When my Sister recently asked me to look after her cat whilst she went on holiday my heart sank. Don't misunderstand me, I love animals, all animals, cats included. Hell, I have three of my own plus half the neighbourhood cats that sneak into my home (ninja style) in order to get free meals and a bed for the night. The difference in this case is that my Sister's cat is mentally unhinged, a total psycho-cat and schizophrenic-puss, that absolutely hates women with a vengeance.
I made the mistake of agreeing to this once before, and promptly experienced two weeks (felt like ten), of being hissed at, scratched, breaking up fights between this moggy and my existing mild mannered cats, as well as having the delightful job of cleaning up the skid marks this cat kindly left in protest on the bed linen in the spare room, (where she lurked most often). To add insult to injury this cat just happens to be a cat flu carrier, so spends most of her time sneezing and spraying snot all over the walls and carpets, so much so that even my Sister calls her "Spot the Snot", (her name is Spot, the cat.... not my Sister).
I am fairly certain that if my cats could talk they would simply have referred to her as "The mad cat that lives in the attic". She made no attempt to get used to them or befriend them, and the only signs of affection she occasionally showed were totally aimed at my Husband and even the male neighbour who popped round to try to fix our computer. During these times she behaved like a total tart, purring, rolling around on her back with her legs spread and generally going as gooey as you could possibly imagine.
By now you have probably gathered we looked after this cat in our home rather than my Sister's. Unfortunately this was the only practical option, as well as the fact this cat can't be placed in a cattery because she is a cat flu carrier. Luckily my cats are fully vaccinated, so not at risk, (well, only from her claws and teeth anyway).
To look at her you wouldn't imagine her to be violent or crazy. She is white with black patches on her, shaped like a marrow and has an extraordinarily small head for a cat, (possibly because she is partly an ex-feral, I say 'partly ' because in so many ways she is still pretty feral towards me!!)
Well, you can only begin to imagine the sinking feeling I got when having reluctantly agreed we would look after this lunatic pussy for a second time, I realised my Husband (whom she adores), was scheduled to be away in London the week she was staying. To make matters worse my Sister gleefully informed me that the cat was suffering from a bad case of conjunctivitis as a result of her cat flu, and would need drops applying to her eye twice a day, so I might want to invest in life insurance.
Made mental note "Do NOT even consider trying to put drops in cat's eye, she will be okay without".
'Spot the Snot' in Action
'Spot the Snot' duly arrived on her designated day, gave me a disdainful look in much the same way as royalty might do if a cleaner entered their regal presence, and settled down under our spare bed hissing at anyone who tried to talk to her or coax her out. 'Sod this' I thought, and promptly headed for the pub.
Hubby headed off to the airport early the next morning leaving me with the fruit loop creature in the attic to feed, the only cat I have ever met that will let you stroke her for twenty seconds and purr, before suddenly turning round, hissing at you and trying to bite and/or scratch you, (personally I reckon it is a trick to lure you within range of her weaponry).
By Tuesday I was getting stressed, (and she only arrived on Sunday evening). The nutter creature even growled at me when I hung my washing up on the clothes airer in "her room" for God's sake. Offering her hand-prepared dishes of food and clean litter trays met with an equal lack of gratitude. She had already had a major scrap with one of my cats (which probably woke the neighbourhood), and in general I reckon my cats were like "WTF did you invite her back again?"
As for the eye drops, no chance, her eye might have been looking a bit scummy, but I was not risking life and limb simply to clean it up with damp tissue and then try to put in eye drops, well not without a full set of body armour and some physical back up anyway. If things looked too bad in the eye department I would call in reinforcements, (preferably in male form as this would probably be the safest method for all concerned).
At point of writing this hub I have survived single-handed until the early hours of Wednesday morning. Assuming I survive until the evening I shall update this day by day until she leaves. if you hear no more from me she probably snuck into my room in the night and sat on my face until I suffocated, or alternatively left me with so many lacerations that I bled to death.
Wish me Luck.
Well, still here to tell the tale..... just. A couple of wounds to show for it though, including one right in the palm of my hand from those "claws that don't really do any damage" (thanks for that reassurance Hayley). What is worse is the wound was inflicted when I was simply trying to make a fuss of her, how ungrateful is that!!!
I am now hoping she quickly plucks up the courage to come downstairs and venture outdoors for some exercise, who knows, she might even get lost and not return!
Psycho-Puss strikes again, (literally)!
Hooray, today she crept down the stairs and ran out of the back door, (having first kindly vomited up a cat food encrusted hair ball on the duvet in the top room so that I could have the pleasure of cleaning it up). I last saw her heading towards the fields looking like she was on a mission. With a bit of luck this will keep her out of the way for a few hours at least, and meanwhile I can nurse my wounds and count the hours until Richard gets back home tomorrow. At least then he can largely take over looney tunes cat care as she seems to love Richard to pieces.
Update: the creature has returned and dashed straight up the attic where she is no doubt hatching some evil plot to take over the world and annihilate all female humans and other cats.
Richard finally returned today and screwball cat is happy as can be. All purrs when he is petting her, that is until she claps eyes on me, (see video right to watch this in action). Crikey, she even lets him pick her up and carry her around on her back!!!!! I can't even touch her or put my hand out without risking life and limb.
Anyway, we are out tonight and she has now decided to go off on one of her jaunts off across the fields, probably in order to set up 'base command' for her planned world domination bid.
Poor Richard. I felt quite sorry for him as he had to wait up until 02.00am for the nutter to return. When she did, she strolled upstairs without a backward glance in his direction. It wouldn't be so bad if we had a cat flap, but we don't, so someone had to stay up with the back door wide open so that she could get back into the house. Anyway, Halyey is back on Monday so things should return to normality, and my cats can chill out again.
Today has been really sunny, so most of the day the psychopath cat has been outside sunbathing by my vegetable plants. The neighbour's five year old daughter made me laugh when she came over and said "I stroked the mad cat and guess what, she didn't bite me, scratch me, or anything". Apparently even the children around here know she is mad after what I have been telling them.
One more day to survive and it goes home. No sign yet of any feline takeover bid and I haven't received any further wounds, mainly due to the fact cracker-cat has largely been outside revelling in the sunshine.
My neighbour did ask me today if I knew where the 'strange shaped, big fat white cat with black spots had come from', largely because she caught it fighting with her cat on the front lawn and had never seen it before. I confessed it was my Sister's cat, but reassured her that it was harmless really and hadn't killed any other cats..... yet! She seemed happy enough with this, especially when I told her the cat would be going home on Monday when my Sister returned. Just need to keep my fingers crossed now that we all survive that long.
Disaster , got a text message from my Sister to say they had gone to the wrong ferry port by mistake so we would have to keep the cat another night until they could get on a different ferry tomorrow. Just when I thought we were safe in our own home again! Nipped out, bought some more cat food for her ladyship and then aimed Richard in the direction of the top room so that he could break the news to her that she was stuck with us for another night. Surprisingly she seemed to take it rather well, I am guessing because she knew she would get another day to spend basking in the sunshine, swiping at me with claws and teeth, getting petted by Richard and of course finalising her plans to eradicate the female human population and begin a cloning program of her favourite male humans instead, (a scary thought to live in a world full of clones of Richard).
After a brief session in the sunshine this afternoon, puss-pot decided she needed a sleep upstairs. I checked the stairs carefully for trip wires before making certain she was safely barricaded in the attic ready for collection.
Hayley and her friend Ian came to collect deranged cat this afternoon, apparently using some 'special technique' to get her into her cat carrier without leaving either of them requiring stitches and a blood transfusion afterwards.
All we can do now is wait, and hope that any plans she has hatched fail, and that we can remain safe from her distorted ideas for a perfect world full of men and cat-flu carrying female psycho-moggies.