Looking Into The Light
Every tears that my parent ever brought to my life I forgive them. Why? Because they gave me life. I was raise to believe that whether a parent put their hand on you, made you cry, forget your birthday, do so much awful things to you, it is not as more important than what they have given you and that is life. This was a teaching from my Buddhist monk teacher.
I know that some part of my life I was really mad at my parent because they were being very abusive. My mother is an alcoholic and my dad doesn’t really get involve with the family much. Instead of being mad at them or seeking for revenge, I take this as a lesson and learn from it. I would have to remind myself that one day, if I have children, I will not do this to them as my parent did to me. I’m not going to let this problem pass on.
I have a little sister whose turning 9 next couple of day and I’m not going to let her going through this experience. Instead, I would have to support her and raise her the way that I wished to be raised as a child. I don’t want her to grow up missing happiness or missing a part of love in her life like I did.
One time, my mother was very frustrated about my little sister grades. My mother went storming to my little sister and hit her. I rushed to grab her and wrap my body around her to shield her from getting hit. My little sister was crying and she said to me that “She hate her life!” When I heard that tears begin to form in my eyes. I didn’t want my sister to see me cry instead I hold my tears back and I started to talk to her and tell her a story. The story that I told her was a little girl in third grade who went through a lot in her life. Being bullied and being told she was stupid , will…she started to think the same way as my sister was thinking, “she hate her life” but one day, she got up in the morning and tell herself that she’s going to prove to them that she is better than what they say. This story brought my sister some light to her heart and she begin to study hard. In some part of a distant, she did fail to do what she was asked to do because she seem to go through peer pressure as she reach 4th grade. What my little sister didn’t know is, the little girl in the story was me.
I don’t want her to learn my experience or my problem growing up because I don’t want her to feel sorry for me. But a little story that sound like a fairy tale well lift up her downfall and when she gets older, I left a book of my autobiography for her to read. Instead of telling her about me, I guide her to the direction that she will soon thank me when she get older.
My older sister does the same but she is in her little own world as she is very angry at my parent and doesn’t want to even talk to them any longer. Life become harder and harder as I grow up. Sometime I still feel like a child sucking on her thumb because there is part of something that I am missing in my life and that is being a child. I wrote about strict parent before and have told to grow up. It was heart wrecking because growing up is not as easy as people may say. People go through different experience in life and for some people growing up is hard.
Simple for people to say, stand up and be an adult, grow up and build that backbone…but it will be very hard for those who experience tough journey in their life. People cope depression, stress, nature that surround them differently. This is why there is weak and strong people existing in this world. I know that other people go through much more tough experience than I and some grew out of it, some doesn’t and trapped in a box like being buried alive.
Again, people are different…that is mind, soul, ways, expression, coping….different. Not every body born with a gold spoon in their mouth, not every body born with a perfect parent, some are born without a parent and some are born to have parent but parent are not supportive in a certain direction/ways. I have a parent and I love them dearly even how much they brought so much pain to my life. I can’t move myself out of them because I don’t want to leave them like they left me. I learn and understand how it feel and I know that if I leave them, they will feel the same way as I and it is a great pain.
Again, if anyone asked me am I mad at my parent or hate them? The answer is no.