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Updated on August 14, 2011

I don't know what's been happening to me today. I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. Maybe it's the no-job thing. Maybe it's the loneliness. Maybe it's because people have been pushing my buttons. Maybe it's all of those things. Maybe it's because so many people are so selfish and materialistic in a world that is dying from such excessive greed. And I feel selfish just for wanting a life that is truly my own . . . and I feel so lost . . . so completely lost and without anybody willing to help. No one feels the need to offer guidance because I am so sure of myself. If I am so sure of myself than why can't I cope? Why can't I find work? Why can't I look hard enough? Why can't I provide for myself? I feel so weak and worthless. I had walked away from love because I was afraid of being hurt. I failed to walk into love because I was afraid of getting hurt. I refused to be open to love because I was afraid of getting hurt. Now I have no love. Well, I have the love of my family but not that special love with that special person. Because I have no love for myself. I am not a special person. That precious love is what I don't have . . . for myself or for or from anyone. But I have all of the hurt I could ever have asked for . . .all of the hurt . . . nothing but hurt. None of the love and all of the hurt. What have I done to myself?!


When I find myself slipping into this mindset, I have a tendency to focus on nothing but what angers me. When this happens, it causes me to experience overwhelming headaches and hot flashes. I know a lot of people suffer from fits of rage from time to time, so I thought I would add this segment to my Hub.

It takes a lot of practice and training, but it is good for one to catch one's self when we do this. One thing that has helped me is taking the time to recognize what is good in my life and why I am (albeit not paricularly satisfied in life) happy. I have great friends. I am close to my family and I love to be out in nature. I am lucky to have grown up in such a beautiful area and not working allows me more time to enjoy it. Not that I wouldn't rather have a job and be earning money, but this also helps me to realize there are many people (especially nowadays) who need work and have greater responsibilities than I. This fact is also helpful in cooling my head. Meditation is also helpful in dealing with anger. Quieting one's mind and getting to the deepest root of one's anger is often the best way to access your own personal design for dealing with issues of the past. This is especially so if it involves the distant past, such as early childhood.

There are other techniques but these are the few I've tried and they have worked wonders for me. I still have occasional fits of rage, but more often than not I get a hold of myself quickly and say to myself, "Jon, what are you doing? Stop doing this to yourself." Of course it doesn't happen every time but with a little more practice, discipline and consistency I will be able to provide a better emotional balance for myself.

I know alot of you who read this and commented on it are going through something similar and, farankly, I should have shared this information sooner.


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    • your cybersister profile image

      your cybersister 6 years ago from Just relocated from Florida to the mountains of North Carolina

      You express your feelings quite well. I hope letting them out of your head and heart helped you all those months ago and that you have found your way to a better place. Usually life's down cycles don't last too long, especially after we recognize them for what they are and take the first step up and out of them.

    • Pamela Kinnaird W profile image

      Pamela Kinnaird W 6 years ago from Maui and Arizona

      This was written so well. Looks like it was 17 months ago or more, so I hope everything is coming up roses now and that you have found someone special. Great writer!

    • HattieMattieMae profile image

      HattieMattieMae 6 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Think I understand where your at, I think it just takes time to heal, and open you heart back up to love.:)

    • Moulik Mistry profile image

      Moulik Mistry 8 years ago from Burdwan, West Bengal, India

      Beautiful words expressed so stylistically, I just felt it within...

    • Jonathan Janco profile image

      Jonathan Janco 8 years ago from Southport, CT


      Thanks very much for the encouragement!

    • s0126phoenix profile image

      s0126phoenix 8 years ago

      Wow! You just wrote me into words. I have not been able to express myself. Thank you for sharing. If you ever need someone to talk with, bring it on. I don't have the answers either, but two heads are better than one. Just hang in there. For me, writing always helps.

      Your brother in pain!

    • Jonathan Janco profile image

      Jonathan Janco 8 years ago from Southport, CT

      Thank you I*v*i*c*t*u*s . . . very helpful.

    • I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image

      I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s 8 years ago

      well, I feel it takes love to pour your heart out. which you have done beautifully.. Maybe, remember to breathe and quiet your mind to a place to where you can meditate on all the goood you can see at this very place...keep reminding yourself of all you do have to be grateful for and feed yourself with love....

      I can connect with what you are sharing here.. I think many of us can.. you are never alone...yet, what helps me is to try to align with something beautiful and keep myself there..It is amazing how contagious those thoughts are and you should continue to see more and more and more... when you allow yourself to see..

      all the best! :)