in the pictures you sent me!" One of them screamed

You look to your (ex) girlfriend like an antelope staring at a pair of headlights

"Mom!!" she yells as she giggles and jumps up and down showing you off like a prize pony

"Nice to meet you." You reply, like a pro.

"Come inside we're just finishing up our prayer group and bible study and then we'll be ready for dinner" The mom exclaims gleefully

This plane is going down rapidly. You have no other option. There is no escape route. All you have is the magazine rack in front of you and a window seat to watch the flames. You buckle your seatbelt. You're going to handle this. You're going to survive this crash and you're going to walk out the other end. For the next 2 hours, your life has no meaning. You are already dead. Survive the ride and watch the show. You're going to handle this. That’s right, like a pro.

You walk inside right over a place-mat on the front porch with a picture of Jesus' face on it. "Good timing" you think.

Inside the atmosphere is nothing short of a circus, and you are the main attraction. There are people in wheelchairs, kids running around, and a Saint Bernard shoving his nose into your crotch. At least you hope that was the Saint Bernard.

"IS THAT JOEY!?" One of the kids screams. "He looks so much different than the pictures!!"

"Stay cool" you think, "It's only the first round."

You make small talk and greet heartily every patron that has gathered in the hallowed halls of your girlfriend's childhood mansion.

Round two goes smoothly and you make it to the dinner table.

"Time for prayer!" the mother yells. You notice the image of a basket full of kittens that has adorned the front of her mother's T Shirt. You also couldn’t help but notice the large stack of Cat Fancy magazines next to the radiator.

"You can do this" you think, "Just bow your head and don't do anything stupid"

Suddenly Mom perks up

"Joey would you like to lead us in prayer?"

The table falls silent.

"Prayer? Oh.. uh.." you think to yourself. You consider starting: "Now I lay me down to sleep.." but quickly decide to take the path of least resistance. No chances here.

"Oh I really shouldn't." You reply with a smile

Luckily dad saves the day

"ILL DO IT GODDAMNIT"

Well he didn't really say that but that’s how I remember it.

We get past round three without incident. Now I just have to make it past the after dinner conversation before I remember that my grandmother is in the hospital and that I promised I would go visit her. How hard could that be?

"So what Church do you go to Joseph?" Aunt Maggie asks poignantly

"LIKE OMG I never even asked you what Church you go to Joey!!" My girlfriend chimes in "How CRAZY is THAT?"

You grip the sides of the airplane. "In the event of an emergency secure your mask before attempting to assist others"

"OHH you know.." you try to remember the last sign you saw. "St..Lutheran..Catholic..Episcolalalien of Saturday.. Paints...?"

Uncle Jeffery's ears fail him

"What did he say?"

Suddenly my maître d for the evening comes to my aid

"OH your Catholic too!!?"

"YES!" I said with a smile as the entire table erupted in a joyous ruckus of celebration

"Thank god you're not a PROTESTANT or something" The mom adds, "The neighbors next door are and they are just a NIGHTMARE"

"Oh yes" I said "Damn protestants."

Round four over. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

"So when's the wedding?" Aunt Jinnie asks cheerfully

"JINNIE!!" My ex-girlfriend chimes

"Wedding..?" I reply

"He hasn't even ASKED me yet Jinnie!"

"You said it was practically in the books!" Mom interrupted

"Mom!" she replies again.

I eat my peas slowly. They go great with the baby carrots.

There was obviously more research that needed to be done on this vessel before we set sail. "Always check the cargo" I noted to myself "Always check the cargo."

I stand up and am just about to make my escape as the father pulls me to the side. His eyes are serious. "Joseph I want to talk to you for a second."

Gas mask is on. Oxygen falling quickly.

Dad pulls me over to a secluded room. "Have a seat Joseph."

"Please locate the nearest exits. In the event of an emergency you must be able to locate exits quickly and efficiently" "Children under 18 are not allowed to operate emergency exits."

Dad talked about what life was like when he was my age. All I remember are some vague references to the Beatles, 8 track tapes and the degeneration of Biblical life in modern times. Then came the big one.

"I want you to know how lucky you are to be dating my daughter. She's no ordinary girl and she follows the tenets of Christ to the letter. You understand what that means right?"

"This is your captain speaking, brace for impact"

"Mmhmm" I said

"That means no funny business before that ring is on her finger. We believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage."

I thought about the time in the back of my car. I thought about what happened in the movie theater during "Nick and Nora's infinite playlist". I thought about the things we did in that McDonald's play place the night after Prom. Now was not the time to be reminiscing.

"Absolutely." I said "So do I"

"Good" he said "I'm glad were clear."

I answered with a smile. "Like a pro" I thought, "Like a pro."

Aunt Patty popped her head in the door "Joseph when you're done we're going to go over the prophetical implications from Deuteronomy 23:1; would you care to join?"

The alarms were going off inside the cabin. "EJECT. EJECT."

I looked at my watch "Oh you know it really is getting late.. My uh.. Grandma.."

Aunt Patty understood. An enlightened one she was.

I quickly said my goodbyes and thanked everyone for the meal. My exit was now secure.

"God bless" I said as I made my way out the door. "May Jesus bless your .. soul." I was now spouting off random phrases. "Amen" I said to aunt Jinnie as she responded with a confused look.

I had survived one of the most traumatic events a boy could endure. The only thing that could possibly be worse would be trying to explain to this girl why our relationship just wasn't going to work out. How would her parents react? How deep hath I dug thine own hole!?

On the way home I thought about running away to Costa Rica. I thought about faking my own death. I would have to change my number. She would call me tomorrow. What would I say?

As I lay in bed that night, I remembered something that lay dormant in the nightstand beside my bed.

I picked it up and started reading.

"Genesis Chapter One" it read.

I took a deep breath and buckled my seatbelt. This was going to be bumpy ride.

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    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 5 years ago from the South

      Another great hub! Sooooo funny!

    • billd01603 profile image

      billd01603 5 years ago from Worcester

      Funny Voted up

    • Aiden  Hill profile image
      Author

      Aiden Hill 5 years ago from San Diego, CA

      Thanks :)

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      This is funny. I enjoyed reading it very much.

    • Stephanie Henkel profile image

      Stephanie Henkel 5 years ago from USA

      This really made me laugh! You have a great knack for writing funny pieces, and I really loved this one! Voted up and shared!

    • Electro-Denizen profile image

      Charles 5 years ago from Wales, UK

      This was good, very good, still laughing.

    • Aiden  Hill profile image
      Author

      Aiden Hill 5 years ago from San Diego, CA

      When I have a report of someone spitting up food while reading one of my stories, I know I have been a success.

      Thanks and cheers :)

    • coffeegginmyrice profile image

      Marites Mabugat-Simbajon 5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      This hub is HILARIOUS!! I was eating a home-baked slice pizza with still wet sauce underneath the cheese and when I was laughing and laughing at your story, some sauce splattered my screen. I even had my seatbelt fastened for the duration of this flight, LOL! Cheers!

    • Chuck profile image

      Chuck Nugent 5 years ago from Tucson, Arizona

      Enjoyed this Hub. You have a great writing style and are a great story teller. Keep up the good work.

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 5 years ago from Florida

      This Hub was so funny. I had a good laugh. Great humor.

    • Millionaire Tips profile image

      Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

      This is hilarious. I love how you interspersed the plane emergency procedures with the story!

    • CR Rookwood profile image

      Pamela Hutson 5 years ago from Moonlight Maine

      So funny! Was this even partly autobiographical? It doesn't matter. Great read. Voted up all across.

    • EinderDarkwolf profile image

      Sean Bradbury 5 years ago from Tempe, A.Z.

      Well Written and easy to follow. Have to admit that I couldn't stop laughing though lol

    • TENKAY profile image

      TENKAY 5 years ago from Philippines

      OMG! hope this is just fiction... I laughed 'till I cried. You are so funny, crazily funny.

    • JKenny profile image

      James Kenny 5 years ago from Birmingham, England

      Blimey, you're a natural comedian, mate. That would be just typical wouldn't it? You meet a cute girl, and then you go to her house and either discover that her family are religious extremists or members of the Klu Klux Klan or something. Keep the funny stuff coming. Voted up and shared.

    • Melis Ann profile image

      Melis Ann 5 years ago from Mom On A Health Hunt

      Looking forward to what comes next...

    • roxanne459 profile image

      Roxanne Lewis 5 years ago from Washington

      Love this!! :-)

    • jainismus profile image

      Mahaveer Sanglikar 5 years ago from Pune, India

      Great Hub, thank you for sharing.

    • maggs224 profile image

      maggs224 5 years ago from Sunny Spain

      I thought that it would be hard for you to top your first hub but you aced it with this one. Very funny I voted you up and hit the interesting,awesome and funny buttons too.

      I look forward to your next hub

    • mljdgulley354 profile image

      mljdgulley354 5 years ago

      Aiden this was a great read. Indeed I felt like I was right there with you.

    • Civil War Bob profile image

      Civil War Bob 5 years ago from Glenside, Pennsylvania

      Aiden, great hub...voted up, funny, beautiful, interesting. Something tells me this was not entirely fictional! Welcome to the Hub Universe, Captain Comical!!

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 5 years ago from Kolkata, India

      Aiden, I am a confirmed fan of your now, after the second Hub. Get me a third one at the earliest. Voted up, awesome funny!

    • uzma shaheen profile image

      Uzma Shaheen Bhatti 5 years ago from Lahore,Pakistan

      funny and great hub. wlcome to hubpages.

    • Rachelxaa profile image

      Rachelxaa 5 years ago from Spain

      Great hub! I love it, very funny and awesome!

    • FlowOfThought profile image

      FlowOfThought 5 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      This was amazing, incredibly funny! thank you so much for this.

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 5 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      lol, lol..... Wonderfully written, and very, very funny! Great job!

      Voting, and awesome.......

    • profile image

      Sooner28 5 years ago

      Hahahahahahahahahhaha. Very funny story! I could only imagine this happening to me. I would be mortified. Great hub.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Aiden - You did it again. This is great stuff. Hysterically funny. Had a great time reading it. Voted Up, Funny and Awesome. :)

    • Daughter Of Maat profile image

      Melissa Flagg 5 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      This was so funny! So vivid. I laughed outloud the whole time I was reading! Great job, voted up, awesome and SHARED.

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